Ever felt like you're juggling a million balls in the air and dropping a few along the way, especially as a mom? What if I told you, it's okay to drop a few? It's okay to not be perfect. Join me in a heartfelt, raw, and real dialogue with Cynthia, a mother of three girls and a proud nurse. She walks us through the intricate dance of managing work and home, while nurturing a healthy marriage and her own self.
Cynthia's journey of balancing her nursing career with motherhood is nothing short of inspiring. She takes us through the challenges of coordinating schedules, managing the girls' extracurricular activities, and maintaining the elusive work-life balance. With refreshing honesty, Cynthia shares her struggles and victories, revealing the mess and beauty of this journey. You'll be moved by her tale of positive parenting that led to a proud maternal moment, reminding us all of the impact we make in our children's lives.
In the pursuit of being supermoms, it's easy to forget ourselves and burnout. Cynthia reminds us of the importance of self-care, not as an indulgence, but as a necessity. She shares insights into strategies for lightening the load – outsourcing tasks, being resourceful, and teaching kids to contribute. Dive into this conversation of faith, determination, and the many hats that a mom has to wear. The journey is hard, the journey is beautiful, and Cynthia's story is a gentle reminder that it's okay to be a work in progress. Join us and be inspired.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Interview With Cynthia
13:25 - Balancing Nursing Careers and Family Life
24:41 - Improving as a Mother, Seeking Balance
38:16 - A Mother's Struggles and Imperfections
49:50 - Balancing Schedules and Extracurriculars for Children
1:00:39 - Recent Motherhood Challenges and Rewards
1:07:58 - The Joy and Challenges of Motherhood
1:16:28 - Challenges and Advice in Motherhood
1:24:23 - Strategies for Lightening the Load
1:34:36 - Pleasant Exchange and Podcast Promotion
A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
Ever felt like you're juggling a million balls in the air and dropping a few along the way, especially as a mom? What if I told you, it's okay to drop a few? It's okay to not be perfect. Join me in a heartfelt, raw, and real dialogue with Cynthia, a mother of three girls and a proud nurse. She walks us through the intricate dance of managing work and home, while nurturing a healthy marriage and her own self.
Cynthia's journey of balancing her nursing career with motherhood is nothing short of inspiring. She takes us through the challenges of coordinating schedules, managing the girls' extracurricular activities, and maintaining the elusive work-life balance. With refreshing honesty, Cynthia shares her struggles and victories, revealing the mess and beauty of this journey. You'll be moved by her tale of positive parenting that led to a proud maternal moment, reminding us all of the impact we make in our children's lives.
In the pursuit of being supermoms, it's easy to forget ourselves and burnout. Cynthia reminds us of the importance of self-care, not as an indulgence, but as a necessity. She shares insights into strategies for lightening the load – outsourcing tasks, being resourceful, and teaching kids to contribute. Dive into this conversation of faith, determination, and the many hats that a mom has to wear. The journey is hard, the journey is beautiful, and Cynthia's story is a gentle reminder that it's okay to be a work in progress. Join us and be inspired.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Interview With Cynthia
13:25 - Balancing Nursing Careers and Family Life
24:41 - Improving as a Mother, Seeking Balance
38:16 - A Mother's Struggles and Imperfections
49:50 - Balancing Schedules and Extracurriculars for Children
1:00:39 - Recent Motherhood Challenges and Rewards
1:07:58 - The Joy and Challenges of Motherhood
1:16:28 - Challenges and Advice in Motherhood
1:24:23 - Strategies for Lightening the Load
1:34:36 - Pleasant Exchange and Podcast Promotion
A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmomatgmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M-A-G-M-A-L dot com. It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. Alright, everyone, welcome to another episode of FSM.
Speaker 1:I'm your host, deloren, and today we have a special guest by the name of Cynthia. Now, this is a little different. Cynthia was given her information was given to me through a mutual friend who was like oh my gosh, I love this show, you just have to interview her. She has such an amazing story. So once Cynthia agreed to do the show, we got in touch with each other and the rest is history. So, everyone, I want to go ahead and hand things over to Cynthia. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you again for doing this show and I'm going to pass it over to you and let you introduce yourself to myself and the listeners.
Speaker 2:Alright, thank you. Thank you, I'm glad to be here and it is an honor.
Speaker 1:So I'm Cynthia and Okay, so tell me your name is Cynthia, Okay tell me your age and where you're from.
Speaker 2:Let's start there, Okay so my name is Cynthia. I'm 36 years old. I was born and raised in Miami. In my teen years I did move to Broward and I have been here ever since, so I am a proud Broward County resident.
Speaker 1:Okay, and tell me about your family size and marital status.
Speaker 2:So I am, I'm married, and this year it will be 13 years. Oh wow, congratulations and thank you. And we have three girls, okay An 11 year old, a 9 year old and a 6 year old, and a baby on the way. So our hands have been full, but I wouldn't have won it any other way.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, congratulations. Thank you and all girls.
Speaker 2:All girls oh wow, okay.
Speaker 1:So what is that like being a girl mom?
Speaker 2:Being a girl mom. I mean, it's always on diva mode here, always, always it's heels and hair and nails and makeup. And now, with my 11 year old in middle school, it's you know how we have to have that woman. You know that woman to woman talk, where we have menstrual, we're talking about boys, we're talking about the birds and the bees. So having three girls with three different personalities is a big task. But girls are so fun at the same time. Okay, just dressing them up and girls are really fun. But three different personalities girl personalities you already know that could be a reality show in itself. Okay, sure, I won't be surprised if they have their reality show, because there's love and war in this house, okay. And at the end of the day, they love each other. They do depend on each other and they love knowing that they have sisters to rely on. And it's getting to the point where it's not. They're not just going to mommy anymore, they're going to their sisters for guidance and I love seeing that.
Speaker 1:Good, okay. So are you hoping for a boy, or?
Speaker 2:do you not care? No, you can answer that. No, you know you can answer that. Come on, anybody, anybody, would guess that, yes, we're hoping for a boy. Okay, I'm not sure. Doctors aren't 100% sure yet. So, everyone listening, please, please, go ahead and pray, okay, pray and agree for this boy. But you know what? I don't want to seem like I'm not grateful. So if it is a girl, then it is what it is. We'll just be that girl family. Right, I'm just happy.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's awesome. Congratulations again, Thank you and definitely keep us posted. I would love to follow up and see how things are going. Thank you, so tell us about your occupation and how does that work, or how do you make it fit being a mom of multiples already being a parent is challenging. Being a mom is more work, and then you have three. So how do you manage that as a working mom? Give us some insight.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 2:So working mom almost came right with the package after I got married. Okay. So as soon as we got married, three months later, we found out I'm pregnant. So forget all the Instagram posts of my husband, me and my husband traveling here and there and all of that went through the door. We're ready. First year marriage, we were ready, you know. Getting the baby room ready, it was just, it was a reality. Okay, and just having to know that I have to work consistently to make sure I'm able to take care of my family, that was so.
Speaker 2:I've been a nurse. First of all, I'm a nurse and I've been a nurse for it's going on to see 2008. Let me see if I'm pregnant. So if I don't get my math right, I'm excused. Okay, so 2008,. Well, about almost 15 years. So I have been a nurse even so. It's funny, people laugh at me because they say I've gotten a degree with every baby that I had.
Speaker 2:Okay, so with my first, I did graduate as an RN. Okay, I did study working as an LPN, a licensed practical nurse, before I even got married. Okay, but while pregnant, I graduated as a registered nurse. I did start in school nursing because school nursing and home care, because I wanted to allow that time to be able to, you know, to just have decent hours stress. I don't know if you know, but hospital jobs are not necessarily the best out there, especially when you're carrying and you're pregnant. So I started school nursing then and then, with my second, I went back to school, while working full time, like I said, also at school nursing, working Monday through Friday, having weekends off. I still wanted time with my husband, I still wanted time with my with, you know, my baby at the time. And then here goes the second round I'm still working as a nurse, still Monday through Friday, weekends off, going to school.
