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For Shxtty Moms
“For Shxtty Moms” is a behavior change podcast for mom’s who are holding on by a thread. Listen as we talk to real moms about the challenges of motherhood; while exploring different strategies to help moms alike get their shxt together!
For Shxtty Moms
Episode 11: We're All Figuring It Out Together, One Shxtty Mom Moment At A Time
In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Lori steps away from her usual interviewer role to share the story behind "For Shitty Moms" and her own journey through motherhood. As a behavior analyst with a doctorate in applied behavior analysis, she reveals how her professional expertise intersects with her parenting challenges, particularly as she navigates raising a confident Black son while managing her own recently diagnosed ADHD.
The podcast's name comes from those moments all parents experience, when we fall short of our own expectations or when setting boundaries makes us feel like we're somehow failing. Dr. Lori candidly discusses the "struggle and juggle" of motherhood, rejecting the myth of work-life balance in favor of a more realistic approach where sometimes certain priorities must temporarily take precedence while others wait.
Particularly moving is her discussion of parenting a Black son in a system that often doesn't extend the same grace to children of color. She shares both heartbreak and pride in watching her child develop resilience in the face of microaggressions, revealing the complex emotions that come with preparing him for a world that may not always see his full potential.
What sets this episode apart is Dr. Lori’s unflinching honesty about the role financial status plays in accessing parenting resources. Having worked to create a career that allows her flexibility, she acknowledges this privilege while offering practical strategies for those without the same options. From panic-inducing misunderstandings with teachers to the transformative advice about letting partners parent their own way, her stories resonate with authenticity.
Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode provides valuable insight into using behavior modification principles to improve your parenting experience. Subscribe now and join a community of parents who are embracing their imperfect moments while striving for growth.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:34 - Show Introduction and Sponsorship
1:36 - Meet Dr. DeLoren: Background and Profession
4:47 - Applying Behavior Analysis to Motherhood
11:19 - Educational Journey and Career Path
19:29 - Origins of the Show's Concept
26:33 - Motherhood Challenges and ADHD Diagnosis
37:11 - Coping with "Shitty Mom" Moments
47:05 - The Role of Income in Motherhood
54:18 - Parenting as a Black Mother
1:03:24 - Struggle and Juggle vs. Work-Life Balance
1:08:45 - Best Parenting Advice: Let Partners Help
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmom at gmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. M-o-m at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. All right, hey everyone, this is your favorite behavior analyst, dr DeLoren, and I'm here today with a very special episode. Instead of me interviewing someone else, another mom, I am going to actually interview myself. I feel like it's really important for my listeners to get to know a little bit more about me, my background, about the show, how the show came about, how the concept came about. So let's just get into it, all right. So, as you may know, my name is DeLoren. I usually refer to myself as Dr DeLoren for the show. I'm 35 and I am from South Florida. Right now. I am a mom and a wife. I have one son. I've been married going on seven years this upcoming April and yeah, that's a little bit about me, my current occupation, I am a behavior analyst. So at this given time I am actually working on launching my own business, my own company, and really I go out into the community.
Speaker 1:Go out into the community, I go out into the homes of children with special needs and I help them develop different skill sets to allow them to gain their independence. So, as a behavior analyst or sometimes I like to call it a behavior therapist, we go out, we observe and then I will identify behaviors that different clients is what we call them will need to develop in order to obtain some level of independence. Because every child is different, every individual is different. Every individual is different. Those skills and those behaviors that they need to develop look different for each individual right. So success looks different for each individual as well, and typically when we're dealing with an individual who's a part of that special needs community or who may fall into that category, typically I will do observations to see what behaviors and skills they already have. I am looking for deficits that they already have, and then I'm interviewing different stakeholders that can be parents, teachers, siblings, grandparents, family members who help in the daily care of these individuals to see what's important to them and what skills will really enhance the quality of life for that family unit as a whole. So with that it can look very different depending on the setting, depending on the individual that I'm speaking with. I always personally try to identify skill sets that are going to make the biggest difference in the life of the family and in the quality of life for the individual.
Speaker 1:It's important to me to explain to everyone that I come across that I don't just focus on special needs populations and individuals with varying exceptionalities or disabilities. That's one idea that I had when developing the show is that behavior therapy, behavior change, behavior modification all of those things can work with all individuals. One population in particular that I think definitely gets overlooked, that population will be moms. Typically moms, we do a lot. We are our most difficult and challenging critic, whether you hear about other moms judging other moms or even moms judging themselves and holding themselves to a higher standard and then expressing their disappointment when they don't necessarily meet those standards. So all of those things came into play when I developed the concept of the idea that moms too can undergo behavior modification and behavior change to achieve the outcomes that they want to achieve in life, whether it's through parenting, whether it's self development, whether it's emotional or spiritual connections with themselves, family, you name it. Behavior is behavior. Behavior is universal and everyone and all of their interactions with the environment typically, will determine what types of behaviors they have.
Speaker 1:As individuals, we are all driven by outcomes. So if I'm working with an individual who falls within that special needs population, it's my job to identify the best outcome, the outcome that the individual wants and the outcome that's the safest and the most desirable outcome for that individual. Well, as a behavior analyst and as a behavior therapist, the same thing applies to everyone else. As human beings, we are driven by past experiences and we are driven by outcomes. So, when it comes to moms, we are really navigating and making decisions every single day based on our desirable outcomes, or based on the outcomes that we the most desirable, but depending on the circumstance. We engage in certain behaviors because of our circumstances and because of what we know the outcome will be. You know, sometimes as a parent, you can do things that you're not so happy with. You kind of don't understand, like why do I keep doing this? I already know what's going to happen, I already know what the outcome is going to be and we do those things anyway, right. It's because of our past experience and our past consequences that we've encountered as individuals.
Speaker 1:So the show focuses on identifying the behaviors that most moms aren't so satisfied with, or identifying behaviors that moms would like to improve, and then talking to different moms on the show if they have been able to obtain certain outcomes that they really, really want, you know, if they have been able to figure out a formula that works for them, that allows them to gain access to the outcomes that they want. I'm really inviting those moms on the show to share the strategies that they use, the behaviors that they engage in, so that other moms who are listening, who want similar outcomes, they can listen to the show, they can take some notes and maybe add some new behaviors in their repertoire to achieve the outcomes that they want, behaviors and their repertoire to achieve the outcomes that they want. So throughout the show, I like to talk about real life, real experiences, all sides of motherhood, and then focus on different ways to improve those experiences so that more moms can achieve more desirable outcomes within their experience. I can say as an individual, this has taken a lot of time and a lot of growth to just even be able to sit here today to talk about those things. As a mom personally, it has become really challenging to identify myself as something outside of a mom, right, as once we become parents, it's like you're always a parent, right, but there was a person and an individual there who existed before parenthood and before motherhood, right? So throughout the show, I like to just get to know the guests that I'm interviewing, but I also think it's important for my guests and my listeners to get to know me as well.
