Episode 7: Empowerment in Childbirth and Education with Simone Renee Colbert

When Simone Renee Colbert first embraced motherhood, little did she know it would lead her to the bustling streets of New York City and a life devoted to empowering women as a doula. As she shares her transformative journey, we're reminded that sometimes the most profound callings emerge from life’s unexpected twists. Simone's infectious energy will captivate you as she recounts how her own experiences during childbirth propelled her to become an advocate for birthing choices, especially among Black women, highlighting the undeniable strength in informed and supported deliveries.

The staggering maternal mortality rates among women of color are a chilling reality that cannot be ignored. In our heart-to-heart with Simone, we confront the sobering statistics and personal narratives that underscore the urgency of self-advocacy and the value of having a doula or midwife present during childbirth. Her poignant tales of postpartum challenges serve as a powerful reminder of the stakes involved and the difference that knowledge and compassionate care can make in creating safer birthing environments.

Beyond birth, Simone's journey spills into the realm of education, where she confronts the institutionalized racism that many Black children face. Through her eyes, we examine alternative educational paths that challenge the status quo and offer a culturally rich and supportive learning environment for her children. Simone's embracing of homeschooling and the pursuit of academic excellence, despite the trials faced, is a riveting narrative that redefines success and resilience in the face of adversity. Join us as we celebrate her story — a beacon of inspiration for parents and educators alike, advocating for change and a better future for all our children.

⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Discovering Doula Support in Motherhood
14:36 - Empowering Black Women Through Birthing Choices
20:59 - Maternal Mortality and Advocacy
31:51 - Creating Community in Nontraditional Education
48:29 - Navigating Institutionalized Racism in Education
59:15 - Academic Success and Struggles

A Podcast for the less than perfect mom!"

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➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralalliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmomatgmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. Alright, everyone, and thank you for tuning in to another episode of FSM For Shitty Moms. I'm your host, delorean, and today we have a super special guest Again from my hometown, but she's gonna give us a little information, a little background information, about where she is right now, because we're not in our hometown together. This is one of our remote interviews, but I'm going to hand it over without any further ado. Our special guest, go ahead and introduce yourself, say hello to everyone and welcome to the show.

Speaker 2: 1:34

Hey, yes, from Delray Beach, florida, in the house. My name is Simone Renee Colbert. I currently reside in Brooklyn, new York, but I'm always working for you. Always they hear me open my mouth and they're like you're not from here and I'm like, nope, but I've been here for 11 years and I'm a doula birthed and postpartum doula here in Brooklyn, and I'm a mama and all that good stuff, absolutely so usually when I start the show, something new that I've been doing is just been giving the listeners insight as to how these interviews come about.

Speaker 1: 2:15

So my husband, he's like the show producer and we just kind of go back and forth with, like my wish list right, I have like a show interview hit list or wish list, who do I want on the show in the perfect world? And when we came across your name, he's like, okay, you got to give me some background, like who is Simone? What's going on, what's her story? And I'm like, well, if I could, I always categorize my moms, right. I'm like, okay, this mom falls into this category. And I'm like Simone is like my free spirit mom. Like if I could just channel that free spirit, that fun, loving energy, like positivity. Sometimes, when you like go live or post your reels, I'll like watch it in the morning. I'm like, okay, that's how I need to start my day, like, thank you for that.

Speaker 2: 3:09

I love that. I love that. I really just be having a good time. Something's on my heart. You know what? That is hilarious. Let me post that I need my son dancing and he will hop in. He's like mommy, I'm with it.

Speaker 1: 3:21

Right, I've seen like the car rides. I'm like okay, it's like a whole vibe, like everything that you have going on, whether you're doing your doula, mommy stuff Sometimes I'll see you like at carnival than other times I like see you and your son together doing like all types of just fun things. So give us a little bit of background. So, just for the listeners at least. Simone and I went to middle school together. That's how we met in our hometown, delray Beach, florida. But you're not in Delray anymore, so give us some insight. Like where are you now? How'd you get there? Give us the readers digest version.

Speaker 2: 4:12

That is a great question, Lori. You know what's so funny? We had a class Miss Willingham taught like a careers class in middle school you remember that class? Yeah, she had us right. Where do you see yourself as an adult? And I remember I wrote I will be living in New York City and I'm going to be a dancer. I've always loved dance and it's so interesting how powerful the tongue is, because I kind of meant it Fisted there in a way yeah middle school.

Speaker 2: 4:43

So here I am, so many years later and I live in Brooklyn. Yes, I've been here, like I said, for 11 years, and how I got here was actually motherhood, okay. After middle school, my family moved to Atlanta and I went to high school and college there Shout out to Stelman College. I went to Stelman in Atlanta and that's actually where I became a mama. I had a spell house baby my junior year, okay, and I really needed to ground myself and kind of start over, and my family had moved to Brooklyn while I was in Atlanta and this is where I ended up, I came to New York to kind of start a new and fast forward a little more for my second birth.

Speaker 2: 5:37

I had a doula for that first and I was like, whoa, this is amazing, every woman needs this type of support and I kind of never left my doula alone. She's actually my mentor now. But, yes, that's how I ended up here and in that work and I love it. I do go home as often as I can, hit the beach with my family, but this is this is my second home now and it's been quite a journey because, I'm not gonna lie, I'm one of those stories I came here to start over, but it was a struggle in the beginning. I literally came with two suitcases, my oldest son on my head like mama, help me please.