Speaker 2:That wasn't easy, going to school in the evenings and graduated with my bachelor's and then gave birth to my second child. And after that I did want to pursue another field. I went into. I went into nursing home care. Okay, and that was a wake up call, because now I have two kids at home and they're telling me my shift is eight hours. But here we are, I'm looking at my watch, I'm like it's been 12 hours and I'm still not home. Oh, wow, and every day you never know what time you're going home. And then I had an infant at home.
Speaker 2:So you know that that was a lot of a lot of stress, not not the job per se, because a lot of people think, you know, people don't do the job because they can't do the job, but there's other sacrifices that people are willing to take and at that time it was my family, okay. So at that time I found myself going back to school, school nursing, because, like I said, you know we get your holidays off Monday through Friday. So I gladly did that, went back to school, got my master's oh wow, my third child, okay, with my master's. And then now I just graduated with another master's what? I'm a nurse practitioner now, and then that's when I found out I'm having a baby.
Speaker 2:So working pretty much, I would say I sacrificed a lot because as a nurse there are many options out there and there are great options where you could get paid quite a bit, and that wasn't the route I went because that was not what worked for my family. So a lot of people at the time especially you know other friends I had a nursing they didn't quite understand. They were like you could work here, you could work at this hospital, you could get this type of money, you could do travel nursing, especially when COVID came around. You're right, you could do travel nursing, get 10,000 in one week. And I was that one. I would. I would sacrifice all that didn't mean nothing to me. I wanted to be with my family because I knew when the time came I'll be there.
Speaker 2:So was it easy doing all of that working, school and parenting? No, what works is having a good support system. Okay, I do have friends that say, well, you got a husband, you good. And I tell them, no, that's not necessarily the case. Yes, yes, he gets a lot of credit. But for my single moms out there, I encourage that they have support. They have family, close friends. Everyone can build their own support system and I think that's what it takes. It takes a village, to be honest. So I can't take credit for all of this for myself and I always give credit to God because people are like how you do it and I'm like sometimes I don't know how I do it. Ok, people sometimes have to tell me what I did and I look back on life and I'm like you're right, how did I do that? How am I not bald yet? How come, like you know, I don't have gray hair by now and all I could do is like it must be God, because I kept the faith through it all.
Speaker 1:OK, but.
Speaker 2:I know that was a long answer.
Speaker 1:You know that's amazing, though that's amazing, I love to hear it and I want to clarify for the listeners and correct me if I'm wrong. If you, since you're referring to school nursing, like you are the school nurse, is that what you're referring to?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was a school nurse for a few years, ok, and then eight years ago I was, I was in school health like admin, ok, gotcha First thing. So I was, I was in the office and it wasn't so much hands on, it was more visiting schools, making sure policies, procedures are being done, review and report. So it was more admin, and that that was even even better. Ok. So, and right now, even in my position now, it will be strictly admin as far as school health.
Speaker 1:OK, that's awesome. And one thing I like about the show every time I speak to a different mom I feel like they are exposing us as like a listener, as a following. They always expose us to like a new field and I love that because we one of my questions like I usually follow a list of interview questions is I follow it loosely but I always ask if the field that they're in is it mommy friendly or not. So I love that you are exposing our listeners to another area of nursing that probably most don't really know about. It's not really something that I thought about. When I think about nursing, I think about the hospital, my older sister. She's a nurse practitioner but she works in that hospital setting and just having daily conversations with her, she screens people. She works at a cancer institute so they only focus on like oncology and cancer patients and even with her schedule she, like you said, you may be set for those 40 hours a week, but guess what?
Speaker 2:You had a patient running late.
Speaker 1:You. Something came up unexpected and you have to see it through. And you're waiting on paperwork. You're waiting to clear somebody for surgery, you're checking vitals. Anything can happen when you have patients depending on you and you can't just clock out and go home. So I like that. You are highlighting the fact that you prioritize your family and that's why you are in your field of choice to where you have that set schedule and when you're off you're off.
Speaker 1:When it's time to go, it's time to hang it up and put on that mommy hat. So that's going to help a lot of listeners who may be considering. I know a lot of my friends now are considering nursing and going to school to pursue that. But I always wonder even my friends who are currently in nursing school I see a lot of them are doing the travel nursing. I know that became very popular very quickly with COVID and it's almost like man. I wonder how they're making that work because they have a little one at home, they have multiple children at home and they're still doing the travel nursing. So they're probably making some sacrifices with that quality time.
Speaker 1:And you weren't willing to sacrifice your quality time. That's what it sounds like to me. So you really prioritize that family time. So I love that you're giving more details, because maybe someone that's considering nursing school or somebody that's already a nurse may not have thought about hmm, maybe I can do school health and that way I can have that set schedule and still have that quality time with family.
Speaker 1:So thank, you for like giving us some insight, because, of course, I didn't really know about that either. So, besides parenting and working, are you able to have any hobbies of your own outside of that area?
Speaker 2:So any hobbies that I have now include my children and I have not necessarily picked up a skill that I'm out there mastering or anything like that. What I consider a hobby is just getting out, having fun doing something different. So it's not the typical. You know, I go out and do tennis, I go out and do that. I wish I could say that and I'm going to get there one day. I'm still still trying to learn life work balance. It doesn't stop, even after 11 years, after my oldest. It doesn't stop you. You always learn different ways to have that life work balance. So I do want to pick up a hobby eventually, but no, I'm.
Speaker 2:We just find ourselves trying to do fun family things maybe go to the movies, maybe go to the park, go out, get some ice cream, go to the beach, go to the pool, just do that. And then after that the only time we're out to is church. So it's pretty much church or family time. And then I try to incorporate some date, some date nights, because it's easy to fall, especially with three kids. It's so easy to fall into just mommy mode. You know, 24, seven, and to have a successful family you have to get into that wifey mode and that's probably how we got into the four child. But I'll leave that alone.
Speaker 1:But that is important and I think the the older I get, my husband and I we've been together for 12 years.
Speaker 1:We're coming up on our seven year wedding anniversary next year, and I think I'm just starting to learn how to take that mom hat off and prioritize us as, like, a couple without the mom hat, without the responsibilities of OK, what do we need to tackle, what do we need to do? And it does take a lot of planning, a lot of effort and a lot of thought to not just get caught up in that that daily routine which turns into the weekly routine, which turns into that monthly routine, and, before you know it, a year has gone by and it's like have we taken a break? Have we taken a breather?
Speaker 1:No, exactly Get hit with life and you have to just roll with the punches sometime. So what does that look like? Does your village kind of pitch in? Because I know childcare is I call it a luxury right now. And then you have three. So how do you find like the childcare to secure?
Speaker 2:something like a day Village. I don't think we've ever hired a babysitter, only because I'm just, you know a little, you know sketchy, if anything. We've got in contact with maybe family friends who have teenage daughters and I would pay them. So in a way, yes, you can see that as a babysitter, but someone who I knew. At the end of the day, but definitely between our parents, they understand, and it's never to the point on, you know, I just thank God for them. It's never to the point where we're begging them. Okay, it's almost like, hey, you didn't call me this month, did you and your hubby go out? Yeah, they know, because they know that. That's why we're so happy, Actually look forward to it.
Speaker 2:So I wonder they probably don't be like, oh Lord, if they break up and with these three kids it's going to be too much. So they're probably trying to make us stay together. I'm fine, I love that, but yeah, I don't even. It's to the point where it's not us asking anymore. It's more of like let's, they've already incorporated into their schedule. So it's just a matter of us choosing which, which day and time, and so that's just the little date nights here and there.
Speaker 2:What I find is the struggle is an actual go away trip. Okay, once again, I love my babies and I'm like, I'm one of those after the first night I'm like I wonder how they doing, I wonder how this and my husband's like, can you just, you know, and I'm calling, I'm texting, and I'm one of those mommies and I know I have to do better, but it's hard to let them go and at the same time, yes, you could have a good village and they may be, you know, available for a day, a few hours, but when I, when you're asking for three kids for several days, right, that could get a little hectic. We did that before and when I told you it took me about a week just to do it. Itinerary, oh, okay, this auntie is going to come over and pick up at 9 am and then here are their clothes, and then now grandma going to come on the next day. It was a lot, so it's actually more stressful to get away, okay, but we're going to work on that, especially as they get older and now we have a baby coming. So I was like we're starting all over again, right, but when there's a will, there's a way, right.
