Imagine being a single mother of three, running your own business, and staying sane through it all. Is it possible? Let me introduce you to Latoya Horton, a BCBA, business owner, and a single mom who tackles the pressures of motherhood and entrepreneurship with determination and resilience. Join us as we explore Latoya's journey, her struggles, and the tactics she employs to maintain a balance in her life.
Latoya opens up about her experiences, highlighting how she deals with difficult conversations with her twin daughters and son who is a young college student. She emphasizes the importance of creating a nurturing home environment and fostering open communication with her children. Learn about her "10 minutes" rule that permits her children to have a judgment free conversation with her about ANYTHING. Latoya reveals her strategy that promotes trust and understanding within her family. Plus, we dive into the importance of self-care and using hobbies as a stress-buster, a lesson every parent can learn from.
Balancing work and parenting is a challenge for many, and this episode is packed with valuable insights to help you navigate the journey. Latoya provides candid perspectives on these challenges and shares how intrinsic motivation and resilience have been her pillars of strength. From coping with pressure to finding her outlet through strength and conditioning training, she shows us the importance of intentional time management. Latoya wraps up the discussion by reminding listeners about the importance of giving grace and not dwelling on mistakes. So, if you're a parent looking for inspiration and practical tips on handling the rigors of parenting while juggling a career, get ready for an enlightening conversation.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Balancing Career as a Single Mom
14:58 - Balancing Motherhood and Entrepreneurship
25:50 - Intrinsic Motivation and Coping With Pressure
37:21 - Importance of Self-Care for Parents
47:20 - Parenting Challenges and Reflections
56:45 - Understanding ADHD and Parenting Challenges
1:05:19 - Parenting
1:11:10 - Parenting Challenges and Finding Balance
1:22:11 - Navigating Middle School Behavior Change
1:30:37 - Replacement Behaviors and Self-Care for Moms
"A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
Imagine being a single mother of three, running your own business, and staying sane through it all. Is it possible? Let me introduce you to Latoya Horton, a BCBA, business owner, and a single mom who tackles the pressures of motherhood and entrepreneurship with determination and resilience. Join us as we explore Latoya's journey, her struggles, and the tactics she employs to maintain a balance in her life.
Latoya opens up about her experiences, highlighting how she deals with difficult conversations with her twin daughters and son who is a young college student. She emphasizes the importance of creating a nurturing home environment and fostering open communication with her children. Learn about her "10 minutes" rule that permits her children to have a judgment free conversation with her about ANYTHING. Latoya reveals her strategy that promotes trust and understanding within her family. Plus, we dive into the importance of self-care and using hobbies as a stress-buster, a lesson every parent can learn from.
Balancing work and parenting is a challenge for many, and this episode is packed with valuable insights to help you navigate the journey. Latoya provides candid perspectives on these challenges and shares how intrinsic motivation and resilience have been her pillars of strength. From coping with pressure to finding her outlet through strength and conditioning training, she shows us the importance of intentional time management. Latoya wraps up the discussion by reminding listeners about the importance of giving grace and not dwelling on mistakes. So, if you're a parent looking for inspiration and practical tips on handling the rigors of parenting while juggling a career, get ready for an enlightening conversation.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Balancing Career as a Single Mom
14:58 - Balancing Motherhood and Entrepreneurship
25:50 - Intrinsic Motivation and Coping With Pressure
37:21 - Importance of Self-Care for Parents
47:20 - Parenting Challenges and Reflections
56:45 - Understanding ADHD and Parenting Challenges
1:05:19 - Parenting
1:11:10 - Parenting Challenges and Finding Balance
1:22:11 - Navigating Middle School Behavior Change
1:30:37 - Replacement Behaviors and Self-Care for Moms
"A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmomatgmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. Alright, so hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in to another episode of For Shitty Moms. I'm your host, delorean, and today we have a special, special guest joining us, all the way from Nevada. So, without further ado, I'm going to let her introduce herself and we'll get things started.
Speaker 2:Hi, my name is Latoya Horton. I am a BCBA and business owner here in Las Vegas and I am happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for joining us. So typically, when we get started with these things, I really like the listeners to learn who our guests are, what they're doing. Our guests are all moms, but we know that being a mom encompasses so many other things than just motherhood and parenting. So, like you said, you are a business owner. I just want to get a little background information about your family size, your current occupation. How does that all work? What do you juggle and how do you pull it all together?
Speaker 2:Okay, I think, like most moms, what don't I juggle? Tell me one thing I don't juggle. So my family currently is made of myself, my twin daughters who live at home with me, and then my son, who is off to college. So I became a BCBA back in 2017. Prior to that, I was a behavior consultant, so I was doing the same thing, just with a different title. I started my business in 2019 when I returned to Las Vegas.
Speaker 2:I always kind of had that goal in mind to go off and to learn what I could, and then to bring those skills home to Las Vegas. Well, that was really difficult because I'm a single mom. So at the time, I was separated from my ex-husband, and so I actually had to get my masters, or finish my masters. I should say, finish my masters, go through the certification process of becoming a board certified behavior analyst, raise my children, do all of those things that got me to this point as a single mom, and so it was definitely, I would say, a struggle, but definitely not one. That is something that we, as moms, can't overcome, so it made it more difficult, but greater is the result when you overcome that struggle.
Speaker 1:Okay, and for the listeners who don't know a BCBA, can you give us an idea Like what is that? I know, I know what it is, but how do you explain it to others?
Speaker 2:So I've worked with kids with developmental disabilities for I mean since I was a teenager, honestly. But a board certified behavior analyst is one who is certified to coach and provide instruction to others so that they can help those children, especially those children on the spectrum, become independent and to build their skills. And so my specialty is language building language we hear. If you've ever, you know, watched anything about kids with disabilities and you've heard the term nonverbal. My specialty is getting those children who cannot speak to talk.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah. So it's pretty challenging in itself. And then you add motherhood on top of that, and you are a mom of three, so that's like whoa. I've always hear like anything after two. Everybody just stops counting after two.
Speaker 2:I know I got a two for one special.
Speaker 1:That's one way to look at it. So tell us, how did your parenting style change after marriage?
Speaker 2:Okay, that's a good question. I would say I became more structured, okay, but historically my family has always called me kind of like the hippie of the family.
Speaker 2:I love to travel. I'm down for, you know, trying anything once. But once I had children, I became very like, focused, more focused on, you know, building a foundation for them. So I would say my parenting style changed from just, you know, being a, you know, very free spirited person to a more structured, you know person with goals and all those types of things you know, I think, is what most, most people do when you have kids. Right, you start to settle down a little bit. You know that you've lived your, your wild years, or whatever they're behind you, and now it's time to focus on, you know, raising this little person that you have.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you don't ever feel like, oh, I just need to get away. I talked to a lot of different moms and I hear that a lot like I just need a break. I just need a break.
Speaker 2:I have thought about purchasing a condo. Okay, what are you talking about? Of course I mean. I think that's natural. It's overwhelming, especially when you're trying to accomplish things. So being a mom a hands down, being a parent period it is the hardest job on the planet. If you do it single handedly, there should be accolades with every step that you take. You know what I mean. But it doesn't mean that you know it's not rewarding and fulfilling. It just means like we all need a break sometimes. But, yeah, there are times that I am like I am done what I do. When I get to those, to those moments when I just need a break.
Speaker 2:I'm a traveler, so I will take a weekend trip pretty much anywhere. And the great thing about where I am here in Las Vegas, nevada I was born and raised here, so I have a huge support system. There's never a time that I can't call, you know, one of my sisters or my mom or my dad and say, hey, you know you want to spend some quality time with the twins this weekend and so I'm lucky to have that. There's so many you know families out there that don't have that kind of support system, so my hats off to them Right, because I get away.
Speaker 1:That's awesome that you you have that, because I feel like that's really important. That's one of the reoccurring themes that we have. You know, do you have a support system? What does it look like? A lot of people struggle with finding people who are who they deem trustworthy enough to watch over their kids and look over them, and you know that's awesome that you do have a support system to help you get those breaks.
Speaker 2:Why do you say that? Because I'm the youngest of, like my mom's original six children she adopted, but all of my siblings they had my grandmother coming up and so they never had to get childcare, you know, never had to pay for a daycare center, and so by the time that I had children I was like, oh my God, my grandma's not here. You know what I mean. So it's been different, because the people in my family that I rely on the most they still have, you know, very robust lives, right, you know, some weekends they're like girl, I'm going out. What are you talking about?
Speaker 1:Okay, trying to get away?
Speaker 2:No, I am away.
