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For Shxtty Moms
“For Shxtty Moms” is a behavior change podcast for mom’s who are holding on by a thread. Listen as we talk to real moms about the challenges of motherhood; while exploring different strategies to help moms alike get their shxt together!
For Shxtty Moms
EP 15: The Guilt-Free Dad: Why This Father Makes No Apologies for Pushing His Kids
What happens when you approach parenting like an investment strategy? In this refreshingly candid conversation, real estate agent Alan Monica pulls back the curtain on fatherhood as a dad of triplets—identical twin girls and a fraternal boy.
Alan brings a unique perspective that many parents might find liberating: complete freedom from parental guilt when pushing his children toward excellence. "Until you turn 18, you have to do this stuff if we tell you to," he explains with a laugh, detailing how he evaluates his children's activities based on their potential long-term benefits rather than immediate enjoyment. This "return on investment" approach led his family to prioritize piano and singing for his daughters over cheerleading, which he viewed as having limited future applications.
The discussion reveals how Alan balances the unpredictable "feast or famine" nature of real estate work with his parenting responsibilities. From navigating school pickup lines to coordinating extracurricular schedules, he shares practical insights on time management that working parents will appreciate. He's refreshingly honest about leaning on his partner Maria, whom he credits as "the backbone" of their family unit.
Perhaps most compelling is Alan's commitment to modeling the behaviors he expects from his children. After receiving concerning health news, he changed his diet and exercise habits, explaining: "I don't want to be the kind of dad that just verbally says it. I want to try my best to show it as well." This authenticity extends to his parenting philosophy: "Go with your gut—what I want to see them doing, what I feel is right, I just try to push it."
Whether you're a mom seeking perspective on co-parenting, a dad looking for solidarity, or anyone interested in a straightforward approach to raising confident, skilled children, Alan's stories will leave you questioning your own parental guilt and considering whether a more decisive approach might benefit your family. Take a listen and reconsider what it means to truly invest in your children's future.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Meet Alan: Real Estate Agent and Father of Triplets
9:05 - The Challenges of Real Estate and Parenthood
20:41 - Parenting Style and Extracurricular Strategy
31:31 - The Return on Investment Approach to Activities
45:28 - Leading by Example and Modeling Behaviors
54:02 - Dealing with Loss and Final Parenting Advice
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmom at gmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. M-o-m at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:It's time to put the kids to bed. So y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. All right, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of FSM. I'm your host, dr Lori, and today we have a very special guest. This episode is coming out just in time for Father's Day, so we're doing things a little different this time around we are having a dad as a guest instead of a mom. So, without further ado, I'm going to let our special guest introduce himself and we'll get started.
Speaker 3:Hey everybody, how's it going? My name's Alan Monica, I am a father of three they're actually triplets, identical twin girls and a fraternal boy and I'm a real estate agent and I've been with my significant other, maria, for 17 years.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, Okay, Awesome, and then okay. So you already went over your occupation and gave us some insight. So this episode I wanted to just kind of highlight and talk about the experience. We always talk about motherhood and how challenging that is. I think you can. You hear, you hear about that across the board, but we rarely get insight from dads right? So this time around I just want to take some insight from your experience and I'd just like to hear from a different perspective, and I'm sure the audience will as well. So, with you being in real estate, I'm just curious to know is this like an industry that you would consider parent friendly? How does that look for you with the course of a day or in the course of a week? How does that work, especially if you have three kiddos?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I do feel like being a real estate agent. It is a parent friendly occupation. Ok.
Speaker 3:Because I can you know, within reason, I can kind of tailor my schedule. Like, if my son is a soccer game that I really have to be at, I can you know, try to not work at that time, tried to not work at that time. If somebody wants to see homes at 12 o'clock but my son's game is at 12 o'clock, I can tell them, hey, let's go at two o'clock instead of 12. And normally people are pretty flexible. I mean, if somebody's really coming up towards a deadline and they have to move, must move, that can get a little bit hectic. I'll have to kind of make myself available for my client. But most of the time I can tailor, make my schedule so I can be with the family and get my work done.
Speaker 1:Okay and without, because I know I've spoken to like a couple of moms from time to time just kind of hesitant about getting into the field of real estate because there's that component, I guess, the sales component. So explain what that looks like to someone who really doesn't know how it works for you guys, how does that really work?
Speaker 3:Um, as far as what getting the sales done Well this you mean getting closings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, that's kind of the scary part about the business. Even somebody like me who has sold, you know, hundreds of homes now at this point I can even get slow from time to time and it does get. That's the challenge does get, that's that's the challenge. Um, trying to stay busy and and you know they say always be closing, kind of abc, always be closing. Um. But sometimes it's a little difficult and different deals can fall apart from time to time and, uh, when you don't sell or you don't rent properties, you don't make money. So that is the scary part.
Speaker 3:Some people also use the phrase feast or famine, because you can make a bunch of money in one month and then maybe you'll go two months and you won't make any money. So you have to know how to budget your income and kind of be smart with your money when you do make it and put it into advertising and keep speaking to past clients and try to find new clients. And also, when the interest rates are high and the stock market is going crazy, kind of like right now, it might make less deals happen overall and that's something that you know. We can try our best to fight through and get things done, but sometimes in the real estate market there's just less closings, and that's always a factor.
Speaker 1:Okay, so how did you get started? And usually I ask these questions because we do have listeners who may be considering going into the field, so I like to give them a little more insight going into the field. So I like to give them a little more insight so they have an idea of how to make this a practical transition for themselves. So what advice would you give and what have you seen?
Speaker 3:Oh, how I actually got into it. I have a friend of mine that used to manage clubs and he actually got into it. He went and got his real estate license and he just knew that. I grew up in the area and I knew a good amount of people and he actually gave me the idea and I had the triplets on the way as well. So I was kind of looking for a career change and he was like Alan, you know, you can get your real estate license in in a few weeks. You should just do it, just go for it. Um, you can do a class. It's a you can. You can take it over, I think, a three month period or you can get it done in one week.