Speaker 2:What we did recently we went to Jamaica. We took the family and what helps is when you bring another adult along, right, because then you have that opportunity or even, like on a cruise ship, we put them in on the child on site childcare. Okay, until two, three in the morning, and we just had, you know, yeah, we were on the island enjoying ourselves, while they, you know, were being babysat. So there are ways around, especially those moms. I know there's moms out there. I have some friends. They don't think twice. They're dropping them off, they know itinerary or nothing. They say here you go. They got two sets of clothes. Make it work Right Now. See, I do.
Speaker 1:Oh, sorry Go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, that's. You know, I'm going to get there one day, probably when I get tired of them. But, um, but, yeah, that's, that's. That's pretty much. That's pretty much it. We try to find some time here and there, okay, I was going to say.
Speaker 1:I have a friend who, whenever she goes out, what she has started to do is have her family members just come to her house. Is so much easier for them to stay there. Correct? Her kids are older, so it's just like leave them in their element. Yeah, comfort zone. We went grocery shopping here Some extra money. Yeah, don't go anywhere and we'll see you when we get back.
Speaker 2:Correct, so there, and that's what we do here too, and only cause my parents, our parents they're like don't bring them over here to mess up my house that we come into you.
Speaker 1:That is always a concern of mine. If the, the house of the family member is not childproof, just let's just do it over here. I don't have stuff that's that can be broken or anything like that Just do everything over here, because I don't want to go over there and break up your stuff and have accidents and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:So I totally hear you. And then just a tidbit. So my husband and I we started going, we started doing like our date nights and things like that, I'll say within the last three years, and we started with our anniversary and I ended up coming up with a game, because I thought I would be that mom, like what is he doing? Where is he? But I finally had an epiphany like this is nice, I can relax, I don't have to keep like it's too quiet.
Speaker 1:What's going on? Is everything okay? You need something. What you doing, when you going, what's that noise Like? It was just nice to relax and I ended up. I ended up enjoying that like one on one time with just me and my husband. I. I feel like I enjoyed it more than he did. So then the tables kind of turned and he's like did you even check in on our son? Like I wonder what he's doing? Oh, he would love this. Oh, we got to come back.
Speaker 2:Oh, if he was here he would have a blast.
Speaker 1:So I came up with a game and it's like whoever brings up our son or mentions him on like our date night or a one-on-one trip like up, you got to take a shot, oh boy, every time you mention his, his name or what he's doing up. You said it, take a shot up.
Speaker 2:Oh boy, so somebody coming home drunk Right?
Speaker 1:So I just kind of find it ironic, because it is hard to let the reins go and then, when you do, is like, oh, we need to do this more often. It's really nice to recharge, so that's awesome that you have a support system in place to help you do that. So I want to get back to just the listeners, because I'm getting to know you along with the listeners as the show goes on. So how would you describe yourself as a mom?
Speaker 2:So they say I'm mean, but then yet they think I'm the best mom. So I'm trying to really understand how they really view me. But me personally, I think I think I'm a great mom, but I find flaws in me. Okay that they have me notice, if that makes sense. They or my husband helps me. It's never one where I'm realizing oh you know, maybe I should, you know, talk this way or talk that way is more of them saying mommy, why do you? Why do you scream at us when you know you're upset? Or mommy, why do you find yourself doing this? Or you know, mommy, it'll be better if you do it this way. And so when I hear those, that's when I it hits me. I'm like dang, I don't feel like that best mom anymore.
Speaker 2:But what makes a mama good mom is not necessarily your flaws. It's what do you do to change once you hear what's wrong? Because there's moms I literally tell them stop cussing your children out, telling them they're nothing, even though you're upset, and you say that you know, stop telling them that. And they just choose not to do that because that's just how they grew up, right? So that's the difference. Or you could choose to hear what they're saying go about it and find ways to change. And and I've done that, I've done that before, and what I would say, especially with my oldest. She said, mommy, I see the difference, I see the difference. I see that you or they see that I may want to yell and I'll just stop and I'll just woo, saw. And she said, mommy, you're doing good. And I said, yes, baby, I'm, I'm listening, I'm trying to do better. And what I found helps with that too is therapy. Ok, I'm going to be honest, like being married for 13 years, that alone, ok, you get credit. Because marriage isn't, isn't, isn't easy, yes, so when you add three kids, you, you got to check yourself mentally. So even therapy sessions I've done in the past has helped, because whatever I've gone through in the past or past hurts. I don't want that to get on my kids.
Speaker 2:So I know I'm not a perfect mom, but I know I'm a great mom because of what I'm willing to do. I'm always willing to learn new things. I'm always willing to to love on them, to teach them how to be a lady, to to just teach them what I didn't know. Ok, I'm growing up. And just continue to show them love and every good trait that I have shown them is showing out now in them. So that makes me feel like I'm OK. I think I'm doing a good job. But as a mom, I think I'm fun. Ok, half the time they could never take me seriously. I'm you playing too much? I'm just that mom, I'm the, I'm the kissy Lovey-dovey. Come here, baby. They can never say I've never said I love you, don't any day. I mean it's. I'm that type of mom and yeah. So I think I'm a great mom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a balance, but I think I am, and that's the premise behind the name for shitty moms, because we do have those moments where we acknowledge our shortcomings. So when I look at the spelling like shitty with an X instead of an I, I feel like there is a difference. You know, the shitty moms that we're talking about, we're talking about the ones who are actively working towards improving something. You know, no mom is perfect. We acknowledge our flaws, but sometimes acknowledging your flaws that's not enough. Okay, you know there's something that needs improvement. What are you going to do now? What's the next step? We know these things need to be fixed. We know these things are our problems or can potentially lead to problems that we don't want. So what are you? How are you going to going to actively work towards resolving that issue or preventing a problem from happening? And I like to explain to people, because you know everything is up for someone's misinterpretation. You know, once you put something out there on the internet, you give it a name. It's up for anyone's interpretation.
Speaker 1:And I had a little hesitation with the name because I didn't want it to seem like I was encouraging negligent moms. Right, we can joke about it, but I think we're able to joke about some of our behaviors because we do so many other things to not make up for it, but to make sure we are meeting the needs of our children mentally, physically, emotionally. We try to cover all those bases and sometimes that's the part that becomes overwhelming. You cannot meet all of their needs all of the time and typically the moms who genuinely care about it those are the ones who start to beat themselves up about that shortcoming. It may not be a deal breaker with their children, it may not derail their child's lives, but because we set the bar so high, it's really discouraging and sometimes devastating when you don't meet your own expectations.
Speaker 1:So I always try to clarify and explain to people. I am not in any way, shape, form or fashion, trying to encourage any parent to be negligent or abusive or anything like that and making light of it. That's not it at all. I also encourage moms like, look, if you do have some of those tendencies going on, you should definitely seek, like you said, therapy. It helps, it even helps me. I said I'll say with the yelling I have the tendency to be a yeller after.
Speaker 1:I've told you one time like that behavior therapist goes out the window. Because when I come home, guess what? That therapist hat is off. And I consciously take that therapist hat off because I know with my son and in our household I do go above and beyond and I go the extra mile to make sure I've communicated my expectations. Now I am learning how to shape my own behavior because what I think is you know, I look at it as I'm giving you my expectations, I'm giving you the details of what I need you to do as my child, and if you don't meet those expectations, we're going to have a problem, there's going to be a consequence. So in my mind I think I'm going above and beyond to explain what the expectations are. But it may not always translate that way to my 10 year old, right. So now we have some discourse. You know he's kind of tuned out.
Speaker 1:He doesn't even remember the first expectation, let alone the last thing that I told him to do and I'm sure to him it seems like out of the blue. Now she's screaming for no reason. So after a couple of those incidents I'm like, okay, I don't like this about myself, right, as a mom, I don't want to be that yeller, I don't want to be that screamer. But I know I'm yelling because I, in my mind, I've showed you, I've told you, I've helped you, I did, I'm going to do half, you do half. Okay, now you try. Okay, now your turn.