Speaker 1: 6:21

But it's like that sometimes, sometimes is is beauty in all of those transitions. Even though you don't see it at the moment, it's kind of like when you can look back Okay, this transition set me up for this, that transition set me up and you know, that kind of becomes your story and I see you doing some amazing things where you are with other moms. It's. I think it's amazing. I'm like dang, I wish you lived here, like I wish that's something that I had when I was pregnant and going through everything with my son during that pregnancy. It would have been so nice to just have that, but I feel like it was just becoming like popular and hospitals, at least down here, it's kind of like on the fence. I know, with insurance, like that was a hassle.

Speaker 1: 7:16

Just the back and forth and I think when I was pregnant the closest thing that we may have had was like a birthing center. But then at the time my OBGYN was like, oh, absolutely not. If you go that route, you know he's completely hands off. So it seems like now people are more open. I hear a lot even some of my closest friends like they have multiples right. So our oldest kids, their oldest kids because I only have one we kind of had the same shared experiences. But by the time they had their second and their third I was like, oh, the doula was in the hospital with me the whole time. Oh, I had this, oh, I had that, and I'm like that is so nice, like I wish I had those same opportunities. So next time around, whenever that is, I'm like, oh, I'm going to plan a little bit better and like, just ask those questions ahead of time so you can have that support Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 8:20

When I was having my son, I probably found out I think we have five weeks left in the pregnancy I had spinal surgery and they told me While you were pregnant Well, no, I had it before, okay, but no one had ever asked.

Speaker 1: 8:36

I didn't think to say anything about it. And then when we did like the tour of the hospital, like you're going to go here to deliver, the anesthesiologist was like, oh, have you had any surgeries? And I'm like, well, I had spinal surgery, like in middle school, but it was so long ago I didn't think anything of. And they're like, oh, well, we're going to try to get in there, talking about my epidural oh, do you know what kind of rods? No, I was in middle school. Do you know if, like how much of your spine is fused? I don't know, it was like a million years ago. And then once they kind of took a look, like I had gotten in a car accident, the kind of MRI or x-ray that they told you could kind of see the rods in my back. And she's like, well, I'm going to try to get in there. And I'm like, try with my spine.

Speaker 2: 9:29

We don't test the nothing out on my back.

Speaker 1: 9:32

So that's how I discovered like doulas and all of that, because I was gun whole like numb me up, I don't want to feel anything with childbirth, like I'm already young, terrified. You can't really talk to like the older generation about what to expect because things are so different. Like my mom, she was terrified because she was like, look, if you don't do it, naturally they're probably going to have to put you to sleep. And I'm like through the birds. And she was like, well, that's how they did it. You know, that's the old school way they put you under regular anesthesia and they do what they have to do. I'm like, oh, okay. So I talked to a few other moms and they're like, oh, yeah, if they had like a C-section or something like that, they woke up after the fact. So a lot of the older moms that I talked to, if they had a C-section or something, it was like, oh, I don't even remember what happened or what went on. So I was like, okay, all right, no epidural. Then with the doula situation, it was too close to my uh, my due date, so that was like, uh, out of the question for the birthing center.

Speaker 1: 10:46

So I just got a bunch of books. I went in a panic mode and I started studying with my husband and like I was like you're going to have to be my doula. I remember writing on a piece of paper like worst case scenario, if this happens, do this. If it like, we went through the book with a highlighter, got a spiral notebook and I'm like honey, if they say something like this, flip to this page, tell them to do this. Like if, for whatever reason, I can't advocate for myself, you're going to have to remember what I'm telling you and you're going to have to do this. So we did like a crash course. I think I found like what is it? Hip, hip, no babies, or something like that, something like that. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like all right. And then we got books on, like the pressure points. So I'm like okay, during a contraction, you're supposed to write.

Speaker 2: 11:37

You're doing some good research. I was scared. That's amazing, and I commend you. Because, let's say, a woman is not able to access the doula Right the mo. The most powerful thing that she can do is what you did Educate yourself, take classes, get books, make sure that your support person is as knowledgeable as can be and you did that. You kind of you made a duo out of your husband.

Speaker 1: 12:07

I did, I did and we did we did a natural birth.

Speaker 1: 12:12

So I was awake through it. Like I just told the anesthesiologist like thank you, but no, we're not even going to try. I appreciate you trying with the epidural, but I don't want anybody trying. It sounds like she was just going to try to get in there and poke and poke and poke until she was able to and I'm like no thanks. But he was great. Like once I started freaking out because I didn't expect to have my son. He came like a week or two early and I didn't expect. I guess I forgot, I didn't think I was in labor, but I was already in labor. So it was kind of too late for an epidural anyway. And they're like girl you having contractions. I had no clue because you don't know what to it, you don't know what, you don't know Right.

Speaker 2: 12:59

Yeah, the first time around. It's, it's, it's something.

Speaker 1: 13:02

Yeah, right. So I was like, uh, I wish I could have had, like I had student nurses in the room and that was like a free for all, like legs spread eagle, and they're like, oh, we've never seen a birth, can we please watch it?