Speaker 1:So, with all of my experience, with my background, so with all of my experience with my background, I do have a background in education, specifically special education. I have my doctorate, I have my EDD in special education. I have my doctorate in applied behavior analysis. I have my doctorate in applied behavior analysis. And before all of that, what really got me started and introduced into the field was pursuing my doctorate in STEM education. Stem for those of you who don't know, that's science, technology, engineering and mathematics. When I initially started my doctoral program, I was this big-eyed, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed doctoral student and I really wanted to pursue STEM education. I was a teacher, and once a teacher, always a teacher, and I and I was always very, very passionate about science and educating students in title one schools in urban populations, in socio-economically disadvantaged schools and neighborhoods, really bringing the science curriculum alive to those students to open their eyes to the possibilities, to see what they have an opportunity to explore outside of their everyday lives.
Speaker 1:I feel like as a product of a public school. As a product of a public school, I was never really encouraged. I attended public school all throughout my life as a child. Growing up, I started out at an elementary school that just so happened to be a Montessori school and I think the experience that I gained there be a Montessori school and I think the experience that I gained there really just helped cultivate my love of learning. It was a very positive experience and amazing opportunity for me to build relationships with people that I still talk to every single day my best friend, some of my elementary school teachers I talk to still I keep in touch with them on the regular and that started my love for education.
Speaker 1:Really the encouragement for me it really stopped at sixth grade in elementary, so I always kept that in the forefront once I became a teacher, that you know what I need to reach out to as many kids as possible, kids with the same background that I have and I need to show them what's out there. I really didn't learn what was out there until I got to college and in my opinion I was very fortunate. And in today's world that's really late, right? That's really late. Exposure to different opportunities that's really late for anyone to figure out that they have more opportunities right at their fingertips. So as a teacher, I decided you know what? I need? A little more education. I need to fill my teaching toolbox with a little more so that I can reach out to the kids in my classroom.
Speaker 1:So that's what started me on that journey to pursue my doctorate and along the way I was introduced to special education, I fell in love with it. I had a classmate who introduced me to the world of plot behavior analysis and I was able to pretty much merge all of my interests once I was introduced to the field of ABA is what we call it. So it's a scientific approach to behavior change. So I still got to pursue my love of science and with that I was also able to help people and reach out to a variety of people with a variety of skill sets that I couldn't really reach before as a teacher. So, with all of that experience, I'm still going through all of these things that I described. That was probably over the course of about six years, from discovering that passion to actually finishing and becoming a doctor.
Speaker 1:All of that was happening while I was also experiencing motherhood for the first time. So majority of my motherhood experience has been shared, as I've been developing myself and obtaining my own education and trying to further my own skill sets and if it sounds like a lot, that's because it is and I'm finally at a point in life where things are starting to slow down a little bit and I'm actually able to explore and digest the world around me through a different lens, because I'm no longer a student, I'm further along in my career, so I'm not trying to climb that invisible ladder that we all have to climb in order to support ourselves and support our families. So, with all of that experience, the ideas and the experiences of motherhood in general, that was really the birthplace of the show. I am fortunate enough to work in a field that I consider to be mom friendly, but that's not to say that I don't have those same challenges.
Speaker 1:I think I made a lot of sacrifices early on to get to a point where now, as a parent, I can kind of call the shots of what, what I do in my career. I have more input with the income that I'm able to make and bring home in the work schedule that I have. And I also kept that in mind and that's what kept me motivated, because I kept telling myself, you know what, once I get through school, because I kept telling myself, you know what, once I get through school, once I get this degree and get the experience that I need through my career, then I will be able to call the shots and be in the forefront of my family. That was always the end goal, and all of the experiences that I share on the show are just things that I've encountered along the way, but the ultimate goal has always been to make a substantial contribution to my family unit, um, economically speaking, and to be able to be present for those special moments and to actively participate in the growth and the development of my own family. So that has always been the mission, that has always been the goal, and, personally, anything that is done outside of that for me is an added bonus, right? So this is who. This is the person or the individual that's speaking to you and all of our guests.
Speaker 1:I'm kind of pulling you guys behind the curtain a little bit today and giving you an idea of who I am and the advice that I give. Sometimes it may be advice from personal experience, it may be advice through professional experience and some days, just like everyone else, I don't have any advice at all. That's the whole point of inviting other moms on the show, because everyone has a different experience. Everyone has something to bring to the table, and your income level it really doesn't matter when it comes to motherhood. I've spoken to some moms in my everyday life who have an abundance of resources because of their financial status. They have an abundance of resources right at their fingertips and they still struggle with motherhood. I have encountered other mothers who have very limited resources at their fingertips because of their financial status at the moment and, guess what? They're thriving in motherhood. So motherhood is a shared experience that we all have and no matter what your background is, how you were raised, the family structure that you have now, we all can share our unique experiences and we all can take bits and pieces from each other's experiences and use those experiences to improve our own relationships and achieve some of the personal goals that we may have set for ourselves as mothers.
Speaker 1:So the name for shitty moms that came about is just I guess it came about through a lot of self talk. Some days when I'm overwhelmed or some days when I'm setting a boundary, I'll kind of tell myself well, I guess this is my shitty mom moment, because now I'm establishing a boundary. I have learned the hard way that you can't do it all, you can't have everything, and sometimes as a parent, you kind of put yourself in that box to where you have all of these demands that you absolutely have to meet. They are non-negotiables and sometimes you just can't do it. So my way of coping with understanding that you know what, all of these expectations that I've placed on myself, I'm gonna have to prioritize them and I can't do them all right now. So sometimes I'll jokingly tell myself like, oh, I guess I'm a shitty mom because I won't be doing that. Or sometimes I really feel like, oh, I can't believe I did that. Oh, I'm such a shitty mom. And that's pretty much where the name came from, because again, that is another shared experience.