Speaker 1:Okay now you should be able to do this whole thing. But what I learned is for him too much information, too many steps, and he's checked out right. So I have to go back and shape my own behavior, to kind of tweak it to his needs. So in learning that, you know after so many instances of, let's say, the morning routine and if you follow me on social media, I make jokes about it all the time but that morning routine drives me insane.
Speaker 1:I have a 10 year old. I feel like we've been doing this for, let's say, seven years. We've been doing the same routine for seven years. He will wake up tomorrow and act like what am I supposed to do? Like he's never done it before, and it drives me insane. But that was one of the things where I'm like oh, I don't like being this person yelling in the morning, getting frustrated, and not only that, I don't want to ruin his day before he has a chance for it to start. So that was one of the things I had to actively just tell myself like take a breather, do not go in there, don't start barking orders at him.
Speaker 2:Let him figure it out, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so he has like a chart the behavior therapist. I had to put that hat on and do what we call. We call it antecedent strategies, right, but really, we're trying to set our kids up for success. Here are your clothes for the week. This is where your shoes go. I even made like a chart here on all the pictures of everything that you need to do in the morning and I even separate, I categorize the steps.
Speaker 1:This is the stuff you do upstairs before you come downstairs to eat have these things done. When you get downstairs, before you walk out the door, do these things and we'll be fine, like you got these things first, these things last, and we can walk out the door and somehow you'll just see him somewhere and it's going up and down the stairs, up and down the stairs, and I'm like, okay, so you know, with that routine, me again checking myself he hasn't met these expectations.
Speaker 2:You know what?
Speaker 1:Maybe I'm telling him too much. So I kind of backed off and just shifted my what I call checking in and.
Speaker 1:I'll just say, like his nickname, I call him Poppy sometimes. So I'm like Poppy. You good Poppy, what we working on. If he can tell me what he's doing, I'm okay, because maybe he's not doing it in my order. Something may make sense to him. So giving him that leeway to kind of figure out what makes sense to him in the morning. As long as you end up dressed, your hair is done, your face is clean, you have on shoes and socks and clean clothes, I'm okay.
Speaker 1:So I've had to kind of shape my behavior in that way of just changing my expectations, tweaking my expectations just a little. I'm not lowering them, but I'm changing what that looks like so that I don't have to be that screamer, that screaming mom First thing in the morning every single day. So it takes a lot when we talk about four shitty moms. It takes a lot of first self-awareness to even be able to identify something that you need to improve. And I think that only comes from people who are humble and people who are understanding that you know what I can do something better. And that's the whole purpose of the show, because maybe someone listening may have the same struggle and challenge that you're having right now and just listening to how you're working through it, even if you haven't found the perfect solution for it. I don't want people to think, oh, I'm going to listen to this show and it's going to teach me how to be a better parent.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I don't have the answers and it's really trial and error. So that's the whole premise of the show and I just feel like, even though this is our first time talking, you're like hitting everything right on the head with that's the point. So thank you so much for the insight.
Speaker 2:When I was telling my husband about the show.
Speaker 1:He's like I don't know like that name, but I'm like, no, this is. I'm telling you. All moms can identify with those feelings. But you know, you do have some who just you. They can't pick one thing that they could do better. They don't see anything wrong with what they do and and you have people like that and they may be phenomenal moms across the board and kudos to you. But I always tell people like this is the show for that less than perfect mom who understands that, okay, I may be the mom of a young adult and I still have some learning to do, so it's, it's for all moms. So, with that being said, what do you think your, let's say, three biggest challenges are right now as a mom?
Speaker 2:As a mom with three kids, the challenge is taking the time to nurture each one alone. Oh, okay, that's a challenge because, like I said, each one has their own personality, each one has their own learning strategies, each one has their own emotional issues. So if we're always together as a family, it's hard to address each one. And what I found is my, what I do is every. I try to do it more than every month, but every month I will have a girl, mommy, girl date, okay, and my husband tries to do the same with just one of them at a time. That's important. And when I do that, oh my God, the stuff they express, especially the oldest one. She's able to say, mommy, these boys tried to talk to me, or mommy, are my breasts supposed to be like that? Like you get a whole different conversation that she necessarily doesn't want to talk about with her little sisters, or daddy. And my middle one, just you know, she just loves the attention. You already know how, what they say about the middle child. So when, when I go out with her, she's just all over me because she just loves that. She gets to have me to herself. And then, you know, in the little one, you know, she's still learning because she's still asked for her sisters. I said, girl, you're going to appreciate this alone time when you get older. Okay, after a while, you're not going to miss them. So I find that to be a struggle. Another thing is working full time. Coming home, like today, you know, just dinner, homework, this, this one got a project.
Speaker 2:One area that I have not seen to to get really through is the, the extracurricular activities. Okay, I wish, I want to be a gymnastics mom, I want to be a soccer mom, I want to do all of this. But being in school for the last, oh my God, I felt like I've been in school nonstop for all these years. And finally, you know, graduating, taking a breather since May. Now I've dedicated. I say you know what I got to make time, I got to make financial strides to do what I got to do to put them in extracurricular activities, because I felt like I neglected that. You know, I look at all these posts and I see my friends with their kids on gymnastics, the soccer, the football is so cute and I'm like that's what my kids supposed to be doing and I felt like we haven't had the time. So that's one area.
Speaker 2:I, you know I struggle in as a mom, but that that'll get better. But you know, once again, with three of them, when all of them want to go to one wants to do soccer, one wants to do music lessons, one wants to do dance all at five o'clock every day, I don't know. You know that that's, that's the next, you know hurdle to jump over, but that's that's. I think that's my second struggle. My third, I would say as a mom Hmm, I know, I know one because I talk about it every day. I could be better.
Speaker 2:Um, as a mom, you know what? She just told me this today as a mom, I struggle with being confident in front of my kids, believe it or not? Oh, wow, okay, Because they think I'm perfect and what I keep doing is bringing up the things that I'm not perfect into them. So my girls I mean, god bless them, they're, they're, they're like every day. They're like mommy, you're so beautiful, mommy, I just look at your face, look at this. And then here I am like look at my face, look at these bumps, you know, look at this gut, look at this. And they're the one like but mom, we don't, we're not looking at that. So I find myself being in you know what? I've learned what my husband told me.
Speaker 2:I'm like that with other people because I never want people to think that I'm, you know, that I'm perfect. But I struggle with that where, if they say something, I try to like, make it look less than so I'm I'm once again, I'm doing better with that. Even today I she said something. She said mommy, you look so beautiful. I said, but I don't have no makeup on.
Speaker 2:And I was like, oh my God, here I go again. I got to stop that. So I, if, if I'm perfect in their eyes and they love what they see, I just have to just say thank you, because if I keep that trait going, then that's what they're going to do and especially as a girl, I don't want them in that mindset. So I have I definitely know I have to to stop that. But I do struggle with that because I know I'm not perfect and I don't want them to think I'm perfect. But if that's what they think and how they think and there's no other better mom and you know, no one looks better than mommy and I'm over here looking at Beyonce pictures, like, but I was like you know what if they think I'm the best looking mom? I'm just going to take that. So I would say that's my third struggle.
Speaker 1:That's amazing because that lets you know like you're perfect in their eyes, like you're beautiful, you're perfect.
Speaker 1:That is amazing and I can definitely identify with you with that. With my son, I kind of you know talking to him more Some days. I've started to open up with him a little bit more, just so he understands. Like he's getting older and I know that I'm actively working towards my parenting when it comes to him and how I respond to certain things. So just recently, maybe over the summer, I started like, okay, let me, let me give you some insight. When you do this, this is a trigger for me. Okay, it makes me upset, and I started telling him you know different things about my childhood how.
Speaker 1:I grew up and how I want better for him, and I just told him like I really need you to work at these things, because I don't want to be that, that yelling mom, right, because to me, in my eyes, that's a bad mom and I'm trying to be a better mom for you.