Speaker 1:But I would think you know, like you said you, you became more structured, so I'm sure that helps to alleviate some of those stressors. Of course well, can you tell us about that? Like, how do you manage and juggle and structure different things? I can imagine three kids are they. Are they in extracurricular activities? Do they? Do you just make everybody hey, you guys have to do this, especially the twins. Do they do the same things? Do they have their own interests? How do you manage that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's different now that they're older, so my twins are now 13.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And my son is 19. And so when they were younger, I had to be very strategic, like you mentioned earlier, it's it's hard to know, like when you can trust people. So carpooling no, I was the carpool. Okay, it was like you know, I will drive your friends, but you're not giving their car. I don't know why I put that extra on my back Right. When they were younger it was more difficult because I was so you know, maybe overly so protective. I would structure things so that they each had a season.
Speaker 2:So one of the things that I did. You know they had to have an extracurricular activity is. You know that's how I was brought up. You have to stay busy, you know you have to be in things that are productive.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So my son, he chose football. So after his football season was over, then one of my girls she had, she was in cheer. After cheer was over. My other daughter, she was in gymnastics, and so I would pick things and rotate so that they each had a season, you know, where I was devoted to them and their sport or their activity, and I didn't have to be like, oh, I got to be in two places at once. You know, no, this is your season, this is your thing, and thanks God it worked out so that they pick things, that you know they weren't in the same season, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:For our like individual time. One of the things that I did with my son, because having twins, especially twin girls, and a family, it can be overwhelming for like the sibling Right, they're like all cute and their babies and my poor little son was just like, oh, what about me?
Speaker 1:They're born over here, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I started doing one on ones with them.
Speaker 1:Okay, very.
Speaker 2:Started with my son and we would have like mommy son dates and he could pick. We would go wherever like here in Las Vegas and as you know, I know a lot of people don't want to believe this there's a lot of stuff to do for kids, so he would pick. We were at the Excalibur on the weekend. We were doing movie nights. The boy likes to get massages.
Speaker 1:Okay, nice.
Speaker 2:Nice, okay. And then, once the girls got older, I realized more and more that it was important for me to deal with them also because they're twins.
Speaker 1:Okay, right.
Speaker 2:They don't really look that separate time, you know, and so I would do one on ones with them as well. So that's kind of how I structured, like them having extracurricular activities and then us still having that that time to bond with one another. Now that they're older it's so different. My son is off to college. I still try to do one on ones with the girls every once in a while, but it's not like we did it once a month, every single month. So it's not, as you know, it's not as consistent as it used to be, but our time ends up being. There's a lot of one on one time anyway, because they have their own separate friends.
Speaker 2:So one is off with her friends, one is off with her friends and we naturally get that one on one time. Okay, you know they're older, so that's pretty cool, and they're teens, so they don't want a whole lot of one on one time with me.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 1:They're exploring life. But I've always heard, like you know, they kind of venture off, explore the world and then, especially with girls, I've heard they they will come back. So you know, they kind of grow, they explore, and then mom becomes the best friend later on. And let's hold, let's pray, so let's keep our fingers crossed. But I like that. I've that's my first time really hearing that giving them different seasons and that kind of builds in that, that intimate time with just mom and me. I love that. I haven't heard that before. So how would you say your experience with work, like to be able to do all of these things? I know you have the support system, but when it comes to work, does that mean you're in like a what I would call a mom friendly industry or a mom friendly environment, or do you find yourself sometimes facing the challenge, challenge where you have to pick and choose?
Speaker 2:That's such a good question Because, even though I feel like this is a mom friendly environment, there are still times that I have to pick and choose right. I think that's less. That's just life.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And when my son was a single right, when, you know, before he became a trio, I was a teacher and so I taught children on the spectrum at that time. I was an autism teacher here for about nine years. That was great, because there were times I could bring him to school with me and he was like a model in the classroom because I taught in what's called a self contained program and that's where my students I was like I'm not going to be able to do out much around the campus. We had pretty much all of our subjects in this one classroom, okay, and so I would. You know, I was really close with most of my supervisors and so if there was a day that he needed to miss school or he needed to miss school, they were fine with it. So that was really helpful.
Speaker 1:That's nice.
Speaker 2:With the twins it's been a little bit different. So I was in Phoenix for a couple of years and I was the director of a school for children on the spectrum there. A directorship is a really tough position when you have little ones because it requires so many hours of your day.
Speaker 1:Right, right.
Speaker 2:But thankfully I had. I had a super boss and she was a mom herself. She started school specifically because her child was on the spectrum. So she was all about a whatever you got to do so that you know you can be here and still be there for your kids. So I would bring my kids to work. They went to school down the street from the school that I worked at. I would bring them into work right after. She was fine with them, they could be in the gym, all of these things and I feel like it was almost like this was like a God platform for me. It was like thanks God, because I don't know how else I would have been able to do all the things that I've done.
Speaker 2:I've literally just been placed on this path that has been so open to my children and I think I didn't have the support system that I had here. So had I not had that particular job with that particular boss, there's no way I would have been able to have my children present. So I've always been in a child friendly or a child friendly environment. But the times that are difficult is when you're in a position where you're a supervisor. As you know, being a supervisor. There's sometimes just things that you cannot get away from. You have to be there Sometimes your job depends on it.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I've had to pick and choose. You know, like do I go to this really important thing? I had to juggle today just to be here with you. I had to push it back because my daughter got this opportunity at the last second and she's like, oh, but mom, I really have. You know, her world's gonna be crushed, right, I don't show up. And so I've had to say, okay, you know what, let's weigh this out, what's the most important thing in this moment? And if I don't think like that, you know I would crumble. And if we crumble as moms, then who's left to pick up the pieces? I have to prioritize things, and sometimes it's my kids things. Most of the times it's my kids things. Kids, kids stuff, trump's parents stuff, right, you know. But, thanks God, I've been in this field where they've been open to my kids and my kids have actually been beneficial to have around in a lot of cases, because a lot of my clients needed typical models, you know right. So that's yeah, that's been excellent, I can't complain.
Speaker 1:So how have things now? Are you a full time business owner, do you pursue that and that's your primary source of income, or are you still like working in the industry as well? What does that look like now?
Speaker 2:So I'm a full time business owner but I do contract out and so that can definitely add to my plate, right. But I do notice, just here recently I notice when I pour myself into my business and my home, there's a much better work life balance than when I try to Contract out and do other things. Unfortunately, those things just pile it on and sometimes my plate can't handle it. Okay, so I'm a hundred percent business owner, um, but I, I don't know, I like to make life hard sometimes and do more than I can do, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:I. I think when I first got started as a behavior analyst, when I was studying for my exams and studying for boards, that's one of the things that I put on the wall. Like that was my why I wanted more flexibility. And now that I'm in the field, I'm starting to pursue my own business as well. I'm like, wait a minute, I don't have more flexibility now. Like I'm seeing more deadlines, more demands, more things on my plate that I have to do. No one else can do them. Because it's my business, is my name, these are my accounts. Like I have to go to these meetings, I have to sit to the table, I have to make the decisions. So now I find myself thinking like, wow, it might be easier to just work for someone else. Like I don't really.
Speaker 1:Know I keep finding myself questioning like was this a good idea? I feel like I had more. I had less Responsibility as an employee. Right, I just have to report to that place. I show up at this time, I leave at that time, and and that's those boundaries right.
Speaker 1:And now I'm like, oh man, like everyone sleep, Let me crack open this computer, let me respond to these emails, let me, you know, try to look for these contracts and see what my obligations are. So I'm kind of in the beginning of that, but it's nice to see someone else who's a little further along in In the same process, where you are able to just make those decisions, because initially that was my thought process and now that I'm trying to get things off the ground, I'm like what am I doing? Did I just make?
Speaker 2:life harder.
Speaker 1:Did.
Speaker 2:I mean where you are. Trust me, I've gone that route. I've gone back to working for someone full-time. You know, I've like done that that tennis match of this way, no, that way, no this way and I Realized that it was just me running from Myself, you know. I mean I was just running from what I I knew was inevitable. I meant to do what I'm doing, you know, but it was so much pressure and sometimes we want to Assure that pressure it's like, oh, this is easier.
Speaker 2:But I realized that I don't want to help somebody else build their dreams. You know, I have dreams of my own and so, until I buckle down and create a space so that I can pursue those streams, it was never gonna happen. And so in doing that, I've had to, I've had to take dips, finances, etc. You know there's things that you have to give up, but I wouldn't have it any other way, like I wouldn't want to get to 10 years from now and go gosh, I wish I would have Stuff. Okay, we were going somewhere. You know what I mean. So I can work for somebody anytime.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:And if I do the next five years, ten years, say, yeah, we just go and work, for I'll do that, but not before, not before I see this through. Okay, you know, and that's having a business is like having another set of twins. I get it, it is not easy, but I'm. I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point, at this point.