Speaker 3:Like it's like a 60 hour course. If you could uh free up a week, you could go in and sit there I think it was 8am to 6pm for six days straight and then you go take a. You take the class test right there in the class and then you take a state exam and if you pass that you have your real estate license. Oh, wow, okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So it's something that you can get into pretty quick. I mean, the test is it's not just easy, like you have to pay attention, you have to study, but if you do it's definitely a passable test. And then, once I got the license, I just was kind of like man, I want to do a deal, I just want to get a deal done, I want to. And I started with a rental. I got a rental done and then I did a handful of rentals and then I got my first sale and then I was like wow, I mean you make pretty good money off this business. And then I got more serious into it and friends of mine started to see that I was doing it and they kind of started to reach out here and there and it kind of just worked out and became my thing.
Speaker 1:Right and I can say so. I always like to give a little background information on how I know the guests. And Alan, you actually helped my husband and I with our home and get our home. We were in a situation where we were just like this is not working out anymore, our rental situation wasn't working out anymore, and just trying to navigate that whole process and not knowing where to start, I will say we kind of, I guess, just call the signs.
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes you see the signs on the side of the road and after just calling people, cold calling people trying to look at houses that you were interested in, we did that for about a month and it was like, okay, we're in way over our head and my husband was kind of like, oh, let me call my friend. And from there I feel like you just kind of took over, you took charge, you told us what we needed to do and you got it done um quickly. It wasn't a headache, you, I don't know, you just had whatever we were looking for. You had it and that was it. So thank you for all of your help and just is awesome to see how much you really do impact other people, and for us. We kind of went through the process and it was all over the place trying to get documentation that we didn't know about meeting with process. So as someone like brand new, not knowing, what to do.
Speaker 1:You definitely made it a seamless process for us. But I've always wondered, like how do people do this for a living? Because it seems really fast. It seems like you those deadlines trying to beat other buyers, trying to put in your offer before someone else. I've heard horror stories from other people going through that process and just kind of putting in offers sight unseen, and we did not have that experience with you, so I really appreciate that. But just going back to the experience of juggling, so I know you said the flexibility with the schedule helps you with the juggling. So, with that being said, what are, like, some of your biggest challenges with juggling? Career and parenthood?
Speaker 3:Time management sometimes is a factor. Um, and just now, my my, uh, my girl recently started to work again for a while. She wasn't okay. Well, now I'm picking the kids up from school um, four days out of the week. She gets them one day when she's off. Oh, wow.
Speaker 3:Well, that kind of it was something new. I could kind of there was no, I didn't have to do that for four years and now I do it's so I have to go grab them and so I have to make sure I never have anything going on, basically like 1.30 to 2.30.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, so you're doing that parent pickup line and all that good stuff.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I found it's kind of funny. I found a house where this guy lives. He lets me park in his driveway so I, and then I can just kind of walk up and get there, okay. So I kind of found a way to do it quick. So you know, whatever the situation, I'm trying to figure out a way to, you know, make it better. And I did with getting them, but still it's the other schools all the way in West Lake Worth and luckily I'm able to. Their mom works in a place where I can drop them off, so I can kind of pick them up and if I have something going on right away I can take them to to where their mom is and I can get back to work. But I still have to make sure I always have that hour open.
Speaker 1:OK and so that definitely, you definitely have to be on it, because you know they're going to get out the same exact time every single day, no matter what.
Speaker 3:And sometimes they get a little mad at me. If I get there a little late, they'll all yell at me Ah, where were you? They were about to make us go in back. I guess, if you you end up too late, the, the, the administrators will make the kids go back into the school. Yep, that hasn't happened yet, thank goodness, so it's. It's came close a few times, but it hasn't happened yet. They've been like where's your dad? You guys are going to have to come back in. I'll be here and then I show up right in time.
Speaker 1:So OK, so what about? Are they in any extracurriculars? How do you factor that in?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so my daughters, they actually do choir with the elementary school. Okay, so there is a day when my son gets out. I have to go pick him up, and then this day I I don't, I don't drop him off with mom, I just have to go get my son. We go home for about 45 minutes and then I have to come back to the school to get my daughters because they have choir. That's only one day a week. And then, um, my son, my son is in soccer and he has soccer practice, I think three days a week, and, um, maria actually always make sure he make sure he gets to the practices because those are in the evening.
Speaker 1:So okay you know, partner up I was gonna say sounds like you kind of tag. So how would you describe yourself as a dad?
Speaker 3:I would say proud. I'm a proud dad. That's kind of, I guess, one word to sum it up. My kids are always, you know, putting a smile on my face. They're always impressing me with just their talent and their personalities. So they just make me feel proud a lot. I just say I'm a proud dad.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's awesome. And what about your parenting style? Do you kind of use a different style for each kid? What does that look like?
Speaker 3:I'm pretty laid back. I kind of treat them. Um, you know, I treat them uh, I I kind of put pressure on them in a sense, as as far as just focusing on the sports and focusing on my girls. They sing and play piano okay.
Speaker 3:So I don't really cut them any slack in those areas. Like I tell my son he needs to go outside and run. I tell my daughters they need to practice on the piano. I tell them they need to go over the songs they're learning all the time. So I'm, you know, pretty pushy with that type of stuff, not in like a mean way or anything, it's just I try to keep them doing it, not in like a mean way or anything, it's just I try to keep them doing it. And when it comes to um, I guess, uh, if they act up which they don't act up very often usually I let their mom handle it. Maria kind of handles it, tells them to relax. But if they're getting a little too much, I just kind of have to raise my voice a bit and they calm down. Okay, I just get real loud and kind of scream real quick and scare them and they relax.