Speaker 1:As a behavior therapist, I often try to define the terms that I use so that everyone can have a where it sounds one way but it really means something else. And basically that is a phrase that's used that can kind of resonate with all moms who are really trying. They have set a set of expectations, they want to improve the lives of their children, their family themselves, their quality of life, all of those things, and they're just really trying to troubleshoot and figure out the best way to do that. And sometimes we fall short, sometimes we're our biggest critics and sometimes there's no fancy way to say it. I don't care how many degrees anyone else may have. We all have shitty moments, right? So that's where the name came from and that's what we discuss here on the show. All of the above. So nothing is really off limits, nothing is really off the table. Anytime I have a guest on the show or anytime I'm sharing an experience on on the show, it's really peeling back another layer to motherhood, what that experience usually is, and just to give a little more insight as to where certain behaviors may originate, right, and sometimes, if our behaviors are inconsistent with our values or the expectations that we have in our mind, it can cause a certain level of insecurity and from that insecurity. That's where the shitty mom experience comes into play.
Speaker 1:So the next question says besides work and parenting, do you have any hobbies, interests, side hustles or business ventures? This is a very loaded question. Loaded question, I'll say, before the year 2023,. The answer to this question for me was no. I was definitely consumed with work after pursuing my education and graduating and just securing a job that allowed me to gain the financial stability that I had been looking for for quite some time. So now I will say I have the luxury of actually having hobbies and other interests outside of work and parenting. I think it's really important.
Speaker 1:Throughout the show, I always like to reference income. I feel like as a mom going through this process from start to finish. A lot of things have changed for me and a lot of times when I was just starting out whether it was just starting out a career as a teacher or really trying to plant my feet as a mom, or trying to plant my feet and find my footing as a wife oftentimes the resources that were available to me didn't necessarily suit my socioeconomic status at the time, in other words, the resources and the things that I was looking for to really help me improve my current status as a mom, as a wife, as a teacher with a very limited income. Those resources really didn't fit my budget. Limited income those resources really didn't fit my budget. So throughout the show, I always like to acknowledge that these are different resources or different strategies that we may reference. I love to highlight the socioeconomic status that might be needed to obtain certain things, because a lot of the times, from my personal experience, I feel like those things were overlooked.
Speaker 1:As a parent, especially being a mom, we always hear about moms being stressed out or overwhelmed. Stressed out or overwhelmed. And a lot of resources, a lot of blogs, a lot of social media pages and resources will always talk about self care, but they never really talk about the finances that are needed to obtain those things. So it almost sends the message that if you don't have a certain socioeconomic status, if you don't have a certain income, then really you can't obtain any peace of mind, you can't do any self-care, and those are things that I experienced early on, just say, as a brand new teacher. Something like self-care with a teacher's income. That's not really a thing. So throughout the show, I do like to speak to different moms with different financial backgrounds and different financial incomes, because it's important to know how are they coping, do they have resources available to them, what are they using and what are some things that I use during that time to get me through it. I think it's important to not oversimplify what motherhood is really like and sometimes a lot of resources, even professionals. They can overlook the importance of having income to even obtain these resources in the first place.
Speaker 1:I know since COVID, really, mental health has been a hot topic everywhere you go. Taking care of your mental health, improving your mental health, getting counseling, getting therapy has been a hot topic for all demographics. However, one important thing to keep in mind is a lot of the time, those things are not free. So if you don't have a certain income level, a certain SES status, sometimes mental health and taking care of your mental health well, that doesn't fit in the budget. I know from a personal experience as a teacher with a modest salary at the time, mental health outside of my EAP, and I was fortunate enough to even have insurance, because a lot of people out there still don't have basic health care and basic insurance. I was fortunate enough to be one of those individuals who had insurance, so I was able to go through my EAP and get counseling and mental health therapy Whenever I felt overwhelmed. I was able to take advantage of those six free sessions that we got through. Insurance right, but a lot of people don't have that, and another caveat to that is, after those six sessions well, guess what? Who's gonna pay for that? A lot of the times, even with insurance, mental health counseling can be pretty expensive and you're gonna face some out-of-pocket cost.
Speaker 1:So I like to talk about different strategies that we all can use. In no way, shape, form or fashion Am I saying that this show is to replace any type of mental health counseling or anything like that. If you are in a mental health crisis, you do need to seek help. However, if you don't have the financial backing to do so, I always like to discuss different strategies and different options that are free. Sometimes you can't pay for counseling or therapy, but you can go to church, you can join a church group and things like that of to make sure that everyone in the audience can gain something from each episode. Okay, so I went on a brief tangent there about mental health, but I think it's just important to highlight the importance of acknowledging the role of finances when it comes to seeking out different strategies and different resources. And that's part of the reason why, on the show, we talk to different types of moms with different backgrounds to give us a little more insight. Types of moms with different backgrounds to give us a little more insight.
Speaker 1:So, as I was saying before, besides parenting, other hobbies that I have right now would include just trying to reclaim my own mental health and stability, spiritual health and stability. So of late I've taken up yoga and pilates and really I've started back just trying to develop an exercise routine so that way I have an outlet and I'm able to really channel my energy instead of being overwhelmed and stressed out with everything being thrown at me in life. At least I've given myself some type of outlet. But, like I said, I just started that within the last, I'll say, three months. Today is October, yeah, today is October 1st. So these hobbies really just develop. Within the last 90 days, I'll say things have finally put me in a place where life is starting to level out, things are starting to stabilize for me, so I'm able to establish routines for my family and now I'm fortunate.
Speaker 1:I am fortunate enough to be able to establish some routines myself, because I think the way that things are going now mental health, self-care, mental health care all of those things, in my opinion, are luxuries. A lot of people can't really afford to have different types of outlets. So a lot of the times I do like to ask different moms what are your hobbies? Because guess what, depending on your financial backing, your hobbies are going to look. They're going to look different. Backing your hobbies are going to look, they're going to look different. So those are just some of the hobbies that I have for myself, and I am now to a point where I am starting to dabble in running my own business and again, that is, in my opinion, that's a luxury, because you have to have some kind of financial backing to start. Right, it takes money to make money, that is true, and this can't be done without it, right? So those are a few things that I have going on in my life right now.