Speaker 1:Okay, and how long have you? I don't know if you said it earlier, but how long have you had like your business and up and going? How how long has it been?
Speaker 2:I've been in business since 2019. I came back to Vegas in 2018. Okay, and so during that time that like 2018, 2019, 2020 that's when I was like where you are, okay. I was like, oh, it's just easier if I just work for somebody else. You know, there's so much paperwork involved and in my line of business you have to get a credential with insurances and all these things. That's like red tape. You know, I just want to hit the ground running and you can't do that, and so the first couple of years I spent teeter tottering, but in those first couple of years I Didn't take off the way that I'm taking off now as a business owner, because I wasn't really investing my full energy in it. Right, okay, because I have this other, this other job, this other responsibility and oh yeah, by the way, I'm a mom, right, right. So, yeah, it's just it. I don't think it could have worked that way, but I come from a long line of entrepreneurs who were constantly at me, like my dad constantly at me.
Speaker 2:We're gonna work for yourself kid, you know okay, okay, my grandfather, my grandfather actually gave me a hundred dollars and told me to put that toward my business. Oh okay, that hundred dollars was, you know right, go do something with that, yeah. Yeah, he gave me a hundred dollars. I was like I'm gonna take that. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1:So is that where the pressure is coming from that you spoke of earlier, or is it more so? You put in certain expectations and demands on yourself and then adding pressure.
Speaker 2:I've had dreams of running my own business for probably as long as I can remember. Okay, and so Me going the route that I've gone. It's all been kind of just like divinely laid out for me. Sometimes I was moving in a direction that I didn't even realize, was you know, for my benefit, I thought that I was stuck in this position when really that position taught me so much To where I'm in this position now as the head of my business, and I didn't even realize that I would need all that I learned from that last space that I was in.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:I was just in that last place, hating it, feeling like there's so much pressure on me, this isn't even my business and we're, you know, right. And now I'm like, oh, this is my business, I've held, I've handled that before, this is what we do, mm-hmm, you know, that's nice. So the pressure, I would say it, it comes from me and it comes from I'm coming from, like a spiritual place, and so I don't know about, like you or your listeners, but if you know your, or if you know what you were meant to do in this life and you don't go after that, I can't tell you the kind of feeling that I have. It's one of just like oh, it can put you in a depressing, depressing state. You know, like, oh, I'm not doing what I know I'm meant to do, and so until I really, you know, dig my heels in and put some effort behind it, I'm not even, I don't even feel like myself, you know so.
Speaker 2:I got to a point where I was, I felt depressed. I felt like I was helping somebody else build their company and I knew that's not what I was supposed to do.
Speaker 1:So yeah, you gotta do it yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the pressure is on, but it's a good pressure, you know. Yeah good.
Speaker 1:I um, I used to tell myself like when, whenever I know, okay, god told me to do XYZ, and God, I'm gonna try this instead, like it never works. Then it's like a year later like yeah, god told you not to do that anyway, like that's why I didn't work out Absolutely. So that's good, I mean. But I've never looked at it that way, like I don't even want to do this because that's not my purpose. So I guess that's where that intrinsic motivation Kind of comes from, to keep pushing yourself to do what you know you were meant to do Absolutely. So outside of, like work and parenting, do you have? I know you say you like to travel, but are you able to even have Hobbies? I know I feel like hobbies is that's like a luxury nowadays. So do you have any? I?
Speaker 2:know, okay, so recently it's funny you said that too and about that intrinsic motivation, because I am currently on a six-week couples challenge for a fitness it's called raw fitness here in Las Vegas. Okay and I'm I mean, I'm moderately fit, okay, and I played sports. I've kind of relied on muscle memory, I guess.
Speaker 1:I don't know and.
Speaker 2:So my hobby right now is going to the gym four times a week.
Speaker 1:Okay, nice One hour, okay.
Speaker 2:And when I tell you I want to give up, when they say you know, do a large lap, that intrinsic motivation comes in right when I'm rounding the half and I'm like, oh no, girl, do it, you can finish this. Like a little voice inside my head goes you have better not walk. You better, run you better look and then it goes from run to job. You better job so I can't have hobbies. I would probably suggest to your listeners Make the hobbies a little more fun.
Speaker 1:Okay, now I don't know.
Speaker 2:Hopefully the endless will will be great. Okay, thanks, given time, I'll throw it all away, right? You know, I have my pictures to look back on a month ago, right?
Speaker 1:and then you can start right back up and like okay, if I did it once, I can do it again.
Speaker 2:Right, I just have an, a pair of jeans actually wasn't able to wear for about I don't know about the last year, so I got in on today.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's motivating, absolutely, and you have to have Something. I think Recently I just picked up yoga. I'm like I want to try something different, I want to try something New and I just started like, okay, I'm gonna go to this yoga class, I'm gonna make it. I feel like for the past year I've been looking at the gym schedule like I know when the yoga class is happening. Like, girl, you've been talking about this yoga thing for like a year. When are you actually gonna go yeah so I just started.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, and I just started and I just looking at the clock on the wall like I'm not gonna make it, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. You cannot walk out of this class in front of everybody like no.
Speaker 2:I know right, you have to get that little voice going in your head, that little coach, right?
Speaker 1:Right and every yeah, I mean I love it. I I needed a way to kind of cope With the stress of the day, like every day there's another stressor, every day it's something right and I don't want to take that home, I don't want to take it out on my family. So that's what really. That's what actually pushed me to say, okay, I'm gonna do this. Like I've been talking about it For over a year. I've been looking at the classes.
Speaker 1:At one point they stopped the classes to remodel the gym. Like they remodel Right, right. And I'm just one day I'm like you know what I have that all access gym pass. I don't even have to use that gym, go to the other gym, go to their yoga class, and like, just get that release. And the first day I did it I was like, oh my gosh, I feel so much better. Like it made me want to go again. And then that next class. I'm like why did it feel so easy last time and now it's so hard? And then the third class. I'm like how did I make it through the first class, you know?
Speaker 2:And I'm like gosh, and people will look at me because I do. I, you know, in certain clothes I look fit, and so they put these extra expectations on me. That are just not realistic. I'm like, listen, it's been a minute since I ran some track playing any kind of basketball. Don't let this body fool you. I can't really make it up my stairs, okay, but it's good that you, you have something.
Speaker 1:I think that outlet, having that outlet, is Extremely important. Just not even as a mom or a parent, but just as a person in general. I feel like I keep thinking about how much better I feel Physically and mentally, how much better I feel. So I'm almost kicking myself like, yeah, you should have started a year ago. Like how much farther along would you have been. But at least I was able to get started and actually stick to it. This time and now, when I come home, I'm able to focus on my son a little bit more. I'm able, like I'm a little more patient In the evenings because you know what I've done, what I had to do. So I've noticed, even with him I'm not as quick to like yell or fuss or, you know, discipline or anything like. That is just like, and I kind of catch myself like, oh, I'm proud, like I didn't even get like I don't like repeating myself.
Speaker 1:Right, like I don't like repeating myself, but I repeated myself and like didn't knock your head off this time.
Speaker 2:Like Mom, this way don't you like right?
Speaker 1:exactly those ABA strategies start to kick in a little faster where I'm like okay, Let me work on. Like his motivation. So you know, let let me actually use the skill set that I have in the household, because normally I'm so exhausted, I'm so tired, like look.
Speaker 2:I don't have the patient, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I don't have the patience, I don't, I know, I know.
Speaker 2:But yeah, you just want to relax in your home. You don't want to have to use your therapist hat, right?
Speaker 1:Right. So it's. It's definitely good To have that outlet and I know some of the moms that I talked to. Typically some of them, you know. Again, I feel like, with inflation and everything that we're dealing with in life right now, even the things that we're talking about, I consider those to be luxuries right now, because I know a lot of moms who Can't do that. I know a lot of moms who are becoming a lot more resourceful because inflation times are becoming Harder financially. So I'm starting to see, like a lot of moms like, oh, we just link up and go walking together, like they are creating that support system and they're finding different ways to Take their kids to the park.
Speaker 1:And we're going to walk a lap while you guys play on the playground, because most moms are going through similar things right, and I definitely Are going through similar things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like it's hitting the moms a little harder Than it would. I'm starting to hear a lot of just that. I guess the same juggle that we would have if A kid is sick you don't really want to call out from work. But now add to that groceries are Like five times higher than what they were before, Gas is five times higher than what it was, so that that pto You're trying to hold on to it a little.