Speaker 1:You know what that's like, the dad effect. Though the dads just you know moms can yell all day long and I don't even think it goes in one ear and out the other long, and it, it. I don't even think it goes in one ear and out the other.
Speaker 3:I feel like dads have that one like they raise their voice, angry voice come out, they, they stop whatever I don't like. So that's, it's a good thing, because I don't want to have to, you know, make more of an example. You know, I never have had to, or anything, get angrier than that.
Speaker 1:It's just I'll scream and yell real loud and then they get a little scared and they fall in line so is it just the two of you like mom and dad, it's just the two of you who help out with the kids, or do you have like family, who kind of?
Speaker 3:helps. My parents are here for six months and when they're here they spend some time with the kids. Um Maria's parents live, live not too far away.
Speaker 3:They're in Boca okay um, when they were babies, her parents helped a lot, a lot more. It was really I was out working a lot, um, trying to just keep things going on and dealing with, you know, just the transition in life from going from having no kids to three, yeah, and her mom would would come over a lot when they were babies and she would help help out with bath time and bedtime OK, when we had the three little ones there and. But she ended up really getting it down pat to where her mom only really had to come over and help with it until maybe they were two, three years old, something like that. And then she was she. She was really good at at handling it all, um, and and and really that was like her full-time thing. And I remember we had at one conversation, um, when they were little and they, you know, they had kept us both up and she was like telling me that she was stressed out and, um, it was tough and and I was like, look you, you know you really wanted these babies.
Speaker 3:We both wanted these babies, like, like there's, you know, we just got to do it basically and I only had to kind of say that one time, and then it was like she always just held it down. After that it was no more like, no more complaining, or no more like oh my God, this is so much work with three kids she just handled it.
Speaker 1:I got lucky, and that's that's important. I feel like it's hard to have those conversations, but at least you guys have that level of understanding where you can have those difficult conversations and kind of come up with a solution and really troubleshoot, because we only have one um and me and my husband like it's just the two of us and we don't really have like both of our parents grandparents they still work right so that extra help we don't really have like both of our parents grandparents they still work Right, so that extra help we don't really have it. Even my friends usually that's kind of like our support system in our village, if they're available, but they're doing the same hustle and bustle that that we're doing, but they're doing the same hustle and bustle that we're doing. So when we can try to tag team and trade off and hey, you watch my kid, I have this going on or if I have to call them to do like an emergency pickup or something like that, it's probably just one person to call. So sometimes we have to have that conversation as well, because it goes into all right, my son wanted to do like the basketball season was coming up, but he just started middle school.
Speaker 1:Middle school is a whole nother beast like elementary. We kind of took some time to figure that out, but you know that schedule once you got it down, that's a lot of time. If you pick him up from school around two o'clock, from two until like bedtime, you have a lot of flexibility that he comes home with every day, trying to get him to be more independent. So now he's riding the bus. The bus gets stuck in traffic so he doesn't even get off of the bus until like after five o'clock. So trying to squeeze in extracurricular activities, we can't even get started until about 536 o'clock, so that kind of and God forbid, he has homework that night. So we had to have like a new set of conversations like all right, we're trying to race to get to like aftercare or basketball practice in the middle of the week. After basketball practice, let's say it's seven o'clock, we still got gotta eat dinner, god forbid, he has homework like that's the whole night, you know. So we've just been trying to troubleshoot and figure it out for him and we even put sports like he'll. He's practicing now but just for this first year. Um, we've kind of put sports on the back burner, right, so he can still practice. He can still do conditioning, but making it to a six o'clock practice is not really in the cards for us in the middle of the week. So that was a conversation that we had to have. He goes to tutoring two days a week. He plays piano one day a week and then he has to practice when he's not at piano practice. So it's still a lot of juggling and just moving things around and that's just with one kid.
Speaker 1:So I can't even imagine, like how you guys are maintaining your sanity with three. And they're all the same age. So it's not like you have a break there either. But I do follow you on social media and you seem pretty like cool as a cucumber. You don't seem like you're stressing out too much.
Speaker 1:So that's why I like to ask these questions to get a little more insight, because I'm sure parents, either who have kids your age or who have kids at a younger age, are just trying to figure out how do you balance and juggle all of this stuff, like all of your work responsibilities, then trying to stay on top of academics, trying to give your kids, like additional life skills through extracurricular activities and then even making sure they know how to relax themselves, because that's another thing that for us we had to start factoring in, like, oh man, when do you get a break? You know, with all these different things, school is the priority. But also, just for us, we've been trying to show him like, okay, you do have a chance to have some downtime. We're not gonna to keep putting pressure on you because with us he doesn't like piano at all, like he doesn't want to do anything with music, but it's a great skill to have right, and if you, once you learn that skill, you can take it anywhere. So he likes to perform, he likes to do shows, shows. He doesn't like to practice. So we're trying to get him to make that connection. Like nobody wants to see you perform if you haven't practiced. Nobody wants to hear that. Like I don't know what kind of song that's gonna sound like if you haven't practiced.
Speaker 1:Um, so yeah, it's, it's been interesting and I feel like we do a lot of troubleshooting here. But when something isn't working now we kind of just have those difficult conversations and like, all right, let's figure something else out, able to have those difficult conversations and just kind of figure it out and move forward, because a lot of times I hear it with a lot of moms who they don't have those conversations and then you start to hear like, oh, I'm stressed out, oh, I'm so depressed, oh, I'm so, and I'm like, honestly, I think that's a part of parenting, like a lot of it, I'm hearing the same things. That's a part of parenting, like a lot of it, I'm hearing the same things. But I feel like that's just the job in itself. So how are you guys really handling those really stressful times where it's like everybody has something to do, the schedules are crazy, the kids aren't the most um compliant, they don't really want to do it either. How do you guys tackle those situations?