Speaker 1:If I were to describe myself as a mom, I jokingly and loosely refer to myself as the hot mess mom For those of you who haven't caught on by now. For those of you who are just tuning into the show I often reference like I'm a mom with ADHD and I was diagnosed later on in life after my son. Uh, it was discovered that he had ADHD. He and I are a lot of light, um. We have a lot of similar character traits and that's just one thing that we share. So now that I'm able to really define what is going on, now I can kind of look around and say, okay, like this is some ADHD stuff you have going on, pull it together. Like this is some ADHD stuff you have going on, pull it together. So, as that hot mess mama, as I like to call it I'm, sometimes I find myself to be all over the place.
Speaker 1:I'm I'm very involved, whether it is being involved with school, extracurricular activities, field trips, home projects. At the end of the day, I am a teacher at heart. I started out my career as a science teacher and a lot of those things I incorporate into the home. So for us to have some kind of science experiment going on in the house, for us to have some kind of garden growing and trying some things out in the yard, is not really something that to come to my home. There's no telling what you would see at any given moment, because I like what I like I have different interests and it's important to me that my child gets the exposure to those different things, especially because growing up I feel like I didn't have access to a lot of things and I wasn't exposed to a lot of things. So now as a parent, especially being a mom, I really take that to heart and I will try to expose him to everything and even more than what I was exposed to in life. So that's how I would describe myself as a mom.
Speaker 1:And my most recent shitty mom experience let's see I have a laundry list of them Again, that was the birthplace of the show just sharing these shitty experiences with the world pretty much and then being able to identify with other moms who have shared shitty experiences of their own. But I'll say the most recent shitty mom experience was probably this Friday, picking my son up from school. I received a message from the teacher that he needed help with submitting his homework assignment because he hadn't been submitting his homework assignments this week and I was really taken aback by that message because I've been so excited my little guy. He's in the fifth grade this year and the goal has been to really prepare him for the independence and the challenges of middle school. So with that we've been focusing a lot on just getting him to be more responsible with his assignments. I haven't been a helicopter parent like I usually am, and it was nice to really see him rising to the occasion.
Speaker 1:So I am no longer hovering, asking for homework. Let me see your agenda. Did you write this down? Did you do this? Did you do that? It's been a lot of. You know what you need to do and I'm not gonna tell you what you need to do. You need to handle it and take care of it. So really just kind of backing off a little bit to have him step up. Initially that was a challenge, but as of late it felt like okay, he's getting it, he'll come home.
Speaker 1:I do use ABA strategies with my parenting style. For those of you who don't know, aba stands for Applied Behavior Analysis. That's where the behavior therapy piece comes into play. So I use a lot of those strategies with my son because it works and I really want to foster that independence in him. I think is very important to start young, but it has been a challenge even for someone who is supposed to be, you know, an expert in the field and I have this certain level of expertise. Yeah, having the expertise and doing those things, it is still a challenge. So it was nice to see him, my son, rise to the occasion and rise to those challenges and I can say, me and my husband, we have been happy with the progress that he's making. We've been pretty impressed when he's like he'll come home and kind of tell us uh, homework is already done. I did it at school. So for us, that allows us to kind of let our hair down a little bit more, relax a little bit more and just enjoy that quality time with the family, um, a little bit more.
Speaker 1:So on Friday, when I received that message from the teacher, it was like a gut check right. Like, oh my gosh, I haven't been doing my job as a mom. I trusted him and like, here we go. Now I'm going down that spiral of I gave him this responsibility. He told me he was doing the homework and now I'm getting messages saying, hey, I haven't seen any homework. So all of this is going on in my head and now I'm starting to panic like, oh my gosh, he's got tests coming up. Oh my gosh, how many homework assignments did he miss. Now the panic strikes and I just start texting my husband like you're going to have to talk to him. He told me, like directly in my face, that these things were done. The teacher is telling me they haven't been done. Please work with him to play catch up over the weekend. I'm just not sure what to do, just going down that spiral. And here it is.
Speaker 1:I'm in the parent pickup line on Friday. The teacher comes to the car and I'm like, oh my God, like now she's got something else to tell me, because she's telling me to pull the car over so we can have a quick chat. And here it is. I'm kind of bracing myself for that moment. And she just wanted to let me know that the homework that she texts me about, oh, it was in his folder in the classroom. So he's been doing the homework this whole time and I just went down this spiral and this whirlwind of panic of how are we going to play catch up? Did he learn the concepts? Like, how are we going to practice and play catch up if he never did these assignments? And now I'm feeling like, oh well, that was shitty.
Speaker 1:Because here it is, he told me he did something and I should have trusted him and maybe I should have had a different response, like, well, let me just talk to him and see what's going on. I wish that would have been my initial thought, but it wasn't. So it's things like that, um, that I'd like to just raise awareness to myself, mainly so that those behaviors I can kind of fix, because, had his teacher, what if his teacher didn't discover the homework until Monday? Then I probably would have given my son some kind of consequence for and told him, like you know, give him that speech. You have to be more responsible. You're going to middle school next year. If you're in middle school and you don't turn in your homework, you're going to get a zero, you're going to get an f, like all of these conversations would have happened. And here it is. He was doing the right thing the whole time.
Speaker 1:So it's moments like that where I wish, as a parent, I was able to kind of catch myself a little earlier before that spiral happens, so that I don't create a series of negative experiences and negative interactions, right. So those are those shitty mom moments and those shitty mom behaviors that I like to highlight, because with any behavior that you're targeting in the world of behavior therapy, you can always come up with a replacement behavior right, or an antecedent strategy, which is something, a strategy that you do before the behavior even starts right. So for me, maybe one of those things would be to just practice saying it out loud. Well, let me talk to my son first, to see what's going on. Something as simple as that can kind of stop that whole downward spiral. So that's something that I'm kind of working on myself to improve those behaviors.
Speaker 1:And hopefully, if you're a mom out there struggling with the same mindset and you go into this panic mode, maybe you can try that strategy. It's something that's free, it doesn't cost anything, anybody can try it. And maybe you can use that strategy is something that's free, it doesn't cost anything, anybody can try it. And maybe you can use that with your kiddos so you don't have these negative, shitty mom experiences. Or if you have a significant other, you can apply these strategies to a significant other as well, so that you're just not banking and racking up these shitty experiences because of, basically, behaviors that you're choosing to engage in. And that's not to say that it's easy to change your behavior. It takes practice because these are behaviors, behavior sequences and behavior chains, as we call them. These are cycles of behavior that we have maintained for years, right? So you have to put a little more effort into changing those things, all right?