Speaker 2: 13:19

I'm like that's something for your next birth plan to, and I tell my families that all the time look, if you don't want students and all of that in the room, let them know. No, um, and the truth is, black women have been used as guinea pigs since the beginning of time. So we have the right to now say you know, I don't want any students and, like you said, you will not be testing out. You know your skills on my bag. You know that's not how we're going to do that.

Speaker 1: 13:48

Yeah, I just wish I knew cause it was. I only knew like certain things and I knew, like I don't want to play around with my spine, so that's a no. And then everything else. I'm like telling my husband look, they're going to look to you, they're not going to ask my mom questions, cause I know, you know my mom and my sister, they will advocate, but my sister she's a nurse, but she was on the West coast, in Tampa. So if somebody has to make a judgment call or if somebody has to do something, like they're looking at you. So that was just an experience for all of us. But I'm just like how nice would it have been to just have that extra person Like, nope, we're going to try this, nope, we're going to do this. And luckily I was blessed.

Speaker 1: 14:38

Um, my OBGYN. He was totally cool. He was like it's your first kid, you know what the best thing for you to do go get some sleep. And he was like you're not having this baby right now, cause my son had like stopped, everything had stalled, and he's like you're not having this baby right now. You could do whatever you want. I had yoga balls, I had essential oils and electric candles and I'm like I'm going to get them to move.

Speaker 1: 15:06

I think at one point he flipped and it was like, oh, we can't do a breach birth. And I'm like, oh God, so we did the walking and the ball and the rolling and then he was just like you can do whatever you want to do. I'm going home, I'm going to sleep. It was probably like six o'clock in the evening and he was like I'll see you at four am and we'll see where we are and if you have the baby, or the baby starts moving again, or whatever, like they'll call me. Do like deuces. And he just left us, like to do whatever we wanted to do whatever we wanted to do, and I fell in love with that, yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:42

You got to show him out. I love that Dr Ricardo Aguirre, he was awesome at.

Speaker 2: 15:47

But there's the show him out, because we need black women to go to doctors like that, right, like that'll say you know what? I want you to labor at home as long as you can. Sometimes we get in these hospitals too early and, like you said, things slow down. Things may stall a little bit, which is, you know, it happens sometimes, but some of these facilities are cut happy. They want to, you know, immediately take you for a C-section or have you go through this, you know, long induction. That can definitely be prevented. So that's awesome. Shout him out, yeah.

Speaker 1: 16:23

Yeah, Shout out to Dr Gary. So how did you get introduced? Was it just through? Like because I know you're very naturalistic homeopathic, like I see that in everything you do. So how did you? Did you learn about a doula? And I'm like, oh, this was great, I want to try it. Like, how did your journey happen exactly?

Speaker 2: 16:45

So for my first birth I actually did not have a doula. I got pregnant my junior year in college and everything was. I was 21 years old. You know I was struggling, lori, to be honest, because you don't see your child to college to have a baby. You, you think your child to college to get a degree. So there was so many emotions. When I look back, I wish I had of me, so that I could have walked through that pregnancy confidently.

Speaker 2: 17:16

I felt I was feeling a lot of shame, but one thing I knew was that I wanted to make sure our birth is naturally as I could, and it wasn't until about 34, 35 weeks that I switched over to a midwife that you know prayerfully was was walking distance from my home in Atlanta and I started seeing her and she introduced me to the idea of a water birth and I was just doing some research.

Speaker 2: 17:44

Like I said, I didn't have a doula, but I knew that I didn't want to be stressed, because I was already stressed enough. I felt like my support system was lacking. My family wasn't in Atlanta with me. So there were so many things surrounding that pregnancy, but I'm thankful that I listened to myself and said, okay, no, we're going to go to admit life. So I had a water birth for my first son. I was in labor for 19 hours, but some of my classmates stepped in and I say that they're my doulas. I had a few spellings sisters come and walk me around the block a bunch of times and one of my friends from Alabama hopped on a bus and was like sis, I'm about to beat it. So it was a good birth.

Speaker 2: 18:29

I had a water birth at Atlanta Medical Center, which is now closed. I'm so sad Because we need spaces that allow us to birth how we want. But I had a midwife named Margaret Strickhouser, which is so funny because for my next birth it turned out that she was the professor of my second midwife. So I was like everything, alignment is real. But fast forward five years later for my birth here in Brooklyn, I gave birth at Brooklyn Birthing Center and I had my doula with me. She was amazing. But the difference between the two births is I was really able to do so the second time around more confidently. Of course I was a little more of age, but having a doula and having proper support makes so much of a difference it really does.

Speaker 1: 19:25

Yeah, absolutely. It really does, I think what you are doing is amazing, and I wish more people knew about it. So please keep doing what you are doing, because I just feel like this is what people need to see.

Speaker 1: 19:40

They need to know these resources are out there. Because in hindsight, I feel like as a young mom, early 20s now, when I think about it, I'm like I should have been terrified thinking about going in to labor and giving birth, and now I do feel like that's one of the reasons that I'm kind of like let me really try to plan things out before I have the next one, because, yeah, you really are going in there and you're putting your life on the line and, as black women, I feel like I was so young I didn't know, like you don't know what you don't know.