Speaker 1:I want to be the best mom for you possible, but I'm not perfect and I need you to meet me halfway If I have certain expectations. I'm never going to ask you to do something that's going to hurt you. I'm not going to ask you to do anything that's going to put you in danger. I'm always going to ask you to do things that are for your best interests and I need you to at least try, even if you can't do it. I need you to make an effort, because when I see that you're not making an effort, when you're being dismissive, that makes me upset. This is important to me because I didn't have this when I was your age. So after that whole spiel, he goes but mom, you're a good mom, you're perfect to me, and I'm like okay, go ahead, you can do whatever you want now, right, Go get your Roblox money.
Speaker 1:So it's awesome. But then at the same time I hearing that from him and he saw that I was sad and he was like no, like you cannot think that you're a bad mom. You are the best mom You're a really good mom You're caring and he just went through the list Like I can't believe. You feel sad and you feel bad and you like he was just like oh my gosh, let me pour into your bucket. What is?
Speaker 2:going on.
Speaker 1:And I appreciated that because I love to see him empathize right.
Speaker 2:But at the same time.
Speaker 1:It was one of those moments. It almost scared me because I was like, oh my gosh, this is how I was as a kid. I didn't see my parents flaws right, I just thought they were perfect. And then, as I got older, I started to recognize those flaws and it was like a gut check, like a reality, like, oh my gosh, my mom isn't perfect.
Speaker 2:I didn't know what to do Like oh my gosh, my dad isn't perfect.
Speaker 1:Like I was blown away and I really struggled as a teenager because it's like my whole world had been turned upside down because in my eyes they were perfect. So I was like, oh my gosh, I can't let him go through that, like he thinks I'm perfect and then I don't want him to resent me later because he's going to figure out I'm not perfect. So I think the first time I use this phrase me and my best friend we've been best friends since like kindergarten. So my son is her son, her kids are my kids, like they're always at each other's house. So my son has this thing if one person can come over, everybody can come over, and if anybody has a problem, like my mom will fix it, she will. Let us do whatever we want to do.
Speaker 1:If anybody has a problem, my mom she can fix it. Just tell her.
Speaker 2:And I'm like wait a minute, guys.
Speaker 1:But my best friend. I see her as the perfect mom. She is always there emotionally for every single moment for her kids Like they really open up to her and they just like. She is that security blanket Even for my son. She is that emotional sponge for them. And when they come over to my house. I'm like wait a minute, this isn't your house Like this is my house. I'm not my best friend, she's like the perfect mom.
Speaker 2:I'm the shitty mom, don't expect that over here I'm not watching y'all, but if I hear a glass break, everybody a time out.
Speaker 1:Lower those expectations. I'm the shitty mom. Don't do that over here. It's not the same Like my best friend is amazing with her kids and with my son and I just don't know how she does it, but she's always constantly pouring into them and I'm just like if I could get half of that.
Speaker 1:I know my son would be okay because emotionally he would be fine. So, part of the show, not only am I putting together different resources and strategies for other moms, but I take note myself Some of the strategies that I hear. I'm like, oh, that's a good idea, that's a good plan, oh, that's how that works. And I feel like, even with my background in behavior therapy, my experience with kids, it's never too late to learn something new. So the challenges that you describe because this is a behavior change podcast and what that means we talk about motherhood, but we talk about it through a lens of behavior therapy and behavior change and basically the premise behind behavior therapy is identifying problematic or target behaviors and then coming up with different strategies to change them, replace them.
Speaker 1:Maybe we can find something that's the equivalent but a little better, to give us the same outcome, or maybe we need to just learn something completely new to tackle those challenges. So thank you, and I just want to point out, because sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit so something that you listed as a challenge a long time with each child. You're already actively working towards changing that behavior with your mommy, girl dates.
Speaker 1:So, the mommy girl date, engaging in that behavior, making sure you set that time aside to do those things with them. That's what we call a replacement behavior. So you're almost you're kind of doing the behavior therapy on yourself, whether you realize it or not?
Speaker 1:Like you've identified. These are my challenges. This is what I'm doing right now, and what you're doing right now is working towards those replacement behaviors, and typically the one thing that keeps us going back to using those replacement behaviors, what makes it more automatic, is that you're getting some type of reinforcement from it, and by reinforcement I mean some kind of reward. You're getting something out of it that's going to increase the chances of you doing that a little bit more in the future and I'm just assuming getting and seeing your girls really open up to you during that one on one time.
Speaker 1:I know for me, if I was in that situation, that would be my reinforcer. Like you, know, what they really need. This. Let me keep it going. Or it could be that you really enjoyed learning something new about your girls that you didn't have a chance to learn before, so that could be your reinforcer as well. Working on the scheduling and the extracurricular sometimes we can't necessarily change our environment at the time to have those replacement behaviors. Now you're in school right now to be a nurse practitioner. Is that what you were saying?
Speaker 2:No, I graduated in May.
Speaker 1:Okay, gotcha. So do you have like another board exam or something like that.
Speaker 2:No, I passed my boards in June. I'm done Like. I'm done with school. Okay, awesome.
Speaker 1:Okay, gotcha. So right now, what's the goal? I'm just curious for the scheduling and the extracurricular.
Speaker 2:So the goal is to find at least one activity for them. I never neglected their interests. Okay, so my middle one she loves soccer. So just because I couldn't put her on a team, I still got her a soccer ball, took her to the store. She chose it. We go to the park during our family times. We kick it around. She goes in the backyard, does that? The little one loves dance. I get her. There's a video game I forgot. Well, you can learn to dances and dance to it and get points, things like that. The oldest one she loves reading and book club and different activities.
Speaker 2:So I still try to keep their interest going, because I never want them to feel that I don't support what they love. So now, at this point, it's just trying to get them into something. So right now it's just really just a matter of finding a good team, checking out the expenses Because, like I said, now I'm hitting some expenses that wasn't there. So just balancing all of that. And then, definitely, this is a new schedule change which I'm ready to tackle on, because if after work I was willing to study two, three hours, I should be willing to sit in a park and watch them. For, whatever the case is Even my middle one.
Speaker 2:She loves to sew. I'm looking for someone to get sewing lessons and things like that, so I'm definitely going to do it. It's just a matter of balancing budget. It's still a conversation that me and my husband have to sit down, and it's a big change. Good stuff, but it is a change. It's not something I could just jump up and do. I would love to say I could, but that's my plan right now is just organizing it all around life and then just going forward with it.
Speaker 1:Right. So I mean, I was going to say I don't know if you listen to the show we only released one episode. But I've been doing like other interviews with moms and it's the moms are just so different, the backgrounds are so different, but they have some great strategies that they used and the shows haven't been released yet. But just because you're in that planning phase out kind of clue you into some of the things that they have. So one of the moms which I thought was like, oh, that was a great idea, she ended up finding teams for her kids. She had, she was a mom of three as well and she said all of the extracurricular activities fell in different seasons.
Speaker 1:So she didn't have to run around, you know, all around for each kid, because this is volleyball season.
Speaker 2:It's around these months.
Speaker 1:This one does this. It's around this month, this one does that. So that's something to consider. And then we interviewed another mom just yesterday and she's like she just makes the trip. She drops when she's dropping one. She's picking up the other. Yeah, when it's time to pick up the other.
Speaker 1:Okay, now let's take the other one and go pick up the first one and I'm like, oh, but you know for her I think she said at one point, when they have the games, she and dad switch up. So dad starts out with this one and then he like goes to the other competition or game and he finishes the game with another one and they kind of switch. So it's interesting to hear how parents are tackling pretty much the same challenges that we're all faced with and it seems like everyone is just getting really creative with how they handle it and I feel I always talk about how it's so different from when we grew up.
Speaker 1:When I grew up, I started out with a two parent household. My parents separated and ended up in a single family home with just my mom and my sister, and life became drastically different. You know it went from having that mom.