Speaker 3:Um so speaking about this just made me think of something. So my girls, they used to do cheerleading as well. Okay, and with cheerleading it was. Cheerleading is like like competitive cheers, like it's an expensive thing to do and besides that there's a lot of travel involved with it. Yeah. And it kind of sometimes it would affect. You know what my son had going on here locally with his soccer and whatnot. Okay.
Speaker 3:So we ended up making a decision to stop doing cheer, because I kind of looked at cheer as is something that to me in my head it's like OK, so if you're really really good at cheerleading, what's going to happen? I mean, maybe you're going to be able to be a cheerleader for the NFL and make like, I don't know, like 50 grand a year, they say, or something like that. It's not that great of a thing. I mean. I guess it can give girls exposure or whatever, but it's not really.
Speaker 3:To me it didn't seem like a skill that could turn into like a life-changing thing, right, but piano I I like a lot for them and, um, I like singing for them. So that's what we decided was just start focusing on the piano and the singing and we let cheerleading go, because that was a little too much and it was making kind of stress that I felt wasn't really worth it and I feel like the reward if you become an amazing cheerleader isn't that great. Okay.
Speaker 3:I feel like the reward if you're an amazing singer or pianist, I mean, yeah, it could be. You could do a lot of things with that. You could be an artist or you could get involved in theater or you could be in someone else's band. There's just ways to make money and benefit off it. That I felt like that was more worth their time and our effort, so that was one thing that they kind of liked.
Speaker 3:They don't really talk much about it anymore, but they did like it when they were doing it. But I feel like it would almost make more sense for them to start taking maybe a dance class with a really good choreographer or something like that, yeah, Just so they can cause. Then I feel like if they can play piano, if they can sing and if they can dance, that matters a lot more than being a cheerleader for the Miami dolphins to me in my opinion yeah.
Speaker 3:Um so we, we kind of I look at it that situation as we kind of prioritized the activities. They liked it and I we could have afforded it and kept doing. We could have. Maybe she could have went up there, I could have took them up to a competition and then one of us went to my son's soccer game. But it just the cost mixed with the traveling and the time it was taking, cheerleading, I feel like, was the thing that we needed to let go of and we did. Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but as far as the girls with the singing and the piano and my son with the soccer, those are things that we're going to keep pushing, okay, and we don't want to stop. And obviously, hopefully, my kids don't one day say we don't want to stop and obviously, hopefully my kids don't one day say we don't want to do this anymore. Um, they they'll, they'll complain. Sometimes they won't want to go to vocal coaching. Or my son that never complains about going to soccer. I mean, sometimes if he's got the fortnight on, he'll be like, ah, I'm playing, I'm gonna win, wait. But he never says he doesn't want to go. My girls, sometimes I'll be like going to vocal coaching, I don't want to go. Or it's like piano teachers, I don't want to play. But I just tell them um, I'll just be like you have to. Okay, I'll be like while you live here and until until you turn 18, you have to, you have to do this stuff if we tell you to okay, and they and they go along with it.
Speaker 3:They don't question it okay.
Speaker 1:Well, that makes me feel good because sometimes I'm worried like, am I pushing too hard, am I pushing too much? But I think for me, I always look at how much time he spends on the video game and I'm like, even though you do a lot, you still have a lot of time like on the video game. So even when I feel like, okay, he does need a break, okay, he does need a break, like some days, I know recently, with all the schedule changes, basketball has been moved to like Fridays at six, and usually I can visibly see it on him, like by the time he gets off the bus and he walks home he looks exhausted and then it's like, oh, go change, it's time for basketball. So on those days I empathize a lot. But then I think about what the weekend is going to look like. You know we're not in the season right now, so you're going to get up. If you have to study or have to do a project or something like that, that may be one or two hours. In the day he has piano practice. That's like an hour. The rest of the Saturday he's on the game. So on those, you know, during that time I'm kind of like, all right, like you should be rejuvenated. You should have had your enough downtime to relax and you, you know now it's time to do something else. Um, so usually that kind of eases my guilt a little bit and sometimes I call it like shitty mom syndrome, because I do struggle with like am I pushing too hard? He said he doesn't want to do it. Like, should I not make him do it? But then the other side of me is like hell.
Speaker 1:I played tennis. You know, when I was younger me and my sister, we played tennis. I started at the age of four and I just told my son this past weekend I'm like me and your aunt. We played tennis six days a week. The only day off was Sundays. Usually you have tournaments and tennis is a year round sport. There is no off season, it's year round and we're in South Florida. So you know, from the age of four, every day after school we played tennis until about six o'clock. Then it was time to go home, do homework, get ready for school the next day. And on Saturdays that's when you compete and God forbid, you're winning those tournaments. You're going to be there all day because you play until you lose. That's every tournament every Saturday there's no offseason.
Speaker 1:So once I kind of explained that to him, he just kind of gave me that look like, oh my gosh, when did you get a break? We didn't, and our parents didn't give us a choice. So I kind of talked to my husband about it, like sometimes I feel like we're pushing too hard and I have a lot of guilt about it. But then I was like you know what, if my mom gave me a choice when I was younger, I probably would have been like oh, I don't want to play tennis every day either, I want to hang out with my friends. So it kind of I don't know. I feel like I struggle a lot with that and I hear a lot of moms struggling a lot with trying to strike the balance. Do you have that same experience, or is it kind of like?
Speaker 3:I think about, like when I was growing up, you know, my, my dad, tried to kind of get me into sports a little bit and going to the gym and I didn't want to do it, I was kind of just like no, and I said no a couple of times and they just kind of let it be and, um, I don't think I, you know, would have went that far in basketball or anything. But I think if I would have stuck, because that basketball is the sport I played a little bit I mean not much, I played like freshman year and like the beginning of my sophomore year, then I was done. Okay.