Speaker 1:Uh a tighter than you would, because Now you have to make some sacrifices and some choices and typically, being a mom, even when you're at work, it it doesn't stop. If the school calls you to pick up your kid, they expect you to stop what you're doing.
Speaker 2:Right exactly.
Speaker 1:So that is a challenge I know for myself. I don't get pto anymore, so If I'm not on a clock, if I'm not working, I'm not getting paid. Um, and I know a lot of moms are facing that same Challenge. I feel like it just hits a little harder and it forces you to do make choices, and hard decisions. Um, how would you describe yourself as a mom, like in general, overall, how would you describe yourself?
Speaker 2:I want to go back to something you said. There were two things that you said that I thought were really powerful. It one was about when you go to yoga, how you feel. Do you know what I mean? Like how you feel about yourself? I think that's really powerful, only because we forget this, right. But you have to take care of yourself first. Yeah, you really do, and I hear it, I see it everywhere, but we forget because we're in the hustle and bustle of motherhood and we forget to take care of ourselves. But the second thing that you said was, once you do that, you find yourself being a better mom. More you know, more laid back, you know, less stress, not as quick to discipline, you know Right. So I think that self-care, whatever it is that you know people need to do, whether it's yoga, whether it's this crazy fitness, whatever.
Speaker 1:I'm doing?
Speaker 2:I don't even know what it's called boot camp. Whatever it is, we have to find a space to take care of ourselves and to let off some steam or whatever, because if we don't, we will end up, you know, letting off that steam at home and that's not good, like I've had blow-ups with my son, especially when he was at that stage where he thought he was like a grown-up, uh-oh, okay, 16, 17. And so, like to go back to your question like, how am I as a mom? I think with each kid I'm different, based on what they need, and then where I am, you know, right. So, like today, for example, the last couple of days I've been going, going, going. This is kind of like you know my life, the story of my life, always going, but these last couple of days in particular, they've been more strenuous because we were like remodeling our office space and so I've been doing like a lot of heavy lifting, right, and I didn't skip my boot camp workout.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you've been doing two a day.
Speaker 2:Basically I am drained. I'm sitting here talking to you and I swear these things above right here. They don't feel like shoulders.
Speaker 1:They feel like shoulders oh man.
Speaker 2:Okay. So right now, if one of my twins, you know, got an attitude that the teenage they did the the teenage thing, I might be snippy too. Right, Because I am. I am at a point where I am physically exhausted. I need to go do some freaking self care. I need to go and take a moment for myself, go get a massage or something, because then I'll be able to come back and receive her with a little bit more compassion and understanding. You know what I mean, and so, as a behaviorist, I try to remember those things. As a mom, I try to remember those things. But that's a luxury in life. Sometimes you don't, you don't have time to stop and to go and take that breather that you need. I got to go home, I got to get ready for the week, I got to get dinner made. All of these things are still happening, Right. It doesn't doesn't matter that my body is in the condition that it's in right now.
Speaker 1:Right. Or you have a million things on your agenda that still need to get done, and Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And I always tell people, like, as far as like, when you're deciding, hey, what type of parent do I want to be, what kind of parenting style do I want to have? That is going to change.
Speaker 1:That is going to change.
Speaker 2:It's going to change depending on, like, what your child is going through and what they need. You know, I look back at videos of myself with the kids and I was like, oh, I want to be that parent. Well, guess what? My girls are different now. They need different things. Yeah, I just told one of my daughters the other day. I was like I want to be cool mom. You guys are really preventing me from being cool mom with these shenanigans. Right, you know, so it's. I just think that it's going to change depending on your kid and what they need over the years. Like, just expect it to change as they get older.
Speaker 1:You know, okay, and that's one way to look at it, almost as if it's like seasonal, like I'm doing this for them, or I'm handling this situation Because we used to have to be so hands on.
Speaker 2:Right, correct. The older you have to learn to let go. That was my thing. That was what my son told me. He said you know, I was too smothering, like he's, like you're a smotherer. I was like, don't tell me that.
Speaker 1:That's what I never wanted to be Right. But you have that dialogue with him, so that says a lot that he's able to identify what the issue is for him and what's not working for him, and then he's not only is he identifying it, but he's also communicating that to you to let you know how to correct it and how to fix it.
Speaker 1:So that's pretty awesome, that you're able to foster that relationship with him so that he's a little more confident. You know, it starts at home, Right? So if he's able to do that with you, then if he's in a relationship or he has certain friendships with certain people, he can communicate the same thing because he's practiced that skill. So that's that's pretty amazing.
Speaker 2:We definitely had more conversations and I think a lot of teenage boys would have had, you know, with their moms. So that's, that's a good thing. But I always want, I always want my kids, even if they, you know, if they mess up or anything like that. It's like I always want you to be able to come to me. So we have this thing. We call it the 10 seconds, right, okay? Or, I'm sorry, not 10 seconds, 10 minutes. And so they come to me and say I need 10 minutes.
Speaker 2:You know, they can pretty much confess anything to me without fear of, you know, backlash, disciplinary action or whatever you want to call it. It's an open 10 minutes for them to clear the air. They can say like, for instance, once it was sixth grade and one of my girls came to me and she said I need 10 minutes. I was like, oh, okay, what is it? And she said I cheated. I said you cheated. She's such a good girl, you know. And she said yeah, and she just started tearing up like ball and she's like I cheated and I feel really bad about it, mom, and blah, blah, blah. And so she told me what she cheated on. It was something that you know she couldn't, she didn't finish it and so just before class she got the rest of the answers, or whatever you know, and that's life.
Speaker 2:And I just told her. I was like, well, I'm glad that you told me, and because you came and you told me and you used your 10 minutes, I said you don't have a punishment. I said, but you do need to make it right. How can you make it right? And she just said I'm going to ask my teacher if I can do a different assignment and then I'll just have an extra assignment. And I was like, yeah, that's a good idea, go do that, right. But just having that you know that space where they can come and say something, knowing that, like, hey, I told you I needed a 10 minutes, don't you know what I mean? It allows them to have some kind of open conversation, open dialogue about whatever it is. Knowing that, okay, mom's not going to freak out. I can't say that I'm not freaking out on the inside, Right.
Speaker 1:So how did the 10 minutes? How did you come up with that? Where, where? What was the birthplace of those the 10 minutes?
Speaker 2:I want to say. It was when, when my son was just now going into his teenage years, we had conversations after conversations but he started to go into a place where he was a little more fist to chest with his information, and so we started bumping heads and I just told him I was like, look, we need a space. We need a space where you can, you can say whatever you need to say and not feel like you're going to get in trouble. And I think he he used it less than the girls, but it just helps us to communicate a little bit more. But again, he was like my first child.
Speaker 2:So I hate to say it this way, but your first child is like your experimental child. You're trying out some other stuff, like did this work, did that work, I don't know. And so my girls have really kind of latched onto that 10 minutes and now they use it very, I think, like just willingly they come to me and it could be like a 10 minutes about the other one. You know, like this you can't tell her. I told you this.
Speaker 2:But it's like okay, whatever it is, I have to keep it I have to hold on. So, yeah, I think it just came from, it came out of necessity. I didn't want the relationship that I cherished with my firstborn to become this. You know the secret of being older, and you know we all. If you have teenagers, you know things change. They're not that open kid that wants to come home and tell you everything anymore, you know. So, yeah, it's been. It's been especially helpful for me.
Speaker 1:So have you had any parenting moments that haven't been as successful or haven't gone the way that you had hoped? Typically, I well, I just operationally define this. That's what I call the shitty mom moment, right when it's like oh, I overreacted, oh, maybe I shouldn't have handled it that way, I should have done something differently. And you know, we can't move backwards. We can only learn from those mistakes and move forward.
Speaker 1:But does anything kind of come to mind that kind of made you like, okay, let me go back to the drawing board and let me figure something out. Do you have any moments like that?
Speaker 2:I mean, I have moments like that all the time. The biggest thing for me is going to be like all right, I messed up, like I just said to my daughter, yesterday or I think was Friday night, I went to her room because I blamed her for a spill that was in the kitchen. I was like, hey, you spill this stuff. You didn't clean it up and you know, like stuff just like that, like oh my gosh, I'm so tired of cleaning up after you, blah, blah, blah. She's like I didn't spill that, that wasn't me.