Speaker 1: 20:26

So I really didn't know to be more cautious and more concerned. And now I just think about it like you know what? It's probably good that I didn't know, because the thought of it now just kind of freaks me out. That was a miracle in itself, like how things turned out, and it turned out good for me, but that's not the case for so many other black moms.

Speaker 2: 20:56

So it's so true. In this country we are three to four times more likely to die in childbirth than white women. It doesn't matter where we went to school, how much money we make, who we know. Serena Williams is a prime example of a woman that could have lost her life in childbirth, and here in Brooklyn we are nine times more likely to die than white women, and that's New York City as a whole. So it's a crisis that has been kept kind of like swept under the rug, but it's happening. So women need to be advocated for we need to be heard.

Speaker 2: 21:40

Just what's today, december 1st? On November 13th, we lost a mom here in Brooklyn. So the third mom at that particular hospital and the second mom within four months. So it's real. So if you're listening and you're thinking about having a child, please get a doula, get a midwife, and know that you don't have to deliver at the nearest hospital that you live, that's in your neighborhood. You can do your research and consider a home birth. Home birth is an option. It really is, and it might be the safest space for you and I say that as a doula that also works with a hospital. Home might be the safest space for us.

Speaker 1: 22:29

Oh, wow. Yeah, I either hear the risk about deaths or just a postpartum care, now that my birth was beautiful as long as the doctor was there. But that postpartum it was traumatic for me, my husband, I think, at one point, when we left the hospital. I stayed there for about four days and we left AMA. My mom had had it and when those mamas had it she was trying to let me do my thing and follow my lead. This was, I guess, my first walk into adulthood and motherhood. But by the time she left to go take a shower, we just had the nurse from hell. My mom calls her like nurse ratchet. We had the nurse from hell and that was it. And by the time I just told my mom what had been said, what was going on, she had had it. She was like I'm done, pack this shit up, we're getting out of here.

Speaker 1: 23:40

Like they couldn't find whoever the pediatrician was supposed to be, she didn't care anymore. Like the F-bomb started flying and she just started packing up that room. Like my son ended up with jaundice. It went undetected and there was what are they called PCT? Pct, one of the techs who kind of goes in and out of the rooms. We just couldn't get him to eat, we couldn't get him to stop crying. We kept changing the temperature and then after a while he stopped opening his eyes and she just kind of whispered like I am not supposed to tell you that and she was black and I think that made the difference in her just confiding in me what she had seen, because she worked in the maternity ward and she was like please don't tell anybody that I told you because I could get fired, but he looks jaundiced. And she was like I think you need to call a nurse back, I think you need to have the doctor come back. And the doctor wasn't answering the phone the pediatrician and she was like I think you need to keep calling him until he answers the phone because he looks jaundiced.

Speaker 1: 24:56

And sure enough, by the time we got the pediatrician back on the phone, he had jaundice and he was like I don't know how that could have happened. Like I just checked him. Well, I don't know what kind of checking you did, because we didn't tell him the girl who comes to do the blood pressure, like that's the one who told us, hey, you need to go get help. And sure enough, she was right. And I think the only reason she felt comfortable enough to say that to us is because we were black.

Speaker 1: 25:31

We didn't know what to do. I couldn't get him to eat. We were trying the formula, we were trying the breast and it was like he was doing fine two days ago. What's happening? He's declining and then, by the time they figured out a course of action, we had a nurse trying to do a blood draw. No blood is coming out and she's just telling us over and over and over how he can have brain damage. Like, oh, he's not a good bleeder. That's what she kept saying. He's not a good bleeder, he could have brain damage. And we're like so inappropriate.

Speaker 1: 26:05

He's two days old. So by the time I told my mom that she was like we're getting the hell out of here, pack this shit up, and if that bitch comes back in this room you better point it out. And I'm like at that point and my mom doesn't have a medical background but she knew it was time to go. So we found a different doctor. We told my OBGYN what was going on. He made a few phone calls and then he told us hey, that nurse, you need to report her. And we just kind of did everything from home and just had to keep going back to the ER to get them to test his blood and check his levels.

Speaker 1: 26:51

And in that part of the hospital, in the ER, the nurse. She came out, she pricked his foot, blood came out with no problem. And then she looked at the other foot. She's like well, who annihilated his foot Because they were poking him in the top of his ankles? And she's like that's common sense, you're not going to get any blood from there and poor baby. So it was awful. That's a lot of trauma.

Speaker 2: 27:20

That's not good, it was unexpected.

Speaker 1: 27:24

It was awful. So once I learned like I didn't know what I was doing at the time I think it was after the fact one of my friends was pregnant she's like, oh girl, I got a doula. And I'm like what? She's like, yeah, and she's telling me about the baths and the massages and oh, we did this and oh, we did that. And I'm like, dang, I think that's what Simone does. Like I think you posted a few times and I'm like, oh, that's what it's called. Like why didn't anybody tell me? You know, this is amazing. So I think I've kind of kept up with you Because I'm like, why don't they just have this? Like everyone should be able to have that experience and have those options.