Speaker 1:The next question what are your three biggest challenges as a mom? I feel like I talk about this a lot on the show, but for those of you who are new to the show, I think number one, the biggest challenge for me, is managing, like, that panic mode. Right, there's, I think there's a certain level of insecurity that just comes along the territory with motherhood. We don't get a guide, we don't get an instructional manual, so every experience is like a new experience. Every age is a new age where you have to learn different things about your child and you have to give them what they need, and those needs are constantly changing because they're constantly changing. So just not going into panic mode as that first instinct, I think that's a big challenge for me.
Speaker 1:The next challenge I'll say striking the balance, and honestly, I don't even know why I said striking the balance, because I really don't believe in the concept of balance. I don't think that. I don't think balance exists. I like to describe motherhood as as a struggle and juggle Right.
Speaker 1:So my approach to motherhood and the approaches that I've seen, the common thread is that you can't do it all. I think when we talk about balance, it implies that you can do everything. It's just you do it at a certain level or a certain capacity. And just from my personal and professional experience, I don't think that is true. Um, I haven't seen it done. I don't know anyone who's doing everything and just balancing it's really more like a juggling act. So it's better to focus your attention on one thing and and put some other things on the back burner and then, when that one thing has been achieved and that fire is put out now you can focus your attention on something else. So I think the struggle and juggle of motherhood is a challenge.
Speaker 1:And then me, the last one would be, I guess, maintaining an identity outside of motherhood, because it can be all consuming, right. So I know it's important to maintain an identity outside of motherhood, but I haven't personally or professionally figured out a way to do that. So and that's another reason why I like to talk to different moms, because somebody's out there doing it how did they do it? What do you do? What are you telling yourself? I would love to tap into those experiences, to share those things with other moms who have common goals for themselves.
Speaker 1:Um, some strategies that I have developed to overcome challenges. I would say first and foremost, uh, being honest with myself and where I stand as a mom. I think it takes a level of security to be able to do that. I think I'm more accepting of who I am as a person and who I am as a mom. So just acknowledging, hey, I am not perfect, I'm not trying to uphold a perfect image.
Speaker 1:I do not have the perfect mother and son relationship, I don't have the perfect family unit and I acknowledge that a lot of the times, even with my background, with my professional background. You know that's professional, this is personal, this is family. Oftentimes I've just been honest with my son because I did recognize recently that even my son puts me on this pedestal of like mom, she's perfect, mom doesn't make mistakes, mom knows the answer, mom can fix everything, and I'm just like wait a minute, those expectations are a little too high. Bring it down. Like bring it all the way down. So I definitely acknowledge that I am not perfect, my family isn't perfect, our relationships aren't perfect, but I'm willing to try to improve them and I think that is a strategy that has taken time to develop.
Speaker 1:It has taken a lot of soul searching to do those things and there's a certain level of comfort and confidence that now comes along with acknowledging hey, I'm not perfect, but we'll figure it out together. And I think, using that approach with my family, with my son in particular, I'm kind of letting him know as well look, I don't know, but as your mom, I'm going to do everything that I can to try to figure it out. And if I can't figure it out, we'll find somebody that can help us. And everybody needs help. So, and admitting to my faults, talking about those faults openly and seeking help with the deficits that I have as a human being, as a parent, as a professional, those are things that have. Those are strategies that have really helped me along the way, helped me along the way. I definitely have learned how to share the load with my significant other.
Speaker 1:So, again, if, for those of you who know me personally, you know that I am not that person or that mom who goes out and tries to do everything as matter of fact, now I'm kind of the opposite, like, hey, let me let you know what I can and cannot do. Those expectations are a little too high. Those demands are a little too high. You're asking for too much. I do not hold back anymore and I am not a control freak anymore. I am not that type A personality because, honestly, it's exhausting.
Speaker 1:So if my significant other, if he steps in and he has a way of helping out, I just let him. He may do things that are totally different. His approach may be completely different from my approach and I'm okay with that. It took some time to be okay with that, but I'm okay with that because I would rather have the help and I would rather have the support as opposed to trying to do everything on my own. And sometimes his approach is a lot better than my approach. Right, his approach yields better outcomes than my approach would, and that's okay with me. I'm totally fine with that. So those are strategies that have helped me just really cope with the challenges of motherhood and, honestly, it has really enhanced my parenting experience, my personal experience. Um, it has taken a lot of stress off of me just accepting that sometimes I need help and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1:Um, do I have a mommy village? I always ask my special guests like, hey, do you have that or don't you? Um, for me I would say I have a limited, limited mommy village. So I definitely have. I don't know. Somehow, some way I've cultivated this kind of network of moms that I can really reach out to. I can be very transparent with what's going on and get advice for different things, whether it's like health and nutrition. If I want to do something or implement something within the family unit and I need a little guidance on it, because that's not my area of expertise I have my moms that I can reach out for that. I have moms that I can really reach out for that emotional support when I am feeling overwhelmed. There is no judgment. They can give me a lot of insight and a lot of pointers to different resources that I may need. I think that's one way that I was able to get my son diagnosed with ADHD, which eventually led to my own diagnosis of ADHD just having transparent conversations with that network of moms in my mommy village and getting some insight from them. So, yes, I do have a village that helps in that regard.
Speaker 1:When it comes to, let's say, things like babysitting or people watching your kid or things like that, we have a very small network of people, not even a network. We have a small set of people that we trust to kind of look out for our son when, whenever something comes up and we need him there, so they they usually really come through for us when we absolutely need it. But other than that it's just me and my significant other and we kind of tackle things as they come. We have developed a great partnership when it comes to parenting. We have developed a great partnership when it comes to our own relationship where we really just support each other and where one is lacking, the other kind of picks up the slack and and vice versa. So the mommy village is small but it's mighty um for my really close friends. Sometimes we don't talk every day, our kids don't play together, our kids don't see each other, but I know I do have that select few that if I really need them they are there, they're in our corner. So that's what my mommy village looks like.
Speaker 1:The next question how do you cope with what I call shitty mom syndrome? Are either overcome with guilt or disappointment when you realize that you have failed to meet your own expectations as a mom. So oftentimes, moms, mom, guilt comes into play when something takes precedence over something else that should have been done with your child. Ideally, we love to romanticize the thought of putting your family first, putting your child first, but sometimes that isn't really practical. It's not something that we can do all the time, and I think a lot of pressure is definitely put on moms to meet the demands of their child. Every single demand, every single need, every single whim, every single concern. Um, it's really the burden of the mom to meet all of those expectations, to be there for all of those special moments all the time. So, as parents and as mothers, we often tell ourselves that that is our job as a mom, and if we can't do that job, then you're a bad mom or you're a shitty mom, or you have failed as a mom. You haven't met those expectations. So that's where the term is derived, or that's how the term is defined, right? So how do I cope with it?