Speaker 2:I was like what was just me and you here, you know, later on I realized I had made a smoothie and it was in the blender. Right the bottom of our blender drips a little. It was my freaking smoothie For not having cleaned up the floor and when I realized it, I had to. I had to, you know, eat mud. I walked to her room and I said you know the spots on the floor that I accused you of? And she was like, yeah, I didn't do that. I said no, I know, I know. I'm just telling you that it was me and I apologize. Mom's make mistakes too, you know. And that was it. She didn't rub it in or anything like that, and I walked out, you know.
Speaker 2:But I had to go up and let her know, especially because my initial reaction was so like I'm always cleaning up after you, right? No, that was me. I mean, I can't, I don't have a, we don't have enough time for that.
Speaker 1:That you are able to share that with her. I think recently I've started sharing those moments a little bit more with my son.
Speaker 2:Just.
Speaker 1:I call it like I'm human right, so say, in terms of like behavior therapy. We have all of these strategies that we're supposed to use to improve behaviors right, and we know that if we change the environment then we can kind of change any behavior, shape any behavior and things like that. So that's always in the back of my mind when it comes to me with my son, like what behaviors do I want to see, what behaviors don't I like, and how can I like change this environment? But then I find like sometimes, in some days, my reaction is a little more automatic, like I'm on autopilot and it's just like look, I kind of go back to the way that I was raised, right, like the way that I was brought up.
Speaker 1:If this happens like this is going to be the outcome. If I did this, I knew my mom was going to be on my neck about XYZ. So yeah, sometimes that upbringing kind of overrides all of the training that we've had, so now, whenever I have the upbringing is conditioning right Correct Years and years and unfortunately, like my son, he gets the brunt end of it, like the way that I was raised.
Speaker 1:children don't do this, children don't do that, and you need to fall in line and when you don't fall in line behavior analysts, behavior therapists or not this is the right. This is the response that you're going to get, but one day, on our way to school saying that again no, go ahead.
Speaker 2:You know I was going to say my biggest thing is a disrespectful like tone from kids so like my daughters. One of them, she has been well, both of them really. They're more adamant about mutual respect, right, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:And I feel like we have a mutual respect, but don't forget, I am the mom, right? So if I don't know, there's times when one of my daughters, she, reminds me so much of me and maybe that's the thing, like your parents always tell you, like if you give it to me, you're going to get it back. Oh, yeah, you know she is me when I was 13. And I tell her that and she, you know she rolls her eyes or whatever. But my girl, let me tell you you, are so me at 13.
Speaker 2:And I see it, but her tone, she has a harsher tone and I don't think she honestly means it or knows where it's coming from. Do you know what I mean? She doesn't know how it's perceived. Okay, right. And so I had to talk to her about that. I was like, listen, the way that I grew up, if I were to use just the tone that you're using with me, I don't know if I would have lips. I was raised by a Southern man, right, my body was from Houston, texas, so I don't know that I would be able to chew my food.
Speaker 2:Well, if I spoke to my parents the way that you speak to me sometimes, and I never want her to feel like she's lesser than. And so there's this like new hype around gentle parenting. Oh my goodness. Yes, we try that, we do that, we're. You know, we have those moments. But when I tell you, when I hear that tone, the switch gets flipped so quickly, right, it's like what did you say to me? You better watch your tone, right? You know what I mean, right? And so then I go all the way back to, like you said, my upbringing. It's like don't take me there, correct? So I understand that. It's just. It's tough because you want to be that parent that can talk through everything, right, but sometimes I'm not that parent. I'm that parent that I can't even talk to you right now because I'm too pissed and the best thing for me to do is to go in my room and the best thing for you to do is to leave me alone Right Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And those are the moments, instead of me being as reactive and just like because I really do keep count for me, it's more of a behavior change, like I see things that I don't like.
Speaker 1:I want to change those with myself and with my son, like, look, that's about to become a bad habit. I don't like it, let's work on it, let's fix it, but it's the same for me. So with the the, the shitty mom moments, as I like to call them, I'll kind of, when I'm able to I know I can't backtrack, I know I can't take it away, but I will go back to him now and say, hey, sit down, we need to talk. You know, this is why I have such a strong reaction when you do XYZ. So if you don't want to get this reaction from me when I tell you XYZ, that's what I need you to do.
Speaker 1:And I need you to do it right away. This, this is my expectation. So if you want my reaction to change, you need to react a little better, Like when I, when I ask you something, when my expectations, when I've communicated those expectations usually that's what does it for me I've gone above and beyond to help you out, to make sure you understand what I'm asking and you still don't do it. Now I think you're being deliberate. Now I'm taking it as disrespect, and you know that's. That's a no, no right.
Speaker 2:I'm right there with you I get it.
Speaker 2:I love, though, that you said you give your expectations, because I just had a conversation similar to what you described with my other daughter, and I told her. She said I don't know why you got so upset with me or whatever. And I said to her I said it's because you were so sweet getting out of the car, that's, you know, that's my little girl that I remember, and then, by the time that you had called me, you had such a horrible tone it was so disrespectful, the tone that you use, and so I had to explain to her what ticked me off, why it ticked me off, but what I left out is the expectation piece that you just mentioned, and so, if I were to go back to that conversation that I just had with her just a couple of days ago, I would say to her when you speak to me, I expect you to blank right so that she understands that expectation, because, also, I think kids at their age they forget sometimes. You're talking to your parent, you know you are not talking to your friends.
Speaker 2:Right, you know I am your whole mom. Right, I have, I have financed your life those tennis shoes you have on those Jordans, those you know. But those are the type of things that I want them to remember. And the truth is like, when I was a kid, I didn't, I didn't remember those things. I was exactly as my daughter is currently. I actually had a moment where I recognized that I was a shitty daughter.
Speaker 2:Oh okay Because of the interaction that I was having with one of my kids and I called my dad and I said you remember when Blanky Blank and he was he kind of chuckled. He said yeah, I said I apologize, I'm sorry for that, I get it now. And I told him that. I said I get it, you know. And so it's like yeah, everything, yeah, full circle?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, yep, it definitely does. And I think I don't know my son like. He has ADHD. I see a lot of similarities between both of us and you know my my mom is from Georgia, moved down to Florida. She later on in life and she really didn't play that learning disability this than the other. But now I think of it I'm like, oh my gosh, I was just like him when I was that age. Like, oh my gosh, I was around here with ADHD, just really really all.
Speaker 1:And like labels. We didn't have all these supports Right. So when I'm talking to him, sometimes I have to stop myself and I remind myself okay, you know what? He's not even paying attention anymore, like you need to talk in soundbites. But when I was younger, I can remember the exact same thing and it's just like next thing you know somebody going across your head because you're not paying attention and it's like I wasn't paying attention but I couldn't help it.
Speaker 2:Like this is my disability. You're literally punishing me for my disability right now, and I had no clue.
Speaker 1:I didn't discover anything until after my son was diagnosed. So now all of these things just keep flooding back and I'm like, oh my gosh. But at the same time I feel that I can identify with my mom, because she probably didn't know either and she was probably at her wits end Like I have less access to information, absolutely so much less right, Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Now you can Google stuff. Right now you can Google intervention Right Exactly.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I think for my mom, a single mom with two girls, I think some days I just when I not even pushed her to the edge.
Speaker 2:I think I must have pushed her over the cliff.
Speaker 1:Like what are you doing? Like everyone in the family says, like it's not my sister is me. Like I'm the get back on my mom's. Not at all Like me and my mom have the same personality. But if anybody had to choose, like all right, which daughter is the hell? Yeah, and like it would be me. I know it would be me that's how you know who gives you hell.
Speaker 2:That's why I said my one daughter, who I feel like. Oh man, I'm looking at myself. That's why I'm getting all this help.
Speaker 1:Yep, and you know, yeah, that's the same thing with my son. So now I do have those moments where I'm talking to my sister, like now I see why mom used to walk around and like we would think like oh, she's just, you know, if she told you to clean up, like we would think we have cleaned this room from top to bottom, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:She would give us the whole day. She wouldn't bother us, and then she would always warn us. Now, if I go in there, if I find stuff, if I you know, it is going to be a problem. Like it's two of you, your girls. There is no excuse. I'm giving you all the time you need.
Speaker 2:I'm checking the room on this day, which means your girls, because I feel like girls are messier than boys.
Speaker 1:I just I don't even know. They're not supposed to be.
Speaker 2:It's the scent of the wheel. I have no idea if gender matters. I know I'm sick of seeing a room that looks like a hurricane.
Speaker 1:And that's how we would be. And we would, oh, yes, yes, we did it, we did. And my sister and I. She's five years older than I am, so I'm like, oh, we made up the bed, like we got it, and my mom would go in that room, close the door and come out with a garbage bag just full of stuff, and like we would walk in the room, like, oh, it even smells better, like the air is fresher, like how did she find so much to clean when we cleaned it? And she'll like, yeah, I looked under the bed, like what?