Speaker 1: 28:11

And it's so sad to think of, like, how archaic it still is. Like we're in 2023, going into 2024. And it's still pretty I don't know archaic the way women have babies. Just simple things, like you said, the fluids, the IVs I had no clue. But once you started reading and researching, like no, you shouldn't be on an IV as soon as you go into the hospital, like that's going to make you swell, it's going to make you retain water, it's going to make it more difficult.

Speaker 2: 28:49

Why are you laying down?

Speaker 2: 28:50

But, you know, and giving birth on our backs is not the best way either. It really makes gravity work against us when we're on our backs. From my personal experience, giving birth in a squat position is like a game changer, and with one of my children's, I was in a squat position the whole labor Because I was like this is allowing me to open up, this is allowing baby to descend. Like why would I want to be on my back? The minute I took a break to lay down, I was like, oh no, no, no, back in that squat position.

Speaker 2: 29:28

So even little things like that, if a doctor tells you your fluid is low, your amniotic fluid is low, one thing you can do is get in the bath, take a nice bath and let your body begin to retain water that way, in addition to staying hydrated, instead of going immediately to the hospital, and one thing leads to another and then you're in the OR. So there's so many little things, but I'm going to continue to spread the word because I really feel like this is sacred work. It's needed work, and not only that, it's something that we've had, like I said, from the beginning of time when we were not allowed in hospitals. There was always that black woman in the community going from house to house. They called us Granny, med wives or wet nurses and that was who took care of the community. So we really have to get back to that, because black wombs create worlds and we have to protect that. We really do. We have to protect that.

Speaker 1: 30:35

So how does your work? Because it is so involved, how does that affect motherhood for you personally? Are you just on call 24-7? How does that work?

Speaker 2: 30:49

You know, I'm still day by day. I'm still working out how does it work. I'm really thankful because I have an amazing co-parent. I tell my friends all the time I am a single mother. I put that out there. I'm a single mother, but I make it look real cute.

Speaker 2: 31:05

But it's not easy. Yes, you do. My children have two different fathers and maybe we'll get into that later. But one of my children actually lives in Florida with his dad and he visits me on breaks, so that offers me some wiggle room. And then Hetepe, who is here in Brooklyn. His dad is amazing and he believes in this work. So if I have to be at the hospital or if I am on call or if Hetepe is with me and a mother goes into labor, like he's on it, he'll hop in a Uber and get over here, or I'll take Hetepe to him. But I'm so thankful for him because he really believes in this work. And I think that's number one.

Speaker 2: 31:51

If you're a doula and you're a mom, or if you're not a doula and you're just a mama, having that community and that village is a game changer. So that's how I make it work. I had a postpartum client today and Hetepe was with his dad. So that makes it work for me. And also we're a very nontraditional family. Both of my children are homeschooled, so we have that flexibility. So let's say I've been in a hospital two days in a row and my shifts in the hospital are 13 hours. So let's say I have Hetepe after a shift. I have the flexibility of having him join school from home.

Speaker 2: 32:33

We're part of an African-centered homeschool collective, so he'll get on Zoom and take his classes and I'll be checking on him throughout the day. So it's like I'm actively resting while he's in school. So I feel like everything is kind of falling into place for me. But I will say I'm well supported.

Speaker 1: 32:56

OK, that is such a beautiful story. Just hearing how you started out by just explaining your journey, describing all the uncertainty, and now you have really cultivated a life around what you want, it seems like you have taken charge. You've taken charge of your kids' education. The career was this like your dream career? I know you said you wanted to be a dancer and you still do that a lot.

Speaker 2: 33:29

I'm going somewhere, little twerk twerk, making better girl. But, lori, the journey. I just have so much gratitude because I was scared. 21 years old and I'm going to this amazing college and I'm here, I am pregnant. I was the first of my friends to become a mother and it was so funny because they would always say, simone, you're the mom of the group. And I didn't really like that because I'm like yo, I just want to be me. But lo and behold, my friends were actually speaking some things into me too. So I just have so much gratitude that things happened the way that they did. I wish I could look at that 21-year-old Simone and say, girl, it's going to be OK, because this is what is making you, this is what it takes to become who you want to be, and that is amazing because there are so many moms with so many limitations on themselves.

Speaker 1: 34:32

So it sounds like the first thing you did was secure that village in order for you to just move the way you thought was necessary for your family.

Speaker 1: 34:46

But I feel like, just from what I see in different aspects of your life, you seem to have a good handle. Just hearing about, I didn't know your kids were homeschool, because a lot of parents are so dissatisfied with the public school system, but it's like how do you homeschool? That's not really an option. I have a job and here you are, you work a job and you still have a kid that's being homeschooled. So take us through that, because that's another aspect where you have just taken control and taken ownership of that aspect of your life, when so many parents, myself included, feel like they don't have control over that. I know there are a lot of concerns that people express with socialization when you start looking at homeschool, figuring out who's the teacher going to be, are they qualified? Do I have to teach the kid myself, because I can't teach all these subjects? How do you make sure they're well-rounded and getting a robust education when we know so many things are lacking in the public school system, so take us through that journey.