Speaker 3:But I think, if I would have started when I was a kid and I would have kept going, and kept going, and kept going, maybe it could have developed into something, you know, even if it was just through high school years. Um, but my parents, they didn't, they didn't force me into it, because I said no, um. So me, me and Maria, we both kind of, we kind of I I mean, I guess force is the word we kind of make them do this stuff.
Speaker 3:Um it's they don't really have a choice. Um, it's like they have to do it. It's like Alan used to play basketball and soccer but he just was noticeably better in soccer. So we kind of held off the bat, like let the basketball kind of go to the side and just kept pushing the soccer. But soccer he, he likes and he's, and he's pretty good at it. So I feel like it would be a disservice to him to not push him. And same thing with my girls like they, they, they sound good and they, they, they are good singers and they're good, you know.
Speaker 3:Kind of like with the whole theater, kind of vibe um, and I feel like, if we don't, it's like, it's like they don't even know how good they are.
Speaker 3:That's why I look at it Like, like they don't know, like someone has to see it, and be like, hey, you guys are good at this. I'm going to help you push this. I don't want you to stop, I want you to keep trying and I want you to keep developing this. So we make them do it, we make them go to go to these extracurricular activities and and um, we're going to, you know, keep making them do it and then hopefully they'll do good at the stuff and they'll learn to really love it. And I won't. We won't have to make them do it anymore. They're just going to do it all the time and because that's what they love to do, that's what I'm hoping, but they're, they're stuck until they just freak out and run away or, you know, turn 18 and move out.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, so that I like that perspective, because now I'm kind of reconsidering.
Speaker 3:It's like singing and soccer is like school, Like you have to go to school, you have to sing and you have to play soccer. It's like okay, I like that. That's kind of how we push it.
Speaker 1:I've never looked at it through that lens because I'm always like I don't know. My son is naturally he's really good with swimming, but we only do it for recreation. So with the extracurriculars, when he was younger I think it was maybe like three or four years ago he was adamant about playing basketball and I'm like you've never played basketball ever. Like where is this coming from? And he just he would not let it go. He wanted to do basketball. He wanted to do basketball. For me, football was an absolute. No, it's not even an option dangerous yeah, yeah, I wasn't so.
Speaker 1:Even with um, basketball I'm like, uh, that's still like a contact sport, but it's not football. So that was my like compromise and he really took to it. You know he does have to work hard at it. You know anything that you do, you have to work hard at it.
Speaker 1:But just hearing you saying like your son was noticeably better at soccer, I feel like our kiddo is naturally he's a great swimmer. Like we did the swim lessons. But by the time we put him in swimming lessons he had already taught himself how to swim. He was just determined to not be stuck in like the what do you call it? The kiddie pool like the? Yeah, he was just determined to learn how to swim because he wanted to go to the deep end. So we do it for recreation. Um, from time to time we'll get up at like 5 am and just go do laps at like the ymca just to start our day. But if I had it my way, I probably would have tried him out on a swim team instead of basketball. But he's been just adamant that he's more interested in basketball. So I'm like I think you will be a great swimmer if you were formally trained and he has no interest. So now I'm like maybe I need to take Alan's approach Like nope, you're doing it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, why not? Right, be like, look you just. You just have to do a swimming lesson once or twice a week and just see how it goes. If you see that he's noticeably doing well at it, it's like you might just have to make him do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then I kind of worry about the age too, because I feel like sport, everything right now, academics and sports everything is way more competitive than what it was when we were in school.
Speaker 1:Everything is way more competitive than what it was when we were in school, right? So even with basketball, by the time he started I felt like we were really late and he's probably been been playing for about three years. So he probably started around eight or nine and I just felt like we were so far behind the curve. And now with swimming, I'm like, oh boy, we're really behind the curve. And now with swimming, I'm like, oh boy, we're really behind the curve with the swimming. If we were to start something new. So I've been trying to give him the nudge.
Speaker 1:Now that he's in middle school, Sports are a little more in the forefront and they have different sports available to the kids through school. So I've been trying to explain to him like how it works, the tryouts, the intramurals, like if you want to try a new sport, this is the time to do it, because every couple of weeks there's like a new season starting, so, and then in PE they're doing like the team sports too. So he gets a chance to like, try lacrosse, try volleyball, just trying different things that normally he probably wouldn't even have an interest in. But now he has to do it for a grade. So it's kind of interesting just watching him get exposed to the things that we already know about and just seeing, like, where his interest takes him. Because, as much as he does not like practicing piano, this year, by the time, by the end of the school year, he's been like, hey, I think I want to do band and I'm like we have to threaten you to practice piano, but you want to join band, like okay, fine, whatever piano.
Speaker 3:The piano practice will definitely have helped if he gets in the band yeah, definitely so.
Speaker 1:It's just, I don't know, trying to balance, like following his lead and his interest, versus knowing when to like put that foot down and say, okay, you're, you're gonna do it, and then not feeling guilty about it after so it sounds like I need to take your approach, because I don't hear any like guilt. It's just hey, this is what it is, this is the way it is, and if you don't like it, wait till you're 18. I like that. So then that answers my next question um, how do you overcome your guilt?
Speaker 1:or by pushing them yeah, it doesn't sound like you have any.
Speaker 3:No, I kind of don't, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3:I don't okay yeah, I, I just look at it that that flip way, because even sometimes my mom and dad, they'd say to me they'd be be like oh, let your kids be kids. You push, you push them too hard to do this and that and that other. I'm like what? And sometimes that makes me think that they're saying that because they think to themselves maybe, like that they didn't push me into different things the same way I push my kids. So I, I don't know, I'm one of those type of people that even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
Speaker 3:Sometimes it's hard to commit to the other flies. When I kind of think something, and that's how I'm seeing it, it's kind of like that's it, that's it pretty much. Yeah, sometimes that's not always the right thing, I can admit that, but that's just, and you, you know, my mom said that to me and so is Maria, like you know, I like in my brain, like how it works, sometimes with different, different things, but I don't know it's uh well, it makes sense from the perspective of looking at the bigger picture, right?