Speaker 1:you know, oh, you didn't say clean up.
Speaker 2:She was way. I don't even, I don't even know. Yes, I don't want to.
Speaker 1:Right, right, exactly. So now I see the same thing with my son. Like I, almost I have to give him a task analysis. Like your room is clean. If you got all the trash out from under the bed, did you check in between the mattress and get the trash from there? Like I don't want to see any rappers.
Speaker 2:I go to my behavior brain with this one, like you're doing with the task analysis, but instead mine is all about motivation, right? So where do you want to go? Oh, oh, yes, of course you can go. Oh, what do you want to do with your friend? Absolutely, you can do it. You need money. Sure, are all your chores done? Yeah, if the answer is no, then none of those things are happening, right? No, you're not going anywhere. No, you're not hanging with your friends and you definitely aren't getting any money, you know. So, come Friday, their motivation for the weekend is is your room clean? Are your chores done? Does my house smell nice? Okay, if so, go have a free weekend.
Speaker 2:Yes, you can spend the night they could come over, but other than that, no Right, yeah, it's just you know what to say. They spent a lot of weekends in the house.
Speaker 1:I was hopeful that it would like get better. They get older. I have something to look forward to. They were better when they were younger.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think it's just this phase of life. No, I have one who is almost a neat freak, and so she. She gets messy at times, but for the most part she's the single child that I haven't had to like tell go clean your room, okay, nice, she kind of keeps it tidy.
Speaker 1:So does she follow suit? I mean, does the other one kind of follow suit Like oh, I see this one got to go out, so let me do the other one.
Speaker 2:Because they're twins. I don't know if this has anything to do with it For the parents out there with twins, maybe they see the same thing, but they switch. So earlier in age my other daughter was very neat, and this one was messy Like this one. When we got ready to go somewhere fun, she might have to, you know, stay behind because she didn't. You know, she didn't clean up, Whereas they shared a room though they shared a room together, and so my other daughter, her side, was always clean. Now that they're out of the same room with each other, it's the opposite.
Speaker 2:This one that used to keep her room clean. I mean, it's horrific in there. I don't even want to go in there and look, I just tell her I'm going upstairs, I'm going to walk past your room. Make sure it's clean. When I do, Nobody wants to walk past something that looks like that, Whereas my other one I don't really even have to tell her. So I guess early on she got her fill of being left out of things because she didn't clean up. She didn't do what she was supposed to do. I don't know, but they've definitely switched. The tables have turned.
Speaker 1:So do you have any? We've talked about like shitty mom syndrome. When you have these, moments that you just really wish, like I'm not, you know, meeting the standards that I would like to meet, or setting the expectations that I've set for myself, like I haven't met those so typically in ABA.
Speaker 1:We would call those like target behaviors. Right, like these are the things that I want to get better with, I want to fix, I want to improve on these, but how do you cope with those moments Like how do you get through them yourself personally, once you realize like, oh, I may have not handled that the right way.
Speaker 2:Like how do you get yourself through those?
Speaker 1:moments.
Speaker 2:I think, like you said, like recognizing I'm human right. And I'm big on my giving grace, I use that word a lot with you know my girls just in general, like give them grace, you know when they're upset with a friend or something like that, and so I try to give myself grace too. Okay, right, but I also I have that little inner voice that is telling me, like I tell my girls, when they do something, make it right how are you going to make?
Speaker 2:it right, Right. And so if there's something that I'm really down on myself about, like gosh, you didn't do that, you didn't. You know, you didn't do a good job with that situation, or whatever it is, Most recently, I'm really bummed about us getting out of our dinner rituals. Like we used to have dinner together at night every night, except maybe the weekends when they got to be with their friends, et cetera, et cetera. We've gotten away from some of those practices and I've just been like beating myself up about it, like feeling like such a horrible parent because all their life we've had these types of standards in place for our family meals you know, but it's just recognizing that I'm not perfect.
Speaker 2:I am human and I need to give myself some grace because if I don't, it can become depressing. You know, if I'm just putting so much pressure on myself to be this perfect parent like news flash, there's no such thing as a perfect parent.
Speaker 1:Correct, absolutely.
Speaker 2:No kid comes with a manual, and I don't care that we have access to Google now. Yeah, google can't tell me how to deal with my babies when they're going through their stuff.
Speaker 2:So I would say I just try to give myself some grace and I'm really good at self-talk. Okay, I learned that a long time ago and it's like you know, it's one of those things that when you need a little more drive in your life, you use it then. Well, when I need a little more grace in my life, I use it then. Okay, just so that I don't allow the negative talk in my mind to get so overwhelming that I truly feel like that's who I am. No, that was a bad decision. I'm not a bad mom Right Now. That was a shitty way to snap at your kid. Don't make it right. But it doesn't mean that it overshadows everything. Right, you know everything that you do as a parent and all the good and great that you've done for your child, because you had that moment.
Speaker 1:I like that, Not letting those moments overshadow the good and the positive moments. I try to tell everyone because, of course, when you hear the name of the show Four Shitty Moms it's like, uh what, that's a shitty moment.
Speaker 2:Right, that is okay, we're human Right.
Speaker 1:And that's where it really came from, because I found myself at one point just going through those, experiencing the changes that my son was going through. You know, it pushes you as a parent to go through changes that you don't necessarily expect and it seems like whenever you feel like okay, I got it down, we're in our stride, like something comes up Right, they go, they start going through another phase and then everything that you learned kind of goes out the window and now you have to learn a new set of skills. And I think for myself, like the birthplace of Four Shitty Moms was really me being in a headspace and kind of stuck in those mistakes that I had made in the past. So I'm stuck there. My son he's getting older, he's growing and just one day I had an epiphany, like you know what those mistakes are not even bothering him as much as they're bothering me.
Speaker 1:Like he's not thinking about it. He's not dwelling on it. I realize he's a little more resilient than I thought he was, and really it's me. I'm stuck on those same mistakes, like I'm overthinking everything now, like I don't want to do anything now because I feel like I'm screwing up, I'm messing up. Oh, I messed up that time and I just screwed up again, and so let me.
Speaker 2:I got to jump in there because, um, do you remember the conversation I mentioned that I just had a few days ago, when I had to tell my daughter, like I didn't like the way you talk to me, one of the things like being a spiritual woman, one of the things I do I talk to God constantly, right, like, am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? And like, you know, whatever people believe in, we all have that little inner voice, right, and what came to me was you are so focused on the negative behaviors that you don't even get to celebrate the positive, right, right, and so sometimes we, like you said, overthink, we are overthinking these. You know negative moments, whether it be our own moments or the moments from our kids. That was one moment. Don't let that moment now ruin a whole day. Right, and the reason why I say that is because this, I mentioned that in that, in that exchange that I had with my daughter, she had this really, really genuinely sweet moment with me.
Speaker 2:Earlier before we had a phone call where her tone you know that's my trigger. I like that disrespectful tone, but that moment was the moment that every parent of you know a teenage girl. They want, they want those moments, they want to see that. You know that sweet eight year old almost, that they used to have Right, right, yeah. And so I had a moment like that with her. And then, a couple of hours later, the tone triggered this like, oh you know, and now we're in a negative space because of this moment. Why does this moment have to trump that one? Why do I have to be stuck in this negative space when I could just focus on that positive one? And sometimes we do that to ourselves, sometimes we do that to our kids, right, and it was. It just came to me, like you put more energy into the negative than you do into the positive, Absolutely. And so we know, as behaviorists when you do that, what do you reap?
Speaker 1:You reap more negative, you get more negative. Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I'm glad that you said that. Yeah, absolutely. I mean it's been a learning experience. So whenever it you hear the name right For shitty moms, it first my husband was like uh, is it for like four, or is it for like the number? Like what are you doing? So I'm explaining, I'm like, well, that's just, that's just how I feel, and even the self talk, like that's where it came from, like oh my gosh, you know what? I'm just a shitty mom. That was horrible, but let me fix it.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Let me make it better and I cannot be the only mom feeling shitty. And he just kind of looked at me like okay, Like, but that was my way. Right, exactly, but you know this is a nonstop job. This job is 24 seven and it's like you're constantly. It can be the smallest thing and when it's thing after thing after thing after thing is like oh my goodness, am I messing up my child?
Speaker 1:Like am I doing anything right and it does overshadow and you, you put things into perspective and it's like it wasn't even that bad, or yeah, with my son is like, a few minutes later he's onto something else. I'm still bothered by it. And he's just onto the next and he's not even thinking about it anymore.