Speaker 1:I won't say she was a soccer mom because we played tennis, but she had that mini van and we knew like from this time, this time is tennis. From this time to that time, I think we were on two different teams. We had two different coaches One I'm in South Florida as well, and it was like one was down south, one was up north and we just made that trip every day and once my parents separated, the expectation was still tennis is a year round sport. You need to stay in condition year round. You still need to go to practice every single day. I think the only day I didn't practice was a Saturday, and usually Saturdays are game days. And even when we moved I probably moved when I was like 11 or 12, my mom bought a house and I had to walk.
Speaker 1:I had to walk from my house to downtown because you need to make it to practice. So that's how, but times were drastically different.
Speaker 2:Right, so me walking.
Speaker 1:I used to walk maybe five or six blocks to get, like, from home to tennis practice and then, if I was lucky, my mom would pick me up, or I had to walk to my aunt's house and wait for my mom to pick me up from there. You know, but I had that support system. My mom had that support system. Everyone lived in close proximity. So really, before you knew it, I'm just walking all around town you know every day.
Speaker 1:Got to go here and got to go there. My mom told me to do it. I better get it done, and our kids don't have that anymore. So what you see now is almost like I don't know, a phenomenon in itself, where you have the parents running around doing these things that as kids, when we were children, we did them on our own that was exactly. It was my responsibility to have my changing clothes for practice. Yeah, To make it there on time and get on that tennis court by the time my coach showed up.
Speaker 1:You know, these things are expensive and even even back then, I think, tennis lessons were about $40 an hour. Wow, even way, way back then, and my sister and I not to like to do our own harm, but we were pretty talented, pretty good, so our lessons were free.
Speaker 1:But you better be there on time, you better be ready to play, so it was like that hustle and bustle of really using that time management as a child after school hours to walk around and do what I needed to do, because that was the expectation. And if I was late for practice, you know you better get in those bleachers and run some extra laps because you were late, or I don't want to have to explain to my mom why I got there late. What were you doing to be late in the first place? I didn't want to have that conversation, so I just made sure I was on time. But now all of those responsibilities that we had are now falling on us as parents, because times have changed. We have moved, the villages have gotten smaller, cities have gotten bigger, you know, it's just not the same. So it's interesting to hear how everyone is becoming more resourceful and making sure that their kids are still able to get those experiences.
Speaker 1:But it does seem like it's weighing more heavily on the parents now. So, that's interesting to hear. So we've gone through. Okay, I forgot. So this is probably the most interesting, most fun question and it's all fun, it's all love here, and I just asked for like transparency. But thinking about your experience with parenting, your experience and how things are going with motherhood, etc. Can you think of your most recent shitty mom experience that you've had?
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, I think it was just last week with the older one. I think I heard half of a conversation or something. I don't know if it's something. Okay, I think I was on a phone with her after school and she put me on mute and I'm like hello, hello, hello. I didn't mean, I didn't know at the time, I was on mute and I'm just screaming hello, hello, hello. And then finally I just hung up and I called her back and she said hello, and I'm like what's going on? You just went blank and she said well, it was these three boys that were trying to ask me do I think they're attractive? And they're trying to hook me up with their friend? And I didn't even let her finish and I was like you put me on mute for that and, if anything, I should be listening. I need to hear what did they say, what did they? And she, I just went off and I was upset and I was like I'll see you when you get home, because that wasn't cool. And I said, matter of fact, I might just take your phone away.
Speaker 2:And when finally she got home, and she was just sad and she was like mommy, I'm sorry, but I really need to explain this to you and I'm like, okay, and she was like, well, first of all she said I didn't want to be. I felt she was saying, I felt like I didn't want to be disrespectful, you know, by to them. You know here I'm thinking selfishly as her mom, but she said she didn't want to be disrespectful and be on the phone as they were talking to her and she felt that at the moment she can handle herself and she knew what to say and she knows how to handle these situations and that I've taught her well. And she told me her response to them and she just it was just so mature and she was like what you know, she said, yes, I should have told you hold on before mute. But she said that's the only mistake that I made and I was like like she just shut me up and I I wanted to respond back. Just be like, excuse me, who you think you're talking to, just because. But when I thought about it, I was like she's right. And if I just try to defend myself, like I find most parents doing right away, just because they got their feelings hurt when, truly, their child is telling the truth, I was like you know what I said. You're right, you're right.
Speaker 2:She said you didn't even let me finish, mom, and that she said I cried. She said I cried going home because I didn't want you to be upset. She said I just wanted you to know that. You taught me about boys. I know how to respond. I wasn't disrespectful to them. I didn't tell them, leave me alone, I just kindly, you know, answered them in this manner.
Speaker 2:And she said I thought you would be proud. And when I say I cried, oh my God. And I was like, oh my God, baby, I am so proud of you, I know you're mature. And she said I can handle this, mom, I don't want you to think I didn't need you on the phone so you could put your input. I know what to do. And I'm like and you're so right and I'm just so sorry for doubting you.
Speaker 2:And then I'm crying in her arms and she crying back. You know we both just crying. My husband is looking at us like oh my God, I got a house full of girls and it was a really come. It was a come to Jesus moment for both of us, right? Um, because for me to express that and she saw me crying like that's how hurt I was. I think that made as much of a difference that it did to me Because, like I said it our response to that could have just been like well, next time just make sure I'm on the phone, and you know. And it could have just been that.
Speaker 2:Yeah you could have been Right, but I was willing to listen, I was willing to apologize, and it hurt so bad. She was able to see me express that, so, but, oh my God, that made me feel so bad.
Speaker 1:Doesn't it make you feel good to know what you are pouring into her, like she? Was taking it in. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:I was so proud. She said, mom, you told me don't cut snow boys out and don't tell it, and cause that's how I grew up. My mom was like, if anything, it's a compliment when you know they try to, you know when they're interested or whatnot, and it's rude to just be like you know how we grew up. Yeah, you know, boy, leave me alone, don't talk to me with your ugly something. Though I don't want her to be like that. And she handled it well.
Speaker 1:And it's dangerous. Now you hear a lot of things in the news. It is, you cannot, it is, it's unfortunate, but you definitely have to teach your girls, even if some, and even your boys, if somebody has wronged you, if somebody is wronged sometimes you got to bow out gracefully, kill them with kindness, be respectful and walk away, because you might be that might be the straw that broke the camel's back. If you have a more negative response, so, that's awesome that you're teaching her that, Because right now you can never be too careful.
Speaker 1:You can never be too safe. So that's awesome that not only did she hear you, but she knows when to use it. So that's amazing. Yep, I would have melted as well.
Speaker 2:Thanks for sharing that. Oh my god, I don't even want to think about it anymore, doesn't that break?
Speaker 1:in my heart, but I would have been so proud. Look, I'm proud for you. Like that is good parenting.
Speaker 2:Like that is good parenting.
Speaker 1:So you've already gone over some of the things that you're actively working towards, and usually I cover that, but I feel like we've covered it already. So what are some of the rewards that you've been experiencing? Because I don't want this to be. Sometimes I'm a part of different mom groups and usually those mom groups easily turn into a venting session and I like to focus on conversations that are honest but productive, right, and not just negative all the time, because if motherhood was so horrible, we wouldn't be here again and again and again and constantly wrecking our brains to come up with different experiences, better experiences, like there are some joys to motherhood, right.
Speaker 1:So I want to hear from you personally what are some of the rewards that you have experienced in motherhood?
Speaker 2:Oh, being told how beautiful and how great I am every day. It's like a recorder, I mean. Every day, every morning, every night they're on it and it's like no one's forcing them. That is just violent. I mean some people think they need a man for that and just to have my kids just reinforce it. I think I know well I'd be saying God be doing funny stuff. But I think God knows how I am on myself and how I'm harsh on myself and how I don't like certain things about the way I look. And he just happened to give me girls who love everything about me and they continually say it. So just having them say I love you and you're beautiful, and just hearing that alone, and then, like I mentioned about the last example, hearing or seeing that they're actually learning from what you're teaching them, that's a reward, because I mean, I think it's an honor to be able to not just have children but to raise them right. That's a whole other arena right there and I love that.