Speaker 1:I think a lot of times times my coping style has been, I guess, the approach of prevention. Again, early on, when I was starting my career, I always had the mindset that I wanted to be the person in charge of my schedule and in charge of my income, because I did want to make sure that I was there for those moments. So early on, my goal was always to set myself up to have a career that would afford me the flexibility to where I could be a mom that was present, I could be a working mom. Flexibility to where I could be a mom that was present, I could be a working mom. I decided early on that I did not want to be a stay at home mom. That really wasn't something for me. But I also did not want to sacrifice any of my career goals and aspirations for the sake of motherhood. So my solution to that was to further along my education and really put myself in a position to be a boss and call the shots.
Speaker 1:And I will say I underestimated how much work going goes into being a boss and a mom, being an entrepreneur. It takes a lot more work. In my opinion, now that I'm experiencing these things on the other side of the token, these things on the other side of the token it's more work than working for someone else. So the saying you have to pay the cost to be the boss, that is real. It holds a lot of weight. But that was something that I knew early on, that in order for me to really be present in child rearing and in the growth and development of my own child, I would need to put myself in a position where I was able to call the shots.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes, from my experience, I've witnessed other mothers who really have to choose between a career and motherhood and a lot of times the moms who choose to pursue motherhood they kind of delay their career aspirations or they delay furthering along their education until they feel like they have gotten their kids to a point where they can kind of stand on their own and be a little more independent and now you can kind of pick up where you left off. So that is not something that I wanted to do for myself. Again, I consider myself to be a very ambitious person when it comes to career and education. I'm very driven in that regard. I like the idea of controlling my own money. It never sat well with me Sitting in on on interviews, trying to negotiate a certain salary, knowing the skill set that I can bring to the table for an organization, and going in knowing that I would not be financially compensated for the skill set that I have and the things. I considered myself to be a very successful and phenomenal teacher and it just it never sat right with me knowing that my income level, really it wouldn't change if I showed up and excelled as a teacher in the classroom or if I showed up and did the bare minimum as a teacher in the classroom. Either way, my pay was the same, my income was the same and nothing changed. So I wanted a little more autonomy and a little more control over my finances.
Speaker 1:So I have always so I have always held that in the forefront and the structure of my family and I knew that the only way to get over that mom guilt and that shitty mom syndrome is to put myself in a position where I could call the shots. So if something comes up with my kid, I'm not begging someone for time off, you know what? Hey, my kid needs me, I'm out and I don't have to answer to anyone. I'm in that position now, but it did take time. I think I have a lot of flexibility now that I didn't have before, but it's also more work because I have a lot more responsibility than I had before. But I'm okay with the extra responsibility if that means I can call the shots and I can be there for my kid when it matters the most and I don't have to answer to anyone and I don't have to sacrifice any income either while doing those things. So that was my solution to a shitty mom syndrome, and I definitely, definitely acknowledge that everyone is not in a position to do that.
Speaker 1:So, knowing that, I added that as an interview question and that's something that I try to ask all of my moms, because, guess what? I've interviewed moms on the show who have very rigid schedules and structures when it comes to work. They don't really work in mommy friendly environments. So calling into work, hey I'm going to be late, hey I'm not going to be able to come up, come in today, my kid has this going on. Everyone does not have that option and I acknowledge that. So I want to know what other moms are doing to cope when they don't have those options available to them.
Speaker 1:The next question is what are some behaviors or habits that I would like to change? I feel like I've addressed this already, with me going into panic mode as an initial response. So I really want to be that mom that kind of thinks, and just a mom who has more wisdom. That's one thing that I would really like to develop. I don't just want to blindly navigate my way through motherhood because this is my first child and I know a lot of people say, oh, your first kid is the experiment. I just want to be a little wiser with the things that I show him and the way that I live my own life.
Speaker 1:Because, whether we acknowledge it or not, as parents, we are our child's first teacher. Whether we're trying to teach them something intentionally or not, our kids are always watching, so we can inadvertently teach them habits and skills and coping mechanisms. That may not be the healthiest way to live your life as an adult, but they're always watching, so we're teaching them, whether we realize it or not. So me personally acknowledging that fact that I'm always on that stage, my kid is always watching. Whether I want him to learn certain habits or not, he's going to pick up on those things. So, being a parent that guides my child with more understanding and wisdom, those are some habits that I really want to develop for myself in the years to come, and even, and. When I say in the years to come, and even and when I say in the years to come, I know it's going to take time, but those are things that I'm actively working towards doing right now, because the older he gets, you know the panicking, the overreacting, those are things that are going to make him kind of shut down and put up some barriers. And as we enter, as he starts to enter into this world of a tween and a preteen, you know he's going to need me, he's going to need a parent who's able to balance those things out so that I can give him guidance when he needs it and give him a place to feel comfortable enough to confide in when he needs that as well. So those are habits that I would like to change and, yes, I am actively working towards doing those things at this time.
Speaker 1:The next question what are some rewards that I have experienced as a mom? Rewards that I have experienced as a mom I can say watching my little one grow up and become his own person has been the most rewarding. I think it scares me sometimes, but I am so proud because he is very unapologetic about who he is, he is who he is and he has this certain level of confidence in himself where he doesn't really hide that from the world. Now, as a parent raising a young black man, it's terrifying to have a child who is confident, who is outspoken, because the world does not want that. And I see that now.
Speaker 1:Right now it causes a lot of challenges and struggles that we have encountered, especially in school. Usually that's where his social interactions occur and the world does not want that. His school does not want that, the teachers don't want that, and it's not just him. That is a common thread and a common challenge for young black males in society, right it's? Or black males in general. It's just that at this age we are learning those hard lessons through school, which is heartbreaking to witness as a mom and as a parent, because school is supposed to be that place where they thrive, they are nurtured, they get an opportunity to grow Um, and it's supposed to be that safe space where children are allowed to make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, to get coached when they don't make the right choice or they don't make the best choices.