Speaker 2:That is so true. Yeah, we hold onto things. I don't know why we do that sometimes. As parents, we definitely hold onto things, but there was a moment in a movie that I saw recently was so funny because the movie was the Barbie movie. Okay, who saw that? There was like mixed reviews about it. Nonetheless, there was one scene where pretty much everybody in my role teared up. There was a lot of moms, a couple dads in between, and it was the moment she went on her rant about all that is expected of a mom you know, or, as you know, when you're trying to do things this way and you know you mess up, and I just remember it hitting home.
Speaker 2:It just hit home in that moment and I teared up and it was like I missed those moments that you could just. You know, when the kids are little and they're at that age where they're just so cute and everything is cute and fun, and blah, blah, blah, I was like gosh, I missed those moments. And now, at this stage, those moments are slipping away. You know what I mean? It's like no, they're about to be adults here in five years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, so why would?
Speaker 2:I spend so much of my time focusing on those negative, nasty little moments. You know what I mean. Like, say what you need to say. I'm not saying that you know we're not going to check our kid when they need to be checked, Correct, Okay, Because we're still trying to rear good people, people that are going to go out into the world and treat people with kindness, with respect. So I'm not saying don't check them in that moment. I mean just don't let things linger, even your own behavior, Like don't let it linger In that moment. You said you were upset with your son and now he's over it. I do the same thing. My girls have even told me like mom, you're mad, but like I'll get upset when they argue with each other. They pick at each other and I get upset and it puts me in a bad mood the rest of the day. And they're like in the next moment, literally the next time the clock ticks, they are best friends again.
Speaker 1:And I am still pissed off and you still bothered.
Speaker 2:I am at work, pissed off, because that's how my morning started. You know, they get out of work or out of school and they switch shoes and switch jackets and their besties and I'm like what are you guys doing to me? I hate when you do this. They're like mom. It was just a minute, Like we were just upset with each other. We're over it.
Speaker 1:But I think we put more into it, because at least I know for me what really sends me over the edge is I start those what ifs right, because my job is to prepare you as an adult, because I'm not always going to be here. So when I see things like that I'm thinking as an adult, like you can't do those things when I'm gone, like you need to know how to do this on your own without being told, because when I'm gone you're going to have to take care of yourself. Like I'm not going to be here to fix it. So usually that kind of sends me into that spiral and that panic. And then I have to remind myself, like girl, he's 10.
Speaker 2:I was just going to say he's not even close to being an adult.
Speaker 1:He's 10. But he's not thinking about that.
Speaker 2:How many things did we learn without our parents? You know what I mean, and so we try to protect our kids from all the what ifs of the world that may or may not even occur, or that they're probably not even ready for.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're probably just not even ready for it. But I am like you. I am constantly thinking that, especially with the work that we do. Our job is to help kids become independent in this world, and so, from a very young age, I start their parents to thinking like, where do you want to see your child when they're an adult? And they're like four now? But you have to keep your eye on the prize. Well, guess what With our kids? That's true, they might be struggling with ADHD, like your son, or doing something else, but it doesn't mean that we have to teach them everything right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:They still have time, they're still growing and I know for me there are so many things that I did under my parents' nose that they had no idea about. I learned some things the hard way and the reality is our kids are sometimes going to learn the hard way and we have to be okay with that. But we want them to learn everything right now by our rules. So that's the tough part, that's the part that I'm trying to get over, especially having a child who's now an adult. He helped me to understand that, okay, there comes a time when you do have to step back a little bit Right and you do have to let your kid figure some things out on their own. You know Absolutely, and even.
Speaker 1:I mean they can do it at any age. Those problem-solving skills, they really do have to work on it. It's not going to be something that just happens overnight, so that has helped me back off a little bit and kind of leave the open-ended questions there it's definitely. And even now I can see my son like, if I leave it to him, like, is your choice, is your decision? He's like what, what?
Speaker 2:Looking at you kind of weird right Like are you okay, he's panicking a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so even today, something as simple as we're eating ice cream before we started the show and I'm like you know what, I'm not going to be able to finish mine, I'm going to save it for later. And then after, like, I kind of just walked away and after a while I see him go into the freezer putting his ice cream away. And he is just like me, loves chocolate, like loves ice cream, and I'm like you're putting it away. He was like yeah, I know, I just know you wouldn't want me to eat the whole thing, wow.
Speaker 2:Like that's what every parent wants to hear. Right, and I'm like you.
Speaker 1:okay, that's awesome, Right. So even something as simple as ice cream. Like I'm pretty sure he was thinking like I'm just waiting on her to tell me to like not eat the whole thing, because usually I'm on him about yeah, I'm like your choice. And he's like probably looking at me like are you okay? Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I'm slowly getting there and learning and kind of just letting him feel his way through different situations, because he's got to start somewhere and I have to start somewhere.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's been hard for me to let go and, like I said, with having twin 13-year-olds, that, like our one-on-one time, is sometimes when I'm able to get the most out of like who they are.
Speaker 1:Okay, you know what?
Speaker 2:I mean. And so I had a moment with one of the girls where I noticed she was changing a little bit. I noticed her being a little bit of a follower and she's so headstrong. That's never been something I even worried about and I just remember having a conversation with her when we were on our little one-on-one and I asked her instead of telling her, you know, I asked her. I said do you think there's anything different in the way that you're behaving like late when it comes to like your friends and you know the clothes you're wearing and the things you're saying. Do you notice anything different? And she immediately this is the one, like I said she told on herself she cheated. She immediately kind of started to look down and she said I've kind of been noticing like I'm being a little bit of a follower lately and Whoo, it was like it was like some kind of like spirit lifted off.
Speaker 1:I was like oh, thank you, jesus she noticed it too, okay.
Speaker 2:Come at her and say in a follower, because then she would have been defensive right. Right and she said, yeah, I've kind of been noticing, I've been a little bit of a follower lately and I said really okay and tell me about that.
Speaker 1:And so I remember has been her.
Speaker 2:I said so how are you, how are you going to like Reestablish who you are and like, set that you know that firmness when it comes to dealing with your friends? Like, how are you going to reestablish who you are, despite what they might say to you? They might say to you like, oh well, you're acting snooty or you know. And I'm giving her different scenarios. I said how are you gonna be able to do that, isn't it just? I mean, it might be easier to just be a follower at this point. And she said no. And then she started talking me. She said I'm just gonna tell them this and this. I'm thinking to myself Thank you, okay, she's saying the words. Yeah, I would have given her right, but it's coming from her, and so what that tells me is they're listening, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's really rewarding too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but that approach, like when you just walked away and you didn't tell him anything, right, that approach where, instead of me telling her, you've been a follower and you need to tell your friends this, and the approach of letting them you know, figured out it. It. It does two things. It lets us know that they're listening right, right. And also it helps them feel like they're in control, correct, absolutely. And they need to feel that, because we're not always gonna be here, correct. They need to know that you, you have control over you, you know, so you can make good decisions all on your own and you don't need me standing right over you telling you right, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah and then I made sure like okay, I'm so proud of you and you know you got a.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I'm like let me reinforce this so I can see it a little bit more. But I was really shocked and I'm just like, okay, I'm really proud of you, like that's, that's a really mature decision to make, because what kid wouldn't want to sit there and eat a whole thing of ice cream, you know, but he kind of great age too for him to start making those at ten years old, like because next year He'll be, or is he already? In middle school. He'll be in middle school next year and that's a big Gonna start praying now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the the biggest Stressor right now. I keep trying to tell him like, honey, it's, it's gonna be different, it is not the same. I think the school I've been kind of reading up on it, the school that he's zoned for, it's like Picking schools. Yeah, headache. Yeah, it's about 1300 kids at this school. Yeah, so I'm like it's gonna be, different and I cannot make every choice for you. So you know you're gonna have to start somewhere.
Speaker 2:The same thing with the friends like hey, hey so much peer pressure at this age, that middle school age. I'd always heard it from other parents with children older than mine Like oh boy, middle school middle school. You know, get ready for middle school.
Speaker 2:Yeah and I know what they meant. This is the stage where, like the kids are trying to figure out you know who they are and they're Too young to really understand all of the consequences of their actions and choices and they're too old to really fear the authorities in you know, schools and things like that, so they really have to have Someone at home that is helping them to. You know, plant that firmness of this is who I am. I don't do things like that. I'm not this, I'm not that. I don't say this. You know what I mean. You know what I mean and I've had those conversations with both of my girls. With one of them it was more about the language. I looked in the phone.