Speaker 2: 36:07

Sure, well, you know, with HETEP, both of them actually started in public school. Pj, who's my older son, he's 14. I can't believe I have a 14. Oh, so crazy. But we started him in public school and he struggled because he's one of those kids that was labeled as ADHD and might be on the spectrum and the classroom wasn't the place for him. So when he transitioned to his father a few years ago, his dad decided maybe homeschool is best for him because he does well with that one-on-one. For HETEP, who is nine years old, we also started him at a public school here. It was a progressive public school. I actually really liked it.

Speaker 2: 36:57

Some of my friends are like we don't know about the school, because at this particular school the kids are really allowed to express themselves and I'm a true believer in I am creating a person. I want you to be able to go into this world and operate and be your full self. So they actually called the teachers by their first names and a lot of my friends are like oh, and you know us, lord, we're from the South, we're a guest, ma'am no, ma'am misses, and all of that. But I like that school, but here in New York City you have to have so many vaccinations to go to school and HETEP's father was not a huge fan of all the vaccinations, so they kind of. At first we were doing like a religious exemption, so TEP didn't have to get so many. And then they took that away and his dad was like nope, and we're out of here. And we found ourselves at a homeschool conference. We actually met the principal of the school that he goes to. So when I say HETEP is homeschool, I'm not actually his teacher. I don't teach all the subjects, even though I do check his Google Classroom and make sure his assignments are in.

Speaker 2: 38:14

But he's a part of a collective where they actually have an in-person site here in Brooklyn and then they have students that join virtually. So you can do either. Or let's say, for you, like your children, you would be out of state, right, but your kids can still join and go to school. For those that are here in Brooklyn, they have the option of going in person or virtual. So that's kind of how we work that I love his school. The hours are also very nontraditional. He goes to school from 11 AM to 6 PM. So for the parents that have a 9 to 5, you kind of got to pull on your village like, hey, I'm going to drop my child off, will you take him to the school? Or hey, your child is going to come over to our house and they're both going to log in to school. That way For the parents, whose jobs are a little more flexible, but it's a very community aspect for that school, all the teachers are black.

Speaker 2: 39:17

The subjects are also some subjects that our kids need to be learning. Heptep takes a business class. He takes a black political thought class. He takes an etiquette class. Like he teaches me something. I love that One day he sent me down.

Speaker 2: 39:33

He was like mommy, you know, before you make an important decision you have to consider it seven times. And I'm like you know You're going to stop. But he's so intelligent and I'm just so thankful again, we had New York City not change that law as far as the vaccinations go. He would still be in school. But I'm thankful because now all of his teachers look like him and he's learning things that are going to make him a better prepared person for life, because they address real things. They address gentrification in our neighborhoods. They address health. They have a health class where they actually sit down and look at the ingredients in certain foods. So when we're in the grocery store and if I put something that ain't supposed to be in the cart and the cart tells like mom, that has trisodium glutamate in it, and I'm like you're right, babe, let's put this back.

Speaker 1: 40:37

I'm proud of it, Liddy OK.

Speaker 2: 40:40

I love it. But that's kind of how that happened for us and again, it wasn't planned, it was just alignment and things kind of fell into place. No-transcript, I will say for families that are interested in taking their children out of the public school system do your research, because there may be other families like you and you know, you can create things in your own community. You know, I don't put it past our Delray Beach brothers and sisters to put something together like that. We have so many teachers and educators. As I look back I'm like wow, you know right.

Speaker 2: 41:16

You're right.

Speaker 1: 41:18

Yeah, Delray is. The black community in Delray Beach is very solid and you can go back generation after generation and is full of educators. I don't, I haven't looked into it. I know I vent a lot about my dissatisfaction with my son's experience. I'll put it that way with his educational experience, I feel like he has been robbed of his experience and is disheartening because I had a positive you know experience in our little community in Delray Beach.

Speaker 1: 42:00

But, things have changed and it is so important. I again, when I selected his school, I picked it because it was to me, the demographics. I'm like, OK, it's a nice little melting pot. That's what I told myself. You know, there are kids who look like him, there are kids who don't look like him. When we initially started school, we started out a private school that was a black school and it was a Christian school and that just wasn't. It wasn't for me. I wasn't going to make it through that preschool. You know, I I kind of clash a little bit when it comes to certain aspects and traditions that they follow in the black community. It just didn't sit right with me. So I kind of just one day woke up and was like enough is enough and I just pulled him out of school that day and I know that's what's up. I like that. Yeah, the principal is just like right now.

Speaker 1: 43:07

Yeah, I was just like no, like give me his stuff, this is it, we won't be back, and that was it. And I found another school that was another melting pot and he, he did OK, they were a little faster with the pacing of what he needed at the time and then it just kind of went south at the very end. And that was like my introduction into like the racism that still happens in the classroom. And you would think like these are children.

Speaker 1: 43:48

So there was a lot of just disbelief and denial at the time and really just not knowing what to do, a lot of hopelessness, a lot of well, what do we do now? Where do we go? But at the time, like I said, it was at the end of preschool, so we were transitioning anyway. So for me, the best thing that I could do is you know what? Don't focus on that, because we're going to encounter racist people. Like you said, we are in the South and they are just loud and proud right now, like the times that we're living in. They may have been a little covert a couple of decades ago, but not anymore, right?