Speaker 1:And unfortunately for black males, school is not the place for that. It's quite the contrary, and I say this from personal experience as a mom and I also say it from experience as a professional. There are plenty of times where, as a professional, I am called into the schools to intervene, I am called to sit in on a meeting or on a team, a behavioral team, to come up with interventions. And a lot of the times it's heartbreaking to see that even schools, teachers, administrators, they don't give the same level of grace and understanding to children of color and it permeates all throughout the culture of those schools. It permeates and spreads throughout the culture of school districts.
Speaker 1:And I'm not saying that these attacks are intentional. I think it is a blind spot. But a lot of the times I think the treatment of children of color and specifically black males in these different institutions it's a conscious decision to ignore the problem. To ignore the problem simply because it's a lot easier to ignore the problem than to address it. So my reward as a mom also comes with a certain level of fear and I think a lot of the time that's where all of my panic and anxiety comes from and my overreactions with my son.
Speaker 1:It often comes from a place of if you say this or if you do that in front of the wrong person, it may be perceived this way, right in a negative light, and we know that in our country for young black males they only have a limited amount of time to where those disapprovals now turn into perceived threats in society, right, and it happens a lot faster with children of color. It happens a whole lot faster with black boys, and what I'm describing here we call it adultification, right. So a lot more responsibility, a lot less leniency is granted towards children of color. When they are younger, they are perceived to be more advanced, right. They're perceived to be more advanced, right. They're perceived to be more knowledgeable. They're perceived to be more malicious than their peers who are of different ethnicities. And experiencing this as a parent has been terrifying, because a lot of the times I don't think that the teachers and the, the child care providers are even aware of, are aware of their own social biases towards children. And it's also for me it's rewarding to see that my son is able to hold his own through these different encounters. He is still his own person. He is so resilient, right. The microaggressions that he encounters at school and in aftercare and in these different social settings and even in extracurricular activities, it doesn't bother him. I feel like right now, because he's young, he doesn't really notice it, and it's rewarding to see when he does notice it and and how he's able to come to terms and understand what's happening and still navigate his way through those situations.
Speaker 1:Um, the last basketball season that we had, we had a referee who was like adamant to really make sure to prove a point. You know, these are kids playing basketball. My son is pretty good with basketball and we just started and there was a coach who was adamant to make it his personal goal to try to humble my son through it. And it was just amazing to see my son kind of work his way through it. And after the games he would always talk about different things that he wanted to do better for himself next time. And I remember one of the conversations that we had.
Speaker 1:It was leading up to like the playoffs in the very last game of the season and I just kind of having conversation, talking about the growth that we've witnessed with my son playing basketball during that season, I was like, hey, what's one of the goals that you have for this last game? And he just, despite everything that was going on, he was like you know, I really want to pass the ball to one of the kids on the team. I don't wanna say his name, but there was a kid on the team who was very small, extremely shy, not too athletic and he was like my goal is, I just want to clear the way and get the ball to him so he can make a shot, because he hasn't scored a point the whole season and before the end of the season I just want to give him a chance to get the ball so he can make a point before the season ends. And it was just like one of those moments like wow, that's what you took.
Speaker 1:Because for me the whole basketball season was stressful. There was a referee that we couldn't do anything about it. He was definitely a lot harder on our son with his calls than any of the other players and it was obvious. It was blatant. As a parent, there's nothing you can do about it. You see your kids struggling to get through a game and you just have to let them experience it. And it was nice to see that, despite everything going on throughout that game and that season, that was his focus.
Speaker 1:So those moments are the most rewarding, because sometimes I feel like, as a parent, we're doing all this coaching and talking and you know we have very difficult conversations with our kids and sometimes they just really don't understand the points that we're trying to drive home, or it seems like they don't understand the points that we're trying to drive home. And then, out of the blue, you know, you just kind of see these moments where they just they, they're listening, they've acquired some form of insight to what you've been saying, they've managed to internalize it and apply it to what's going on in their life at the moment. So I think those things are the most rewarding, because then it feels like, okay, something is sinking in, I'm getting through somewhere and he's listening, he's going to be okay. So those are the most rewarding moments as a mom and as a parent, because my goal is just to know that when I'm not here anymore, he's gonna be okay. I've done everything that I can do to give him the tools and the skills that he needs to be able to take care of himself when we're no longer here. So to get those brief moments to feel like that reassurance is there that he's going to be okay, he can take care of himself. He's seen this, you know. He's seen me do it, he's seen his dad do it. He's going to be okay.
Speaker 1:Those are the most rewarding moments to me as a parent and as a mom, and that's also what keeps me motivated, the more growth that I see within him, the more opportunities that I'm able to provide him with, to give him insight into the rest of the world, the world outside of his little bubble, and the possibility of different choices that he has for his life. I want him to be inspired. I want him to be able to think outside the box. Those are the things that keep me motivated. I'm constantly thinking of different ways to explore the world around us so that he feels like he has the confidence to be able to pursue anything that he's seen, anything that's been able to pique his interest. I want him to feel that pique in his interest and then actually know that he has the skill set to go out and pursue those things. As a parent, as a mom, that's what keeps me the most motivated, because if you have that motivation and the interest and the desire, then no one can stop you, no matter what your circumstances are. It doesn't matter. If you're motivated, if you're interested, that's all you need. Everything else will fall into place. Everything else you can really figure out how to achieve the goals that you set for yourself. So that is what keeps me motivated as a mom, because I need to know that he's been exposed to different things and he has the confidence to go in the direction of his choice, knowing that he can have control over his destiny and his outcomes. That's what keeps me motivated.
Speaker 1:Next question it says which philosophy describes your current status as a mom and why so. My two options are work-life balance or struggle and juggle, and I kind of answered that earlier before one of the breaks. I definitely think struggle and juggle is going to be the ongoing theme for me as a mom. I don't believe in balance. Balance implies that you can have everything at the same time. I don't think it's practical and I don't put those goals that aren't really attainable. I don't place those expectations on myself anymore and in doing so, the struggle and juggle approach has, believe it or not, given me a lot of peace with my parenting.
Speaker 1:Now, if I make the decision to focus on one thing, then that's what I'm going to focus on and everything else can fall to the wayside. Something as simple as housework, grocery shopping, laundry that's never ending. If I have something that's more important than that, then guess what? My focus is on this thing right now and I'll get back to that later and that brings me a lot of peace and knowing that I can kind of pick and choose where my focus is going to go. So that's why I like to operationally define that struggle and juggle term that I use so much, because work-life balance for me doesn't really seem attainable.