Speaker 2:I feel like I'm fortunate to nurture the next generation of just, smart, beautiful, respectful, wealthy, like just. I feel like I'm raising the whole generation, or my children are going to be part of that next era of a certain class and not to put race in this, but we Black so that has to. It's kind of like it's even more pressure Just to be the best out there. But that is so fortunate. Just to see everything you pour into them and what they develop to be and knowing that, oh my god, that one day they're going to have their families, One day they're going to have kids. So it's almost like I've seen teachers who've known kids over years and they grow up and see these kids become presidents and councilmen and mayors and NFL players, and it's that same type of feeling. You know that you played a part in something so great, so I think that's a great benefit of motherhood.
Speaker 2:And let me not forget when I'm upstairs and I need me a cup of water, I love it. Right now, my 11 year old is baking the cake, so by the time we're done, I'm going to eat me some lemon cake. Yes, so I'm not going to push back that. You told me to be real. Look at here, when you need that remote and you don't want to get up, I'm telling you when I need something in the car. And I got to listen, listen. So you got to use some little helpers at the same time, and it's not to say they're slaves, but at the same time we're teaching them to be responsible too. It teaches them responsibility in that way. But, yeah, I think motherhood is great, right, it's beautiful, and everyone has that motherhood in them.
Speaker 2:I don't think motherhood counts as how many kids you were able to pop out your vagina or it's so much more to that Motherhood could be. Like you said, someone in your village I have close friends who are not able to have children or who've had his directives, but the motherhood in them, the nurturing, what they have to instill in my kids, that means just as much. So I mean, motherhood to me is like a trait, a characteristic of someone, and not necessarily means that you've had them. Like I said, even the mothers who have adopted, that doesn't make them any less than so. I'm just, I don't know, just being on this show and just now, as I'm talking about myself, I'm thinking about all the other moms who are out there. I mean kudos, kudos, kudos to them. It's not easy and I'm just proud to be a mom and I'm proud to see everyone out there who is putting that motherhood hat on Right and we're raising the next generation. I love it.
Speaker 1:Right. Motherhood is definitely what I call a sorority in itself. Whether you realize it or not, like you, are part of a sisterhood and sometimes you need those outside influences because maybe they connect with your child in a different way. Like even if you have a great connection with your kid guess what.
Speaker 1:Somebody may invoke something else and then that you didn't know before. So it's nice to have that support system and that trust. I feel like that's where my village comes into play. I am surrounded by so many other people who can tap into different interests of my son that we couldn't tap into the same way.
Speaker 1:For instance, I love to garden, my son loves to garden, but when he goes to my best friend's house, when their family will do gardening and things like that, well, they're more experimental. So whereas I'm like, ok, what's the temperature, let's test the soil, I was a science teacher.
Speaker 1:So when I do my gardening, between what I learned from my grandmother and what I know as a science teacher, I'm like oh no, we're going to plant this right here, because the sun is the brightest at this angle and this time, and this, this, this, this, this, and we are going to harvest some fruits and veggies and all this stuff. And when he goes to my best friend's house. I think one day I went to pick him up and he was all. He was starting to break out, like all around his hands his mouth, his face and I'm like what are you doing?
Speaker 1:And he's like oh, we just put a bunch of seeds. Like for the summertime it was during COVID we had extra time and they just threw a bunch of seeds into like a bucket outside and put some dirt in there and a whole bunch of other stuff, and then I guess they learned about composting. So now they're like, oh, let's go get some trash.
Speaker 2:Let's go get some banana peels.
Speaker 1:Let's go get some, because it's going to make it grow better and by the end of the summer I'm like, well, what's grown out of that bucket?
Speaker 1:And they're like we don't know, we just we just been planting it and watering it, and they are more exploratory with their gardening because I don't know what was growing. I don't know if they made a new fruit, I don't know what it was, but he had a blast and I'm like, well, it looks like you're breaking out and come to find out. I think they put like the skin of a mango in there as well. And then we found out later on he was allergic to mangoes and he's like that's why you're breaking out all over the place, but you have fun.
Speaker 1:He had a blast, so it was just nice to see that gardening really, really piqued his interest when the scientific approach didn't work for us.
Speaker 1:He was interested, we had fun doing it, but we didn't have that much fun with him coming all itchy and swollen so it was just not like I didn't even mind because he had so much fun. And it's nice to see that different people in our village can kind of pull those things out of our kids for us. So what keeps you going and what keeps you motivated with all of the challenges that you face? What makes you say, OK, I'm going to tackle these challenges regardless?
Speaker 2:Hmm, what keeps me going? What keeps me motivated? Definitely I have to give credit to God if it wasn't for my spiritual life, just to be mentally there for my kids and I'm teaching them too about walking in godly ways and then also just the I don't know. I think, at the end of the day, when you know you can't return them and they're just, you just got them, you got to push forward, you got to figure it out. I mean there is no giving up. I mean we have our burnout seasons. I can say that and we're just frustrating. And at that time you recognize that Maybe get away curls, trip something and then get yourself together and let's get back and keep going. I think those seasons will come now and then, but I mean I never even thought about just quitting or I'm done. I mean all I could think about.
Speaker 2:I think the way I am mentally is always how can I do better? And I think that's why I'm always hard on myself, because I could probably be doing something at a high expectation expectation and I still feel like I haven't done enough. So I find myself always being able to push myself. I think also too, because what I see lack, if I see lack in my girls in different areas, whether it's emotional, educational, then I feel like my job isn't done. So I'm always looking for ways to improve as a mom and just keep it going. Yeah, stopping is not an option. It doesn't stop Even when they're grown and they're going to be calling me and say, mom, how you do this again, how much bleach you put in this. Mom, I got to make this what I have to do again. So it almost never stops. So I can't even say, oh, I can't wait till they get out the house, it doesn't stop. So I'm in this for the long haul, I'm in this till I die.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that attitude.
Speaker 1:And then what so? With that being said, what advice about motherhood do you wish you had received a lot sooner.
Speaker 2:That motherhood didn't mean just a mom, like people look at motherhood as someone who feeds the child, who dresses the child, who provides for the child. But I didn't realize I would have to be a teacher, a coach, a counselor, a pastor. I mean I feel like I wear so many hats just being a mom alone. There are so many aspects to life with these children and I wish I knew I had to be there in all these areas for them. Now, as I grow older, I notice that I don't have the answers for all those areas and I'm learning that you know what. They do good when they go to Auntie, because Auntie knows how to talk them through situations. They do good when they go over here. So I'm learning they could still receive those aspects in life and it doesn't necessarily have to come through me, but it hit me hard. It hit me hard. I felt like, oh my god, I just fed you, I just clothed you. Now you're dealing with emotional issues because your friend called you a black girl.
Speaker 2:Like so many things in life, the politics that's going on around life, that alone it's just. I wish. Yeah, like I said, growing up thinking I'm going to be a mom, I just you know how you pictured you. I got my baby and you know this and that, but it's so much more. It's so much more that's involved, yeah, you have to wear so many other hats. So I wish I knew that earlier. But guess what? I'm learning it now, right, and I think the biggest thing is I had to come to terms and say you know what? I can't be all of this, yeah, and I just have to know how to provide that to them some way somehow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's the one thing. Since I've started doing the interviews, I've been hearing that a lot and I think that's one of the struggles that I deal with, and I call it shitty mom syndrome, where you just feel like you're constantly missing out on opportunities to be the best mom that you thought you were going to be. But it's like for me, I just I don't know motherhood. I just knew I was going to be the best mom. This was going to be so great. This is one thing that I can do. And for me it was just like a slap in the face, like this is hard, this is hard too, and this is hard. Why is everything so difficult? Like when does it get easy? This is not funny anymore, what's happening. But then I also realized if I didn't like it, it's my responsibility to change it.
Speaker 1:I can't keep going on the trajectory that I was on. I couldn't keep moving on that path, because guess what? My child is going to be the end result of that right. So when am I pouring into him? And if I'm not enjoying it, he possibly like there's no way he can be enjoying it. And this is about him. So those are the things that keep me going, keep me motivated, and I'm always looking to do better. So what was the best advice that someone gave you about motherhood?