Speaker 2: 44:31

I'm not going to lie, though. I had an experience at Carver that I will never forget. What's that I remember we were. I think we're in eighth grade and you know February is already a short month, but it was the last day of February and it was like a half day, and that was when they decided to honor Black History Month. I was mad, Lori, I was mad. I started a petition at that time. You remember Dr Saltzman was our principal. Yes, I do With the lamp. You remember the lamp?

Speaker 1: 45:01

Oh my gosh. Yes, I do, but I started a petition.

Speaker 2: 45:09

I got 111 of our classmates to sign that petition. That's a very special number to me, but I had 111, and basically prior to me right the day before I went home and I was like dad, it's the last day of Black History Month and they teach us nothing. And he was like what you going to do about it? And he gave me an idea. He was like, well, why don't you write up something and have your friend sign it? So I did, and, passing it around the hallways, I put it into Dr Saltzman's mailbox and I got called to the principal office later that day. Okay, this man opened it, read it and looked me in my face and was like you know, well, we'll see what we're going to do about it. And he put it in the trash. What In the trash can Lori?

Speaker 1: 46:03

Oh my.

Speaker 2: 46:05

God, and that was for me, that was my introduction into oh y'all really don't give a shit.

Speaker 1: 46:10

Yeah, they don't, they absolutely don't.

Speaker 2: 46:14

And they covered it up a lot. But I feel like, like you said now, it's just like in your face.

Speaker 1: 46:19

They are loud and proud and it is heartbreaking because I feel like what I, I don't know. When it comes to racism, when especially institutionalized racism, let's backtrack, because you, you have racism and then you have the institutionalized racism. And for what? For what is worth? When you do see those individuals who are just loud and proud, they believe in what they believe in, their racist my daddy was this, this how I was raised, this what I believe. A part of me can almost appreciate that, because at least I don't have to guess.

Speaker 2: 46:58

Right Like tell me what it is Like a state of hell, away from you.

Speaker 1: 47:03

Exactly, I appreciate, like you know what you put that out there. Like we moved out West and Boyd and I ended up coming back home and we moved out West and I we had a neighbor there they aren't here anymore, but he was all about his pickup truck, his pickup truck, his huge, huge Confederate flag, and I'm like you know what. And he was our next door neighbor, like zero lot line. We got to look at this freaking Confederate flag every single day, right? But I was like you know what? My neighborhood is a little melting pot. You have the people next door to us. They are Italian. We have two households across the street from us. They're Haitian. We have two other neighbors they're white. We have a whole melting pot, right? So in that setting, even though he was loud and proud, again, thank you for letting me know, because now I know, no, if you come over here, you can't get a cup of sugar, you can get shit from this house. And for my son, thank you, because, guess what, don't bring your ass over to his house, don't knock on the door, don't step on the property, nothing, right? So I appreciated that, because at least it's not a secret, you know.

Speaker 1: 48:29

But when we talk about institutionalized racism. Now I have to guess, right. So when he's in a school Okay, I'm getting these notes home and these, like every day you know he's on red or he has a sad face, or he's in red and orange, Like what the hell is going on, right? So, like you said with especially with black boys, oh, they get that ADHD label. So good, but that's if they're lucky and that's what I had to realize as an educator. I'll take that ADHD label, I'll take that ESC label because the way things are now, at least that offers me a layer of protection, right, because now, as soon as you say something about racism in an institution, you are dismissed. Right, that it can be plain as day and this is what I try to get Like when I consult with different parents it can be the writing on the wall.

Speaker 1: 49:35

But as soon as you say it, you are dismissed. Right, because it's subjective. Even though you're not doing this to everyone else, you're doing it to my child. You're not referring to anyone else's kid is these things? You're doing it to my kid, but I can't prove that. Right, all of that is subjective.

Speaker 1: 49:57

But once you get that label, when we start talking about ESC disabilities, disorders, adhd, et cetera. Well, now you're discriminating against a child with a known disability. Hmm, and the conversation in the language becomes different, even though it's the same thing. You're discriminating. And guess what? Now I don't even have to say that, our word Right? I don't even have to throw it out there, because we have so many laws against what you are doing and we have so many laws stating what you need to do in order to assist my child. And I try, when I talk to parents who are kind of on the fence, like I don't want my child labeled, and this day and age you better, because if you don't get that label, they're going to give them another one. It's true, it's true.

Speaker 2: 50:53

You know, I would rather my child have an IEP than be the bad kid.

Speaker 1: 50:59

You know once that label is a completely different trajectory, and that's when you start talking about the school to prison pipeline. It starts there and it makes me sick to my stomach because I feel like, with all my credentials and I, you know, I was a teacher, I'm in the school district, so I'm still approaching these individuals like, look, I'm on your side, I'm a teacher too, simone. They didn't give a damn. They would try to pacify me, pacify me, pacify me to get me out of their face, but you're still destroying my kid. So now I got to advocate a little harder.

Speaker 1: 51:45

Now I have to press the envelope a little bit more, because you hear me but you're not hearing me. Now you're playing in my face and you're playing with my kid. So once I kind of take the situation to the next level. Now, everyone when they see me on the campus they kind of walk on eggshells, right, and now they're overly welcoming. But my kid is heading to middle school now. So did you think he forgot the way you treated him those times before?