Speaker 1:Because as you're talking, I told you I was taking notes. One thing I wrote down is like one of your strategies that you're using. Basically, it sounds like you're looking at your return on investment, right? So even if your kids, let's say your daughters, don't become singers, well, now they've acquired all of these skills, they still may end up doing something and having a career in theater, right, or in the arts. And when you look at the bigger picture, you know you're giving them an opportunity that they really wouldn't get.
Speaker 1:In a school setting, like school chorus, choir and things like that, it can give them an opportunity. But it sounds like between like the vocal coaching and all of the things that you're doing on your own, they're getting a whole nother level of exposure that most kids their age wouldn't get right. Or if you get it, you probably won't get that exposure until you're in college and they already have it. So when you look at it that way, it makes sense. I can remember playing tennis as long as I have, and by the time I was 14, I was a junior tennis coach and at that yeah, at that time, like they start, we started up a little program.
Speaker 1:Initially we were paying kids who showed like some promise if they had some skill sets that we wanted to work on with them as junior coaches. We would kind of pay the kids to come take tennis lessons for the summer. They were getting paid like $6 an hour, but you know that was years ago and just imagine you're getting paid to go to summer camp. Most kids were not doing that so if they put in a couple of hours they would get, you know, six bucks an hour and me as the junior coach I was making 40 bucks an hour at 14.
Speaker 3:That's, that's great.
Speaker 1:Right, that was a great opportunity that came from just me playing tennis and being in the community. As long as I was, I learned how to put together grassroots programs and work with nonprofits and start partnerships, and that was not on my mind at 14. It was like, oh, you're going to give me 40 bucks an hour to do something that my parents made me do for free. Yeah, six days a week, like, and I just got to show up and do what I already know how to do. Cool, so yeah. So I just think about that. Like I have these skills. No one can take those skills away. It's second nature and that was not my focus. And I do remember going through like I had.
Speaker 1:All of my friends were either cheerleaders or dancers, and both my parents were absolutely against that. So me being a cheerleader, me doing dance that's not an option. You're going to learn a sport, you're going to learn a skill, and it was not up for debate. So everybody else got to hang out and party. And where was I six days a week? On the tennis court. So I guess that's where I kind of come into play, like, oh, I feel like I missed out. But now I'm like, did I?
Speaker 3:No, it probably contributed to you being more responsible of a person.
Speaker 1:Yep, it did, definitely. So, looking at it that way, I think that's a great strategy, because I'm always trying to highlight things that are working. We, I feel like as parents, we have a lot of opportunities to like, oh, that didn't work out so well. But when I hear certain things and certain strategies that parents are using that sound like they're working, I like to highlight that to give other parents an opportunity to try that out. So that's one of the things that I wrote down, like return on investment with extracurricular activities.
Speaker 1:If you look at it from an investment standpoint, what's going to be the most beneficial? And the same thing with your son. He may not become a professional soccer player, but what if that leads him going into sports management? What if that leads him into a career of physical therapy or professional coaching? Opportunity to explore those options when they're a little older, a little more mature to make those decisions for themselves. So that's pretty great that you're doing it right now with them being so young. So, with that being said, are there any things, habits, parenting strategies that you've used in the past or that you're using right now that you've been considering like making a change with?
Speaker 3:um, as far as like my habits or like their habits, um your parenting habits.
Speaker 3:Let's say that um, something I lately I've I lost some weight. I was kind of looking a little sloppy, I gained weight, my stomach was looking big, and then I'm wanting my kids to, you know, be in shape and I don't want them looking at me like I'm, like a lazy dad, you know. So that's something I started working on and I've changed my diet lately and I've been going to the gym a lot more, just because I don't only want to sit here and be the kind of dad that says it and verbally says that. I want to try my best to kind of show it as well. Ok.
Speaker 3:And I used to. I used to smoke cigarettes years ago when my kids were small, ok, and I quit that really because of them. So that was something I changed a while ago. But they were like really the motivation to quit because my girl kind of used them to force me to quit. It was weird, like I tried to quit at one point or I did quit and then she would be like Daddy's gone two weeks without smoking, guys, or daddy's gone this long without smoking, and it would kind of make me mad because I kind of wanted to smoke. But I was like now if I smoke, my kids are going to think I'm a failure.
Speaker 1:Okay, no pressure.
Speaker 3:So it was like so I quit, I stopped. It's been like years since I've smoked a cigarette. Oh, that's awesome. Um and um. Then it was so that that was one thing like you tell them not to smoke, and like I didn't want to have that. Like like that. What do they say? That do as I say, that, not as I do, or whatever. Yeah, um, I didn't. I wanted it to be like do as I say and do as I do okay I don't smoke, I'm getting healthy.
Speaker 3:I don't want you guys to smoke Like I don't. Before I was like the dad. That was like smoking a cigarette and being like don't smoke, don't be bad, like dad. But so just stuff like that. Like because I'm looking at it like I want to be a better role model for them, okay, personally, and not just say it, I want to show it too. Okay, I like that Something I've kind of been just working on. It's just, you know, being in shape and not doing the wrong thing and in front of my kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can definitely relate. I think one thing that I've been doing that with, now that you say it, I'm like, oh yeah, um, with reading, my, when I was my son's age, I'm like I used to love reading and with him it's like kryptonite. You kind of tell him to read and it's like why would I do that? Like I don't want to do that and I'm like you know what? When is the last time I picked up a physical book and I sat down and read? Like I can't tell him to do it and I'm not modeling the same behavior, like maybe he would be more open to trying it out and doing it if he saw me doing it. So that was just something this weekend. I'm like, ok, I got it. Like I'll do the audio books, but just this weekend.