Speaker 2:That was it what I just said. You can't be everything. I used to drive myself crazy, stressed, and I'm like now it's this and now it's this problem. And now is this, the teacher's calling me, saying they have this problem learning this way. And I'm like, and someone finally told me that, like, if you try to be that and they see mothers literally go through burnout and then they turn into depression, yeah, absolutely. And they said you're gonna, you're gonna put yourself in depression if you keep thinking this and Going about it this way. And that's when I learned that, yes, they're gonna have needs and yes, there are resources. There's your village, there's all types of of, there are all types of the ways to Accomplish their needs. And it doesn't all have to come from me, because I did feel bad that I couldn't Supply that, because I felt like that's my job. You know, I'm supposed to be able to do this, or I'm supposed to be able to know how to do this math problem. I got this new math, oh my god. So, like, oh my god.
Speaker 2:But you know I said no, I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna go give me a little tutor work with them, and and that was the best advice is just that you can't do everything, but just but you can supply them with all their needs, but it doesn't necessarily all come from you.
Speaker 1:Right, absolutely, and I will say that was probably the best, best advice, the best advice that I've received. A friend of mine Made like a PSA for moms and she was like, if you can outsource it, do that. And it just resonated with me because at the time, like most of the listeners know, most of my friends know, I started out in education with a very modest teaching salary before I entered the the field of behavior therapy. So I Started looking at it like I can't outsource things. But then I started asking myself, okay, what can I take off my plate? And then it started with these simplest thing.
Speaker 1:I'm not sweeping the floor anymore, we're getting a robot. Yeah, I will save up.
Speaker 2:I will pinch.
Speaker 1:Because it just takes so much time out of your day just doing that every day. But what are your, your options? And I think you said something really important that when you keep Missing and feeling like you're failing at what you're doing, you know that shitty mom syndrome. Will turn into Depression, and I think I was headed down that path because you're just Down on yourself constantly, because you're missing out on. Okay, I thought I was gonna do this and yes, oh my gosh, I didn't do that and I'm a shitty mom, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:I didn't do this, I was supposed to do this, or this was terrible, this, and Before you know it, you get caught in that cycle and I think at one point in life I did get stuck in that cycle of I'm just doing everything wrong. This is terrible. And then when I saw that post, I'm like you know what? I Can't do everything and that's why I'm failing at everything, because you shouldn't be doing everything, so even something as simple as Sweeping the floor every day, because I can't stand dirty feet.
Speaker 1:I can't stand stuff on the bottom of my feet. So I pinched my pennies and I saved from that little teacher pay check. And come Black Friday, oh, I'm getting a robot to clean my floor. And what I tell you? This robot was like golden the whole family would be like, okay, the robot is clean, like clear a floor.
Speaker 1:The robot, like it just felt like a weight was lifted because I took One thing off of my plate and that one thing was the floor, right, so it started me thinking like, okay, what else? What else can I take off my plate? Something like the grocery shopping?
Speaker 1:Okay, let me factor that into the budget, because I go to the grocery store like every other day. How much time do I waste? Yeah, at the grocery store. Okay, I'm not doing that anymore. I started making my list. I save up my money and get my little $99 ship membership for the year.
Speaker 2:Yep at your door.
Speaker 1:Saturday morning. My groceries are there by 8 am. Like those are things now. I'm not so stressed out with how am. I gonna get this done and go grocery shopping.
Speaker 2:How am?
Speaker 1:I gonna get this done and make sure the house is clean. I you know you do have to to find a way and, like you said, you are Building a generation of girls who are black, who are wealthy. But I don't want to discount any moms who can't do these things, so I always try to let moms know like look, I am not staying for all moms to go out there and Do these things and put yourself in a predicament where you are living Beyond your means trying to keep up, because these things cost money and you do have to become resourceful, they like, unless you have it like that, and Some of my friends they have it like that.
Speaker 2:They don't have to think twice and then I don't have it like that Right, and then I have other friends who you know.
Speaker 1:I have a friend right now who's teaching me how to budget, and she's got me to the point. I will budget down to the very last dollar that I have in that account. Yeah, dollar has a job. Yeah, and I've been working on that. My goal for this year was to work on the finances, like where's your money going? Why are you? Coming up short? Why does it feel like you live in paycheck to paycheck?
Speaker 1:Why does your savings look like that and you know I kind of make jokes. I have some friends who work two and three jobs. Some work for, some have a life and I'm like you know what I might when they say multiple streams of income.
Speaker 2:You know, what?
Speaker 1:if you want to do these things, then guess what? You need to bring in some more money. Yeah, if you want to lighten your load, you're gonna have to pull in some more money so you can do those things. So I don't want any moms to, and I say this because when I was a new teacher, when I was a new teacher, that's when I had my son. And, just to give you some insight, I started teaching when I graduated from the University of Florida in Gainesville and I was just so happy because I landed my first job With my bachelor's degree, making twenty three thousand dollars a year as a teacher and I was so proud.
Speaker 1:And then I moved back down to Palm Beach because a friend of mine was like, oh, if you teach in Palm Beach County you'll make 37 thousand dollars a year. And I'm like, oh, I gotta go. So you know, and that was before taxes take, we're taking out. So you know, once you you throw a kid into that because I moved down here and then I found out I was pregnant, so now 37,000 was great as like a new graduate with no kids, no car payment, no financial responsibility.
Speaker 1:But those things start to shift as you get more responsibility. So I like to always come up with different solutions For moms, like based on different budgets. Right, so, when I couldn't afford that robot, in the meantime it was teaching my son. Hey, on these days I just want you to sweep this area right here. Maybe you sweep the steps. Any little thing to help lighten my load was like a relief until Financially, I could do something different. So I just love Having different guests on the show talk about different strategies, different challenges, because my hope is that any mom that's listening or any dad, because a lot of the times my husband he's the producer of the show and he kind of checks in to make sure, like the video, the sound quality, all of that stuff is in check. But Later on in the week I can hear us revisiting the conversations, or I or I will hear.
Speaker 1:Recently I heard him revisiting some of the dialogue from the interviews that we had, because it's giving him more insight as A husband and he's telling his other friends who are husbands like no, they talked about this and I didn't even know that and they, they said this and I had no clue. And you know. To us we just deal with it every day. But once we start having a dialogue now, that opens the door for other People to listen in and then they find out how they can lighten the load and help out.
Speaker 2:I, because I feel like at the end of the day, they're gonna appreciate and be like wow, how can I lighten the load?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. Yeah so definitely. Thank you so much for starters for joining, but also Share this with any other moms, husbands, family members Hopefully they don't get to hung up on the name.
Speaker 2:But, it's.
Speaker 1:It's definitely More to it than just a name, right? So I I definitely Want you to share. I want you to continue to listen to the show. If you've never heard the show, please go on YouTube, listen to the first episode. It's amazing and I really hope you keep tuning in so you can pick up different nuggets of like information from different moms. And for the moms who will be tuning into this episode Did you want to leave any contact information, like did you want to self promote or if anyone wanted to reach out to you? Did you want to share that information or not? You don't have to, is totally up to you.
Speaker 2:Right now I have everything Private, okay, but I mean, if it's something that I don't want to be in a position where I block myself off so much, where someone needs to hear something that could possibly change their life, okay, Um, I would like, if possibly, you could connect me with them. I think that'll be great, but I don't have anything that's just out in open. Definitely an email. I could definitely share email. Okay, um, it's virtuous woman 87 at yahoocom. So virtuous V I R T you, oh us woman WOM a n 87 at yahoocom.
Speaker 1:Alright, thank you so much. There, you guys have it. Thank you again. This was so much fun. I was a little nervous because this is my first time meeting you, but this was awesome, so thank you so much for giving us some insight and sharing your time with me, and I look forward to getting this out there and Hopefully you enjoy the final product and what you hear.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you. It was a pleasure and I love what you're doing and I really feel like this is gonna make a difference with the moms out there. So kudos to you and your podcast Wish you all the best of luck.
Speaker 1:All right, thank you have a good one. Thank you too. Hey everyone, it's your favorite BCB AD here, dr Deloren, and I'm here to ask you to help us Continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting wwwforshittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at ForshittyMoms and that's shitty. With an X, not an I.