Speaker 2:I do phone checks, it's random, okay you know, and although it was acronyms, because of course all the text language is all Acronyms right and I'm like ASF. I know what that means. What are you doing? Right, and she's like mom, but it's not a real no, but you know what it means. Right is a court. Is this what you? Is this the type of person that you want to be? And if all the kids around you are using bad language, is that the group that you want to be in? Right? And then, with my other daughter, it was more about dressing. It's like, um, it's a little too short girlfriend. She got left.
Speaker 2:I remember one morning a few months ago and and believe it or not, the weather here in Vegas you know it's known for being sunny and hot, mm-hmm, we had a whole blizzard on this day. It did not start early in the morning, early, our weather is a little bit schizophrenic here. So in the morning it was breezy, nice day, felt like San Diego, and this little girl came out in a little skirt that she had from maybe two years ago or something, and I was like where do you think you're going in that?
Speaker 2:Are you serious right now? And I told her I have a meeting, but here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna drop your sister at school. By the time I get back, you need to have on an outfit that is appropriate for school, you know. And when I got back, we talked about it and she told me she was like, well, it's picture day and all my friends, we were gonna wear the same thing and this. They all have Many skirts and I don't have, and I'm well too bad, you know. But she had picked an outfit that was appropriate. Do you know, on this day, right around lunchtime, there was this whole storm that came through Vegas. It was freezing cold, it snowed a little. I was like I don't know if we need to get on our knees and pray. I don't know what's happening, but it is snowing in Vegas. And when I picked her up from school, I just chuckled and I looked at her. I said I bet you're pretty glad I made you change huh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was so cold today it was freezing today. Yeah, you're about to be out there freezing your little kneecaps off.
Speaker 1:And that's good, like those are the moments we can kind of look back at and laugh at them, because I think what makes it better is that you didn't have that explosive Reaction, right? It's just, hey, go fix it and I'll be back and. Ultimately like that. That's what it's all about. So this is a behavior change podcast, so typically Towards the end of the show, we kind of I always like to wrap it up by pointing out replacement behaviors, as we call them like we we know what behaviors or we have an idea of Of what behaviors that we engage in sometimes that we want to change and then we
Speaker 1:need to replace those behaviors with something to kind of serve the same function. And today, as we were going through um the show, you gave a lot of ideas for replacement behaviors and I've just been jotting them down, so I'm going to take our listeners through them, because I feel like you really dropped a lot of gems right now. So I just want to share them with our listeners so that way, if Something that was said today resonates with them, they kind of know okay, this is where I am and this is where I would like to be. How do I get there Right? So some of the replacement behaviors that you mentioned today include self talk, which was a good one, because, look, I can use that myself. Um, give grace, know that, like, mistakes are going to happen, um, but not dwelling on it, and I love that. You said that the mistakes Shouldn't overshadow the accomplishments, so it kind of helps you to move forward a little bit.
Speaker 1:Um, you definitely mentioned on different occasions that you talked to god. I think that kind of helps a lot of us. I've seen even with my mom. I know between my sister and I we Took my mom through it. But I think a lot of times, even without her having a background in behavior, she just kind of Would talk to god when she didn't know what else to do.
Speaker 1:She couldn't threaten us like those threats were not working, like the discipline was not working. I know that's something that she used. It it really is a replacement behavior to help you kind of ground and center yourself. Um, you mentioned not letting the moment ruin the day. So that was a moment. It has passed. What other good things happened Throughout the day so that they aren't overshadowed? Um, you mentioned when you are coaching and talking to other parents, you focus on the end goal and keep your eye on the prize, and I think that's important. That's something Even me personally. You can get consumed, and I know from experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can get consumed with Things that happen, because life happens Constantly. Back to back to back is just you know, sometimes we go through seasons where we're just getting slammed With challenges and we don't get a minute to breathe. So yeah, keeping that eye on the prize really helps. Um, you said don't let things linger. I love that because you know it happened. We just got to keep moving forward. How? How do we want to move forward Um letting the kids make their own choices?
Speaker 1:That is huge because, as Moms, when we are yeah, but when we let go, it's like you let go and you open yourself up to Doing other things.
Speaker 2:So I feel like you realize that, oh, my teaching was effective. Yeah, and that's really the only way you can try to see if it works.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it is like a trial and error, yeah you definitely have to see like, okay, it's almost like putting your parenting to the test, right? So I've, I've taught you this much, all right now.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna let you go a little bit and and see how you do. And I think for me that was one of the strategies that I tried, without even Really knowing it, and that's what really kind of opened up my schedule a little bit more. To Take that yoga class that I had been talking about for a year, because, guess what I'm, I'm not going to help you as much. You don't need me over your shoulder.
Speaker 2:Constantly. They won't. They actually want to have a little bit of freedom. Yeah, they do.
Speaker 1:Yep, and so they rise to the occasion.
Speaker 2:Yeah and when I learned that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but when I learned to let go, guess what? Now I get to go to yoga. I should have let go a long time ago.
Speaker 2:Right now I'm like what else can?
Speaker 1:I let go of. Can you drive yourself to school like?
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's let go.
Speaker 1:Let's really let go. What else can we let go of? But I think that's beautiful that you have have dropped all of these gyms and the one, I think Message that keeps coming up and you've said it over and over you say, you know, you ask yourself this, you ask your kids this is, how can you fix it? And that's pretty much the the whole premise around shitty moms, like, yeah, we have these behaviors, but what can we do to make it better? You know, we joke about it. It sounds funny and I always tell people hey, for shitty moms it's a misnomer like we are not talking about moms who are negligent or anything like that. We're Really describing moms with high standards who put a lot of pressure on themselves to Be the best, be there for their, their kids, constantly, where the millions of hats that moms have to wear Do every single thing perfectly or, you know, to that perfect standard. And that's what makes this job as a mom Overwhelming, because you can't do everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you, you will run yourself Down to the ground and, like you said, you have to do that self-care and self-care. It's gonna look different. Um, I really feel Right. I feel like I recently became a behavior analyst. So with that, you know, you get a little more flexibility, a little more freedom.
Speaker 1:The the income is better. So really I went from you know that struggling teacher income to you know now I can actually have A decent way to support my family, right, and have a better quality of life, and that really was the motivation. But I don't want to oversimplify what self-care looks like, because as a teacher, um, that self-care looked totally different, right, uh, because just the finances were not there to do certain things. So Self-care, you're gonna have to define it based on really what you can afford and I think a lot of the time your resources.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like those are like the key components that sometimes You're gonna miss on social media when they're advertising or in the blogs when they're telling you that women need self-care. Sometimes I read those things and I'm like, well, this doesn't apply to me.
Speaker 2:And I can remember going through those articles like nope, can't do that, nope can't do that that's too busy, but one of the things I'm gonna take from this experience with you Um, you mentioned early on in the podcast about Moms calling upon other moms. You know, go take a walk. Um, I think that's so important. I don't do enough of that because it feels burdensome, right.
Speaker 1:Gotcha.
Speaker 2:And so sometimes we don't want to, we don't want to feel like a burden to others and we want to look like oh, it's all together, I'm all together, everything's fine, everything's good right.
Speaker 2:But I think we do need to lean on each other more and to say, hey, I just I need, you know, to get out and I need to take a walk. Do you want to come walk with me? Yeah, I think that's that's really important, and so I know when I leave here with you, that's gonna be in the back of my mind Like you need to do that more. You don't do that.
Speaker 1:Good, I'm glad you're leaving with some gyms too.
Speaker 2:That's what this is all about First do it.
Speaker 1:Just sharing what works, like we all know. I feel like we all we can do a laundry list of things that's not working right, but what things out there, what are you doing and and what's working Right? We need to hear more dialogue about those things and just really share those moments with other moms so they can hear something and and maybe try something that they've heard. And that's really why we're here to kind of create that Support group that says, hey, I can identify, I hear you, I went through the same thing and this is how I got through it. So thank you so much for Joining us today. And if any of our listeners, if any of our listeners wanted to get in touch with you To reach out to you of something that they heard today really resonated with them, how can they get in touch with you?
Speaker 2:So my business idea on instagram is aspects, that's aspects underscore. Aba, we're on instagram and facebook, so you can reach me there and you can reach me personally at the bless chick underscore Ever. That is, the B? L e s? T chick underscore ever. This has been so fun.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for joining. Hey everyone, it's your favorite bcb ad here, dr Doloran, and I'm here to ask you to help us Continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting www.4shittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also visit us on instagram, youtube, facebook and tick tock At 4 shitty moms and that's shitty with a next, not an I.