Speaker 1:I'm like, all right, I got to get a physical book and just find some time to sit down and read, to lead by example, Because I cannot tell him like you need to get off the game and you need to read a book. And it's like you don't read a book, like why would I read a book you never read? When is the last time you read a physical book? And I'm like, yeah, let me start with myself first, and then I can kind of revisit and go back to like all right, I'm reading, I'm going to the bookstore to get a book. Like you need to come with me, pick out your own book and for the next hour we're just going to sit, no phones, we're just going to read. Um, but it is hard to like tell your kid what they need to do, and you don't even do it yourself.
Speaker 1:So kudos to you for like recognizing it, because it is hard, um, but they are watching, so and they are, yeah, they're, and they're getting closer to that age like, oh, you don't do it, or when is the last time you did it?
Speaker 3:yeah, they would do stuff to me. They'd call, call me out of my thing. Now, if they see me eat bad, they'll be like why are you eating that? You're supposed to be on a diet. So it's like. It's kind of good though, because I got all these little people trying to hold me accountable and they're like little people I want to impress and I want them to look up to me, yeah, so it's like okay, I guess I I can't eat these potato chips, but I don't want to eat them anyway, because I'm trying to lean up and get the chips off.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it helps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And I know I think for me the same thing trying to improve my diet, because I don't like my son's diet. He's pretty picky with the eating. So that has been my strategy as well Not just talking about it, but just having the food, healthier foods around the house and not always trying to force him to try something new. So now I'll have like different things that I want him to try, but I won't even offer. And it's almost like if I don't offer, now he's curious, like why didn't you offer me any? Can I have some? Is it really that good?
Speaker 1:You're trying to have it and it'll be like, uh, like a new fruit. Um, I think we just tried recently like the pink pineapples and that kind of piqued his interest. Or like the yellow watermelon, that kind of piqued his interest, but for me I watermelon. That kind of piqued his interest, but for me I've been looking at it like I don't wanna be older and sickly. I kinda wanna be here for him as long as possible. So now that I'm getting older I'm like all right, you don't want health problems to start early. So you need to kind of change these habits now, while you still can, and you don't want to have to change a habit, because now you have some kind of medical condition and now you have to change it because now is causing you health issues.
Speaker 3:I actually that was another factor too. I went to the doctor and I had like really high triglycerides, high blood pressure, so it was like I had to kind doctor and I had like really high triglycerides, high blood pressure, so it was like I had to kind of get in better shape yeah you know, getting to that age now where it's like you know, if you're eating bad and drinking alcohol all the time, it affects us yeah, yep, yeah, that's like the same conversation me and my.
Speaker 1:I just text my best friend you know the saying like oh, like, oh, auntie, like that's the new thing now. And I text my best friend like oh my gosh, we're the aunties. And she's like, yeah, that's us, we're here?
Speaker 3:Yeah, we don't want to. You know it's weird, like people you know have health issues. People, I think the older we get, now we're going to hear about more and more people we know that are passing away and things like that. So yeah you know, we got to just do the best we can to you know, be around for a while.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so. With that being said, I want to know what if you had a, a parenting philosophy? What would it be?
Speaker 3:hmm, that's a tough one, kind of um, I think you have to kind of go with your go, just go with, go with your gut. Okay, go with your gut when it comes to parenting, like I, just what I, what I think I, what I want to see them doing, and what I, what I feel is the right thing, is, I just try to push it and and I don't really care what, how they feel about it. I mean, I guess I'm going back to that, you know, and not in like a mean way, like it's kind of like.
Speaker 3:It'll be like in a funny way, like they'll be like oh, I don't want to do it, dad, I'll be like well, sorry, you have to. I'll just be like that and I'll be like oh, you know what? I don't want to do? This, I don't want to do that well, well, sorry, you live here in this house and, until you're 18, everything I tell you to do, you just got to do it. Okay, and I mean coming from me, it's like I only want what's best for them right so.
Speaker 3:I feel like there's nothing wrong with saying that, because I'm always looking out, but I just feel like you gotta gotta. Just I just go with my gut and my gut I'm like they, they need to focus on this and that, and it's gonna get them somewhere right if they do and I and I believe in it good and I'm I'm sure it'll.
Speaker 1:When they're older, it'll be one of those things like well, my dad, well my dad, well my dad. And it's like, oh my gosh, your dad, we know. And usually I feel like that's when you start to see it, not now, but later on they.
Speaker 3:They think they'll just tell me thank you, like, oh, that's awesome, and they're like little to be as young as they are. I mean that well, they're getting older now. I mean they'll be 10 next month. But okay you know they'll. They'll uh from time to time when I push them to do different things that they've been nervous about or whatever, and then she'll come in the room and say thanks, thanks, dad, I appreciate it. This dog is acting crazy, can you hear? Him. That's okay. That's okay.
Speaker 3:Um, you must've heard something or somebody. Um, yeah, we have our other dog da vinci. He unfortunately passed away about a week and a half ago. So that was my kids first real uh time, kind of like really seeing death uh-huh and um. I was pretty sad he's he was. He was almost 17 years old. He's our pomeranian okay and we all went um.
Speaker 3:We knew he was kind of on his way out and we went one morning and he could barely move and we ended up taking him to the vet and we were all there together, our whole family, and we kind of held them and they, they euthanized him.
Speaker 1:Oh man.
Speaker 3:He couldn't move Like we had to like we thought he was dead, Like he looked dead, like he couldn't turn his head. His heart was still beating, but he was on his way out. So we took him and they euthanized him. That was their first time seeing that and dealing with death.
Speaker 1:How did you guys, Did you explain to them? Or was it just something they saw and you really didn't have to explain?
Speaker 3:Especially their mom too. We were preparing them for it. Like Da Vinci's going to be going soon guys, okay, we did. We tried to prepare them for it, and my daughters were really close to him, um, so they took it pretty hard, my son, uh, my son, my son cried a little bit too, but he, he took, it, took it a little bit better okay, see our, we have cupcake and she's like, what?