Speaker 1: 52:22

And I try to keep my son out of what's going on behind the scenes because I don't want him jaded. I'm like, look, you got a little bit more time before you start to recognize the racism within the schools, within the classroom. But I also feel like you know what that's life? How many times do you go to work and you got to deal with racist ass people every day, girl, girl. So that part of me that I've really been on the fence, like I don't want my son to have to deal with this. I'm going to put him in homeschool. But then I'm like because I'm sure I can find a black co-op and we can have that nurturing that he's missing. But then part of me is also like, son, shit is about to get real?

Speaker 2: 53:13

Yeah, that's true, and you have to, at the same time, protect them. You have to, you know, release them in some ways. Yeah, no-transcript experience, some things. One way we keep him active, so he has that social element, is through soccer. Soccer is not necessarily a Black man sport. So this year it's opened my eyes to some things. He auditioned for a youth academy with NYCFC, which is the professional soccer team here in New York City, and it wasn't a whole lot of Black kids. I would say maybe a hundred kids showed up and maybe five or six were Black. So we had to have a talk with Hattat about that. Like, hey, this is the reality of this sport, this is the reality of things that happen. We don't want it to deter you, but we want you to be aware.

Speaker 1: 54:15

Yeah, absolutely, and I can see my son. It took shout out to Ms Hannah. She was his first Black teacher after having so many run-ins with his initial. What was that? Like first grade, his first grade teacher I had. His kindergarten teacher, who was a white woman, pulled me aside like hey, she discriminates against your son. I've already told the principal. I don't care what she's saying about your son, that is not true. He never did those things with me and you need to look into it. So we ended up getting the class changed and Ms Hannah has been at that school since the school opened. Okay, and when I say pro Black, she is going to teach those babies about Black History Month. Come on, ms Hannah. 180 days of school. I've never seen him so proud because it went beyond Martin Luther King. And then she started teaching him like well, let me tell you some facts about Martin Luther King. And my son came home, I remember in like first grade, like mommy, that's not even his name, what?

Speaker 2: 55:29

Come on, babe. I love when the kids teach us. I love that.

Speaker 1: 55:33

And I'm just like go, ms Hannah. He's like, yeah, that wasn't his name, that's not his birth name, he was inspired by Martin Luther after a trip, and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, huh, okay, so now I'm to the side. So it's like he was so proud to go to school, you know, and and have this information that no one else was sharing. And right now, florida. We are in a time where this is the first year they have taken away Black history. I don't know if people really know what's going on, but that African American history numerous times, and I am yeah, that is right.

Speaker 1: 56:23

Yeah, right before your eyes. So I do find myself like, how am I going to supplement his education with the truth? Right? And then this is something that has made me like you know what I? Maybe it's time to go ahead and pull him out, but at the same time, I do feel compelled, like no matter what field you go in, no matter where you go, you are going to have that racism right there in your face, and you have to know how to navigate around it.

Speaker 1: 56:59

When I graduated from Atlantic, it was like a big thing back in like 2006, going to the University of Florida right, that was the vote at the number one party school in the country and it was such a great school and blah, blah, blah. And you get there, you know, I got accepted. So I'm like great, you go to orientation. We have one orientation and then we had a real orientation for those black students. Hey, let me pull you aside, like I'm your, your proctor or preceptor, whatever we used to call them and they taught us about the fishbowl. When you come to this school, this is a PWI, this is what experience you can expect, you can expect as a black student, and this is how you need to conduct yourself accordingly. And it was like damn, because, yeah, they're going and thank God I had somebody to pull me aside. I wasn't expecting that. You know you're, you're sheltered, right, I'm getting angry listening to Laurie.

Speaker 1: 58:16

But I appreciate that we pay to attend. Oh, absolutely. And you know people, it's great to be a Florida Gator and you can Gator chomp and you know this whole culture. But there's a subculture there. As a black student and had I not been, I guess, prepped for that, you know then I maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle myself and navigate my way through those spaces. That one, everybody in the room didn't think my black ass deserve to be there in the first place. And I even had other students who didn't know any any better because they were sheltered, just like I was sheltered, and they would ask Well, don't they have to like, let black people go here, like that. That's how you got in. So you didn't get in on merit, you, you got in because you're black, right. And my response hey, my black ass is here either way. And guess what? I got the highest exam scores in this college, right, and don't be asking to study with me, and you know what, and they could not stand.

Speaker 1: 59:27

I had a couple of frenemies, because once you get to the top of the class, you get through your gen ed courses, even your gen ed courses. The way they would teach us it was not something that I could identify with and I struggled Like I'll tell anybody. I became a science teacher because at that point I failed so many damn science classes Hell, I can't teach the class because I've taken it about 10 times. I can teach all these science courses, but it took me to fail a chemistry course and I had to retake it in the summer and I ended up with a black adjunct professor. All right, that was part one of a two part series. Don't forget, tune in next week where we conclude this episode. Hey everyone, it's your favorite BCBAD here, dr Doloren, and I'm here to ask you to help us continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting wwwforshittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at Forshitty Moms and that's shitty with an X, not an I.