Speaker 1:That work-life balance really is. I think it fluctuates every day. Sometimes you have to focus on work, sometimes you have to focus on parenting. And when you try to focus on both, sometimes you have to focus on parenting. And when you try to focus on both and balance both, sometimes you end up half-assing both, and sometimes we have to half-ass as parents. It's no shade if you have to half-ass and finagle your way through different situations until you can catch up and get a breath of fresh air. I understand you just have to do what works for you and that's what works for me right now, in this moment. Maybe later on in life I will sing a different tune when I feel like, oh my gosh, I have the work life balance, I have the perfect schedule, everything works out and my routines are always the same. That's the dream. I'm just not sure how realistic that is.
Speaker 1:Next question what advice do you wish you had been given sooner when it comes to motherhood sooner. When it comes to motherhood, um, this question is kind of difficult, um, because I haven't really received a lot of good or positive advice when it comes to motherhood, uh, for different reasons that I won't get into today. But I will say, knowing that it's okay to make a mistake and it's okay to not know, I think that would have saved me a lot of time and a lot of angst if I would have known that it's OK to say you know what I don't know. I think recently I've gotten comfortable with admitting when I don't know. But I feel like a lot of times as a mom, you, we are put in positions to where we're expected to have the answer and sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes we have to go dig and look for the answer, or sometimes, after we've made a decision, then the better option or the the better answer or that insight comes later on. So I think, knowing that I don't have to always have the answer or the right answer and I don't have to know everything, I wish I had that advice a lot sooner. I think it would have saved everyone a lot of angst throughout this experience.
Speaker 1:The next question is what is the best advice that someone has given to you about motherhood and I kind of laughed at this question. Of laughed at this question, um, I will say this is probably the most awkward, uh, situation that I'm about to explain, but I'll do it anyway as briefly as I can. But when I was pregnant, I was shadowing another teacher a veteran teacher at the time and I kind of disclosed to that teacher, who was like my department chairperson at the time. He was a male and he had like three kids of his own. And I just kind of told him like look, you know you're giving me these extra responsibilities but just to clue you in, I had been hiding the pregnancy at the time. So I just wanted to give him a heads up. Look, I can't, I can assume these responsibilities now, but I'm going to be out on leave because I am pregnant. I just haven't told anyone, so you might want to have like a backup plan.
Speaker 1:And he was like okay, okay, when you have this baby, don't let your husband at the time I wasn't married. So he was like don't let, don't let your boyfriend not help with this baby, and whatever he chooses to do with this baby, you let him do it. Don't you step in and don't you help him with this baby, and I'm like what? But he you know, this is a man telling me like, do not help that man, let him struggle, let him figure it out, do not try to be that mom who does everything and oh if, if your husband or if your boyfriend doesn't do it the same way that you do it, then you just step in.
Speaker 1:You know, a lot of times moms have certain things that we want done in a certain way and if our significance, if our significant others don't do things the way that we would do them, then typically we just tend to take over that task, right, because we want it done a certain way. And what ends up happening is you get the mom who's overwhelmed because it's like, oh my God, I have no help, I'm doing everything, I have to do everything by myself. But really you've created this routine and this set of expectations that you are going to handle it all because you want something done a certain way. It all because you want something done a certain way. So that was the best advice that I could have received and I really didn't understand what he was saying to me or why, because he just kind of left it at don't help him with that baby, let him figure it out. So as as I developed as a mom and kind of went through this motherhood experience, that was always in the back of my mind like what was he talking about? You know, shout out to Mr Williams, um, and he, you know, he was a struggling dad on his own. He had two daughters who were musical prodigies, and then he had a son and it was like oh my gosh, this is a completely different experience from the girls and he was a very and is he still is a very hands-on dad. So just hearing from an experienced father kind of telling me like hey, don't help, like I just I didn't really understand where it was coming from, but it always stuck in the back of my mind and I think having that advice really helped me in my relationship because it also allowed me to let my husband feel empowered as a parent.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, as moms, we just develop these routines and we just want people to follow those routines, specifically dads. We want them to follow those routines, specifically dads. We want them to follow the routine. We want them to meet the same expectations that we have. We have it ingrained in our kids that things are supposed to go a certain way because this is how mommy does it, right. And then when those dads step in to try to help out and give you a hand and relieve you from some of that stress, if they don't do it our way, we have the tendency to just cut them off at the knees. Nope, I got it. Don't do it. What are you doing? That's not how it's supposed to be done. Get out of the way. And a lot of the times for us we're looking from it. We're looking at it from the standpoint of we want things done efficiently or we have a rhyme and a reason to the way that we're doing things. And guess what? They may not do things the same way that we do it, but let them do it their way. Let them do it their way.
Speaker 1:You know, when you kind of cut them off and tell them not to help, it, almost it implies that you can't do it right, I don't need your help, and it it makes them feel like you know they can't actively participate. So then you kind of get these situations where you know moms are talking about how stressed out they are and they don't get enough help, not realizing that you had the help. The help just didn't look the way you wanted it. And now you've discouraged that person, you know, you've punished their behavior of helping. So now, to avoid any type of consequence or aversive interactions with you, they stay out of the way. You've told them repeatedly nope, I got it, I'll do it. And now they're letting you do it because they want to avoid that conflict, they want to avoid that aversive interaction with you, aversive interaction with you. So now you're doing everything by yourself and you're stuck doing everything by yourself.
Speaker 1:So sometimes you have to take the help as it comes, and I think that's what Mr Williams was really trying to explain to me early on. Don't start your relationship, don't start your motherhood experience with doing everything. If he wants to do something, let him do it and let him figure out a way that works for him and be okay with allowing him to do it his way. And I've always kept that in mind. That really guides a lot of our parenting experiences, a lot of our parenting experiences. And even with my son he kind of knows before he would kind of do a double take like, uh, dad, what dad's gonna do it, dad, what are you doing. But now my son is able to discriminate between the two of us when, when you're with mom, this is how things go, when you're with dad, this is how things go, and it is what it is, and he just has to pivot and that's okay with me. So that was the best advice that I was given. So that brings us to the end of the show.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening to this special episode, getting to know me if you hung out to the end of the show. Thank you so much for listening to this special episode, getting to know me if you hung out to the end of the show. Thank you so much. You are greatly appreciated. I hope I dropped a few gems and I hope you return to the next episode with our next special guest. Thank you so much for listening.
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