Speaker 1:is she 15? So, uh, recently she was having some stomach issues and I'm like, oh my gosh, is this like, is it happening now? But luckily we ended up changing her food. But at one point it was like months and months of just her not keeping food down and vomiting, like you name it. It was happening and I'm like, do I? You know, I always grew up with pets and we just let them go naturally. But you start to wonder, like, am I making her suffer? Is this the sign that we need to, like, put her down? Do I talk to AJ about it? Like what, what do I do? And luckily we ended up just changing her food and now she's okay.
Speaker 1:But you know, she, I had her when I was in college, um, in undergrad. So I'm like we're getting closer and closer and just trying to figure out, like, how to prepare him for it, because, yeah, she's getting up there. So I don't know it's, I don't know one thing after the other and just trying to figure out what's best. And usually I just tell parents as long as you're in that mind frame of trying to do what's best, you, you know it's kind of hard to get it wrong right. So we can talk about parenting strategies. But if it's coming from a place of love, if it's coming from a place of you're just trying to do what's best for your kids and for your family, then it's hard to get it wrong. But do you have any advice that you wish you would have been given sooner as a parent?
Speaker 3:Get a Costco card.
Speaker 1:Okay, why do you say that? Give us the story.
Speaker 3:It was funny I always heard different things, like people say Costco here and there and I just never went and looked into it. And then when we finally went and signed up it was just like man, we love this place Because we just recently did it. We've had it now for about a year. We've had a Costco card and you could just buy so much cool stuff in bulk and save money. And when we go we get the dollar 50, hot dog and stuff and it was like I should have been going there like for like the past, like eight years yeah so that's uh kind of what I wish.
Speaker 3:someone would have really told me like hey, man, you got to go over there costco or bjs or I guess anywhere like that. We were like buying most of our stuff at either Publix or Walmart forever, and Costco definitely that place comes in handy.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, oh yeah, Most definitely.
Speaker 3:And we make a day out of it. You know, we go there, we shop, they get sample, they run around and get free samples and a dollar 50 hot dog. It's like they're good. So yeah, I wish I would have been a little smarter, just having all three of them around and with with our shopping at the beginning.
Speaker 1:So gotcha. Well, now you know, now I know, okay, okay, and what? Um okay.
Speaker 3:So that's the advice that you wish you have had, um anything else you feel like you wish you would have known sooner as a parent um not really anything that I wish I would have known sooner, but advice I could maybe give would be like I knew that Maria would make a really good mom. Okay. Before we had kids and like I knew that, I even knew in my head I was like, even if me and her don't stay together, she'll be a really good mom, like I could just feel that.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I think you, you know as being a guy I, I'm a guy, that uh you know works all the time and and um, you know my full-time thing is has always been like work and to try to take care of everything. She's been like a real good person to have you know, to be partnered up with on this journey of parenthood. Because you know, where I may lack different things, she makes up for it. Okay, good.
Speaker 3:And you know she, since they were babies, she's just really been on it and I've been able to yeah, I've provided everything along the way financially and but she's really like the backbone of of of what we got going on.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's awesome.
Speaker 3:So, finding the right partner, finding the right when you go to settle with her, or not even, I think, when you, when you decide I want a kid, if you're with a girl and you I mean and I'm sure guys can you know, as guys we know that we can feel these things If you're with a girl and you I mean and I'm sure guys can you know, as guys we know that we can feel these things if you're with a woman and you're like I don't think she'll make a good mom, then don't do it because you're probably right, she probably won't, then you're gonna be in a lot of problems, right, you know. But but with her I could just, you know, I, I knew I that was one thing I I knew about her like I could just feel that she, she'll be a really good mom to the kids. So she's the girl that I have a kid with. Let's do it because you know we've been together 17 years.
Speaker 3:Back then I mean I didn't know, I wasn't sure, like, how long we'd be together, anything, whatever was going on, but I was like you know, let's have, let's have some kids, okay, you know, like whatever, whatever something goes, goes wrong between us. I know that she's gonna be a great mom and I was. I was right, so I made a good call there yeah, and that's that's really important.
Speaker 1:I feel like you, you don't know a person. Even if you were together for 20 years, neither one of you really knew ahead of time what kind of parent you would be, and then you don't know what kind of parent you would be together. So if you identify those qualities, like ahead of time, like okay, I like this, these are good qualities. Yeah, that is important because parenting relationships in general bring on a whole nother level of stress and consideration for another, another person that you probably didn't have to consider before. Right, and then add kids to that, you know, if you have a different background, if you have different parenting styles, if you have different belief systems, all of those things can put additional stress onto a situation that's already stressful.
Speaker 1:So if you were able like I agree 100% if you are able to identify those characteristics, that would make a great parent. You know you probably want to go with your instincts on that. And the same thing, if you start to see some red flags, like oh, that those aren't signs of like a good parent, you know, then you do probably want to listen to that ahead of time, because once you have kids in the picture, you know you can't really turn that around and you don't want. Nobody wants their kid to suffer, you know. So that is important, that's true. So that brings us to the end of our episode, and I just want to know, if our listeners want to get in contact with you, how can they do that?
Speaker 3:I'm all over the Internet. If you Google my name, you'll see a bunch of reviews Alan, monica but my phone number is 561-860-5778. And my Instagram is soldbyalan and it's spelled S-O B U Y A L A N sold by Alan. So either the Instagram or the phone number works for me, guys.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I'll make sure I add that to the show notes as well. And that brings us to the end of the show. Thank you so much for your time and your input.
Speaker 3:This was fun. Yeah, I think we had a great conversation and I appreciate you bringing me on the show.
Speaker 1:Thank you. I appreciate you joining us. Hey everyone, it's your favorite BCBAD here, dr DeLoren, and I'm here to ask you to help us continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting wwwforshittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at Foreshitty Moms and that's shitty. With an X, not an I.